as usual the EPers have come through .you guys make me proud every now and then we do the right thing
let me help you out with this one...15 year old boys are only interested in 4 things......#4friends...#3video games...#2 girls......and #1 touching themselves<br />
hope I helped.
I have a 12 year old so I will try to answer this question.<br />
The boy has been coddled. That happens when people are afraid to make mistakes. They hold on too close and too long. It is very reasonable to expect that he does chores. He will be able to drive soon - think about that. How can a young man expect to DRIVE and not have any kind of responsibilites or know how to choose his own shampoo and soap.<br />
Your husband needs to have a frank discussion with himself. Then he needs to sit down with both his son and you at the same time and discuss what IS expected.<br />
Its OK to take away his privleges.<br />
But you know what - <br />
He might fight you at first<br />
But he knows he can do so much more than he does and I will just bet that he is begging for an opportunity to show that he can be a man. His self esteem will depend on his ability to care for himself in the very near future. You can really make a difference by showing him that not only is he capable - but that you appreciate what he does and support him in his efforts.<br />
Start asking his opinion, drawing him into the conversation. Tell him he has to help you cook dinner and then praise him the whole way. <br />
This kid isnt a bad kid, he is over pampered to the point of neglect.
I'm biased on this, cuz I reflect on myself from 15yrs or so ago, and what I see in the world of my in-laws and co-workers.<br />
At 15, he should be *able* to pass his school classes. If he fails because "he doesn't care", that's on him (that was almost me). If he fails because he needs help and no one has tried to help, that's on the parents.<br />
He should be able to lock himself in his room and play video games. <br />
He should also be able to work a part time job, pay his own phone bill, internet, CD's, (non-necessities) etc; and cook his own meals as needed, and have something saved on his own, as well as how to balance a check book. When *HE BUYS* a car, he should be able to pay his own insurance too.<br />
Basically, in short, I think by the time a kid is about 16, they should be at least 80% capable of functioning on their own.<br />
The parent(s) should make sure they don't get in too over their head, and correct them as needed, but if they can't survive partially supervised at 15-16, how the hell will they live on their own at 17-20.
Maby he should get some conseling,or more friends cause<br />
a teen that age should be enjoying himself<br />
at the park or mall,maby some other friends house.<br />
I'm sorry but that's pretty depressing,is he a shy kid?
a 15 year ol should b able to live his life on his own (cook, clean, wash, chores etc) the only difference is he gets to do this at home so that if he dont get somethin he has u 2 help him out.once he gets out in the world its gonna be so differnet. i think they call it a safety net when u still live with parents but are almost grown
Being pampered and lacking responsibility can encourage a sense of helplessness, feeling of incompetence, and lack of self worth. <br />
I'll admit I've pampered my son and let him play video games all day long. I used to feel sorry for him because he had very few friends and wasn't into sports or lessons or anything. I just wanted him to be happy. He was putting his clothes in the washer one day and I complimented him and told him how much I appreciated him doing that. I know he feels good when he's doing something responsible, even when he tells me otherwise. <br />
I'm seeing that the more I encourage and praise him for what he does, no matter how small, it's helping his self esteem and feeling of confidence. <br />
When they realize they are capable and complimented for what they do, they feel more willing to take on more and more responsibilities and feel good about them in the future.
The problem with expectations is that they are controlling. A new stepmother will have problems with this. I suggest reading the book Real Love by Dr. Greg Baer and, instead, have a talk with your stepson about the fact that you love him and are responsible now for his wellbeing. The number one responsibility of a parent is to love their child and teach them how to be responsible and loving. Why? Because this is the only way they can be truly happy. Start slow and allow him to pick his "chore(s)" and have him be specific as to when, show him how and teach him slowly how to be a team pla<x>yer SLOWLY. Don't criticize him. And, if he does an outstanding job ask him how he feels about the job he did! Discuss beforehand what will be the consequences if he doesn't do the chore (maybe even let him pick the consequence.) And, follow thru with the consequence. Be sure to realize when homework or being late to school (bad planning on his part) got in the way. Teens have enough stress today... the point is that they know that they are needed and loved.
I have to agree, I'd be happy as long as he wasn't on the street at 2 am , lying, using drugs... It sure isn't like when We grew up.... You could get bricked in the head/ stabbed just for walking the streets now..<br />
I think reasonable expectations are that both his parents realize he's not living up too what you asperate for, a nice social outgoing personallity and assist him to become aware and not allow him to continue this pattern of isolation...I sense you have hidden issues reguarding his behavior and need to work with him not. slam him behind this close door you signed on for the ride now strap in a get to work and lead by example..
I'm 15. I spend most of my time helping out around the house, studying and working out. Most teens these days go out to party (If they have a big social life). Teens around my age want to make our own decision and find out who we really are.
Be a part of his video games. Enjoy playing games with him. He would love to spend some time with you too.
We are also a blended family situation with a 15 year old boy in the house. He doesnt do household chores and simple tasks that are "expected" of him by myself,. the stepmom, are never done unless he is "reminded" or told to do them. For example, getting out of bed and dressed, teeth brushed, pill taken, etc.... for school, doesnt get accomplished without direction. He also pees on the floor still.... really, at 15?<br />
After many counselling sessions and a near seperation over this, I have discovered that his lack of skill set is due to the lack of expectations and consequences administered by his parents. In three years I have lived with him and MADE his father implement rules and consequences, some of these things have changed, but because he is only at our home every second week it is very difficult to keep him on track.... it comes down to the fact that his parents did not teach and enforce these skills. <br />
As for the sitting on video games, our kid also wants to sit on video games 24/7 and this seems to be a problem of the age of technology. However, again, this is upto the parents to set limitations with these sort of things and to ensure that other responsibilites are being met before their time is taken up by gaming. Further, gaming is a socially isolating activity, so for a kid with little to no friends, this activity allows them to sit idle and underdeveloped in terms of social skills. At 15 its very difficult to say get out there and join a team or activity when they have not beem involoved in anything.... this is my problem. I would like my stepson to join a sport or activity to get out and be around other, hopefully successful 15 year old boys and take a interest in things other then staring at a screen. It is good personal development and networking that will set them in the right direction as they enter the college, university or work force. But I have the same question....how do u force these things u know are in their best benefit upon them if they dont want to do it?<br />
It all goes back to how they were raised. And remember when quick to point the finger at the moms house and no expectations, that your partner is also responsible for allowing him to sit on the games and n ot participate in the household as well. I was quick to point the finger, adn still place blame there casue its deserved, but the fathers are also responsible for the role they play in discipline, and expectations.
My son went through a 'gaming' period, but he still had friends to hang with. I think kids are spending too much time online, and a loner can isolate himself even further by staying in his room all the time and playing games or whatever. He may grow out of this phase, but he definitely needs to have some responsibilities. You should talk to your boyfriend, and see what he thinks, tell him you think the boy needs to be more involved.
I think what you have to ask yourself, "What is reasonable to ask from this l5 year old boy"?<br />
He seems as if he's more reserved or a "loner" as your boyfriend says, and those children have a very difficult time finding themselves. You could say he's been spoiled but maybe he has some issues going on like mild OCD.<br />
It's going to take an "ocean of understanding and patience" to not judge him and help him through these next very difficult years.