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We would lose the home weve both put 20 years into, and our kids ( teenagers) have fallen in love with ( they have many friends here too)....and, because of finances, they would probably lose the opportunities they have now....like dance, and football, etc. We would go broke.I have decided to stay, temporarily , for this reason. I would feel selfish yanking everything away from my kids, because I dont want them to suffer because of our problems. I am earning my degree so i can eventually afford to support myself.We dont fight......so the kids don't see that. And we have actually remained friends for the most part....so we're dignified. but I dont see our relationship having a future at all. We are going in two different directions....and we have grown into two different people. Has anyone else been here? I have chosen to stay until the kids leave the home. Has anyone been through this, and what do you think? Please, no smart *** answers. ;)
sheerbliss sheerbliss 36-40, F 10 Answers Jun 27, 2010

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i have stayed in a marriage that went bad many years ago. my son is grown now and we really don't have much to ...divide. stuff don't matter anymore to me. but you have kids, a different story than mine. my husband and i broke up, the end, no more.... he is ill-tempered and very mean.... i fought back friday and almost did some real harm. i am filing for a divorce monday at the court house, it's that simple for me. ....anyway... this is about you! kids adjust and grow up and lead their own lives. don't grow old like me and wake up and the best years of your life is gone! maybe you can fill your void in life with some kind of activity. i wish you all the luck and happiness you can have in life! take care!!

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Thank you. I guess is my kids were younger, Id consider leaving now and starting again....but since they are teens, I guess I figure i can hang in here for another few years. but it wont be easy. ;)<br /><br />
Best of luck with your future.

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Pls dont lie to your kids.and pls dont pretend. It is unpleasant going home to an unhappy home-even if no one is fighting.I am a kid from a home like that. I wished my parent separated.At least if you separate ,the kids can see you both happy in different homes. I feel that if you sell your house there is some money to split. If you hang in there , who are you pleasing? 1)your kids dont appreciate it 2)you will suffer...<br />
Pls make a firm decision and do something right.<br />
My sister went through this before and I told her theres no way she can live like that. Soon after, there was a big row and he left the family home. he sees his daughter almost daily and has her on alternate weekends. They are still not divorced. But she is so happy.and is still very kind to her ex, she sends food over etc.<br />
My point is : 1)do what's right for the mind.2)Find that peace. 3)Make drastic changes. 4)Dont put your kids in a miserable home because of them -this will affect their decision making in the future.they will think that it is alright to be unhappy and miserable 5)Be strong

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I would in this case have kind of a roommate status, but don't lie to your kids about it. They probably already know. Don't pretend for their sake that you're still in love when you're not. Tell them how things really are, but that you don't fight, are still friends of sorts, and still generally get along with each other, and that you're still a family. I would see if your husband would be willing to open the relationship to dating others, just so you two can have a chance for love. Polyamory is a beautiful thing, but I'm biased towards it. :) As far as after the kids are grown, then maybe you can think about separating/divorcing. I actually know some parents who did this and their kids have adjusted to it just fine. They did the right thing by preparing their kids for it by being honest about what was really going on.

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an then there's that naggin lil question ... can you afford NOT to?<br />
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Really sb ... you truly seem to have a good grasp on it all. Joyfully missin from your explanation is biiterness an disrespect. We DO need to think bout the others involved ... we jus DO. An if you can keep it pleasant for all involved - all the better.<br />
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Been there? Gawwwd - there's least a couple thousand of us here livin it.<br />
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Peace an strength.

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Thank you for your advice and support.

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don't let your marriage die. marriage is a divine covenant between you and your husband. there is supposed to be only an entrance to marriage and no exit. work things out with your husband. talk about what made your bond weak. find out the reason why the intense fiery feelings you had when you got married turned into a flimsy candle-light. re-ignite your passion towards each other by doing simple but sweet stuff to each other like complimenting each other everyday and showing small but sweet actions towards each other. this will be a good start for the recovery of your relationship. i recommend you and your husband watch the movie "Fireproof." It's a story of how a husband saved his marriage from the brink of divorce. By working things out with your husband, it will be a win-win deal for you. You'll once again be a happy couple and you won't have to worry about financial matters and the welfare of your children. Trust me on this. this is the best thing you can have as a solution.

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Im sorry...i appreciate your concern and your beliefs. I really do. However, we are far past counseling. This has been going on for years. I have seen the movie fireproof, and it did nothing for me. My husband has made mistakes, such as the mistakes in that movie.......things get better for a very short time, and then they go right back to normal. we have reached a stage where love notes seem fake and rehearsed. We have tried. Im tired of being unhappy. You can only try so long before your energy dies out and nothing seems genuine anymore.

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Dear Sheerbliss -- Congratulations on taking a mature, reasoned, and reasonable approach to a very difficult problem. You are thinking about your children first, which is exactly what you should but too few people do. You should be very proud of yourself for doing the right thing. A good friend of mine, a guy, in almost exactly the same situation, has been faced with a wife who decided "she had missed out of all the fun in life" and has essentially decided to abandon the house, the kids and the husband of many years to "experience the world" and "Have fun."<br />
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I will not even try to offer you advice on your marriage because what you have described as your actions are so good, you have obviously already considered all the options and are making wise choices. The fact that you are getting your degree is fantastic.<br />
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My wife and I had a very rough marriage for the first ten or fifteen years. We thought we were "In Love," married too quickly, had children too soon, and really did not communicate with each other well at all. She decided to end the marriage against my wishes. I chose to take the high road in all things. I figured if I was given no choice to stay in the marriage, I would do everything in my ability to minimize the impact on the kids. I spoke only well of my wife, did everything I could to help accommodate her and her needs, and let her know subtly without harping that I was there and Would do anything (reasonable) to avoid divorce.<br />
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After a full year of separation, she called me and told me that she had thought a lot about our marriage and family and wanted to try to work it out, to which I immediately agreed. We pulled it out of the fire and have now been married for 37 years. It was not always fun or easy. There were times when I was ready to give up and walk out the door, and probably times she felt the same<br />
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If you the two of you are going to live together for the sake of the kids, consider whether there is anything you might be able to do and want to do to save the marriage. If not, then consider getting some individual counseling so you understand what happened this time and how to avoid it the next time. Our culture and our society has made it very easy to divorce -- too easy in my opinion. Additionally, people who have been previously married and divorced are far more likely to end in divorce again in subsequent relationships. You need to understand that as blameless of filled with blame you may be this time, you certainly contributed in some way to the failure of this marriage. Your choice of spouse may have been flawed, or like my wife and I, you may have jumped too quickly to marry someone you really did not know. <br />
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Commit yourself to doing the hard work now that will result in a good and lasting relationship and possibly marriage the next time around.<br />
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Congratulations again on doing the right thing.

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Thank you for sharing your story. We did marry too early. ;)<br /><br />
I appreicate you taking the time to express your feelings. <br /><br />
I have thought about trying to maintain the relationship....I have gone back and forth. We have even had counseling. But we end up exactly where we were to begin with......unhappy, and for me, very much unfullfilled.<br /><br />
Thanks again.

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