What do you do when the person who hurt you the most, needs you the most?
We met online, through a gay dating app called "Jackd" a few weeks after I moved to California. I had no intention of being in a relationship with him, being new to the area, I honestly just wanted to explore this new fast-paced life I have come to know. He was persistent in meeting me and when I finally caved, it was something over a different kind. We smoked the first night and ended up sleeping together. I've never been so sexually connected to someone in my life. See, that night turned into every weekend and every weekend turned into every evening. I started to become more immersed in his life that he became literally the center of my life. It was work, him, school, him, him, work, school, him. I didn't care to make friends (still haven't made any), I didn't care to go out and explore California, I just wanted to be with him and only him every second of every day wrapped in his blankets, wrapped in the warmth of our own private world. I conventionally moved in with him- you know, the entire toothbrush in the bathroom, clothes in the closet type thing. We spent every second together and we were only apart when we were both at school, when he would hang out with his friends/hoes or when I was at work. At one point, he confessed that he was HIV+ and I was angered but it didn't move me. I simply went to get tested, my results came back as negative and we simply stopped having sex/kissing regularly. As days turned into months, things just became a constant war. I was battling insecurity with all of his infidelity and resentment from all the times I kept my mouth shut. I became depressed to the point where I became to hate him and I could no longer stand to be around. I mean, literally, every breath he had taken were like nails on a chalkboard. We grew apart. Although we remained together sexually, we were seeing different people. And when the sex stopped, so did my emotions. I became cold and distant, he became more pushy and agitated and eventually, he stated a grim reality of him never really feeling sexually comfortable with me because I wasn't masculine enough for him. I left without a word and we didn't speak until the following month. Our encounter was casual, we didn't speak much (well, I was the silent one). We smoked, watched television. Eventually, I started to warm up enough to respond to his statements (you know when people just talk without really a purpose) and he became more comfortable. As we continued to try and form a friendship, he started calling me "babe" and trying to get me involved back in his life by offering to run our errands together and spend time with him and his son. I haven't seen him since Sunday (Oct 6th 2013) or spoken to him and I received an email this morning from him which was simple and straight to the point: "I love you. I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I've never needed anyone so bad in my life, I just didn't know how to act. I miss you so much". I didn't respond because I don't know how. He's currently suffering from typhoid fever and I'm the only he has ever been romantically involved with that actually has loved him unconditionally and I can honestly say that I love him but I haven't dealt or had closure from all the previous break-ups and violent fights. I still think of things that he's done/said to me and my heart weighs heavy with hate and sadness. I love him but I'm scared to do anything about it. And it's sad because we'll be 7months in November and I still get butterflies when I see him and I still get nervous waiting for his texts or when I call him.