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I hate myself, but my biggest fear in life is death. I cut myself multiple times a day. I bleed into a clear bottle. When i feel sad I swish the blood around and stare at it. I have scars on my arm and legs and ribs. I feel depressed when i see my cuts close and the scars make me sad that their fading. My mom is dieing My fathers side of the family hates me I peirced my ears 9 different times because I was thinking about death I was raped twice by the same man and now I feel as if I'm in love with him and it makes me sad that I haven't seen him in 2 years. It is getting so hard to wait to cut myself until I'm alone in my room or my bathroom or outside it is getting so hard. What's wrong with me and I'm not telling anyone or going to seek help I want to know how to help myself. No family or friends or other people I know can get involved.
whatsthefreakinpoint whatsthefreakinpoint 16-17, F 10 Answers Apr 7, 2012

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Honey, get some help. There are anonymous hotlines for so many different types of problems. Denying yourself free resources that are at your fingertips is another form of self-punishment. It's like starving yourself in front of a full plate.<br />
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Maybe you think you have to do it alone because it is difficult to trust. That is understandable, of course, but the ob<x>jectivity and perspective that someone trained to help you can offer can be extremely valuable.<br />
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If you're absolutely determined to do it alone, then don't loop around alone in your head, circling around the same old thought. Go to the library and get an armload of books on cutting, rape, abuse - find the vocabulary to straighten out your experiences and put them in perspective. Educate yourself about what happened to you.so you can stop reacting to it and start dealing with it. Also pick up a book guaranteed to make you laugh, and a book on something that has always interested you - music, art, dance, gerbils - whatever.<br />
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If the books don't help, go get another armload. There is help on the phone, on websites, at the library.<br />
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Educating yourself about your experiences will help you to think about them in a different way. Sitting around and waiting to feel better without referencing any new information won't bring about many results.<br />
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I also advocate interviewing yourself. Whenever you feel like it, ask yourself a question, as though you were on an intense TV interview show. Ask the same questions often. I think you will hear your answers change from day to day, as you skim off the anger, and get down to the deeper levels.<br />
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It's a safe way to hear your own thoughts. And as an exercise, you might, every once in a while, answer as though you were an actress: Answer the same question acting mad as hell, and then answer it giving everyone involved a ridiculous, undeserved break: "Oh, so-and-so was only human..."<br />
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Expressing both ends of the emotional spectrum will help you get closer to the middle, where the truth lies.

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Thank you I never thought of the books things. I will be trying that soon thank you :)

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wow kid....... not only can you do it - but you have to start healing yourself.......it'll take effort and some time - but you can start the process now......<br />
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you will no doubt need to find support and the right 'help' - but mostly it's up to you....<br />
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is there anyone you know you CAN talk to honestly ?? some one you feel you can trust enough just to do that - talk - get some feedback and maybe some help with direction ??

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No I don't trust anyone enough not to go telling everyone

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yeah i believe you......well i'm real sorry about your mom.... the rest i don't know what to say - but LISTEN - there is NOTHING 'wrong' with you - you've been through a LOT of emotional and psychological trauma - AND your dealing with the loss of your mother - your may be reacting in ways that are unhealthy now - but you can and will learn to cope with all of this AND everthing else life throws at you - but you have to re-learn - litterally train yourself to do so ......but you CAN and will do it.......and there ARE resources that you can access that will help you no matter where you are... - are you still in school ??

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i usually see blunt answers from you and this one is really thoughtful...just thought id say...its really nice

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Yes, I`m failing out though. I try so hard, but I freeze up on tests and when teachers ask me questions. I try to write complete sentences, but the pressure is too much and my words just don`t come out right.

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If you truly don't trust anyone then resolving your issues is going to be very difficult. There are hotlines out there that you can call that will help you but this will mean that you will have to talk to someone and give some amount of trust. It is nearly impossible to resolve your own issues. I have worked with teenagers who have your same problems for over 15 years and it takes some amount of trust on your part to work through your difficulties. Yes=you have been dealt a bad hand but it can be worked through...I promise! I have ran into teenagers I worked with years later and they are doing great! Start writing down your feelings in a journal if you haven't already. The point of this is to see how you are doing and give you an outlet for all of your emotions. You have to get it out somehow and taking it out on your body is not a good idea. You can also use EP to share your thoughts and feelings in stories and confessions. That will require some amount of trust though. You should also come up with a list of positive qualities about yourself. Things that are good about you and keep this list around for when you are feeling bad about yourself and wanting to cut. It may not keep you from cutting but it will be a reminder that you have good qualities and that you are not all bad! You are likely dealing with some serious depression ba<x>sed on what you have said so getting professional help is a good idea. I don't know your age but you seem young. I would encourage you to get help locally. Every community has resources available for free or ba<x>sed on income. If you need help with this email me and I will do what I can to help you. I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. I know this is difficult for you!

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I think if you prayed to God he would help you. God has the power to turn any situation around and to change your mindset and thought/feelings at a whim. God can cure you.

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I tried god. I tried god for 6 years. I don`t mean to be disrespectful, but in my personal opinion I have nothing that makes me think god is real. Thank you for the support though :)

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Your'e welcome... i feel for you.. i hear what you say and i dont mean to be disrespectful either but the only thing ill say is it looks like your young and maybe you just dont understand your relationship with God yet. All I ask is that you keep an open mind, and not discredit God so easily. Other than that, one thing i thought of thats probably not really helpful but it does help is listening to music..to me getting lost in a song/songs that completely describe how im feeling has healing powers..have you heard of a band called blue october?

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Yes I am young 17. I try to keep an open mind. I try to go to church sometimes, but I feel out of place there. and i know blue october their awesome :)

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yeah i know what you mean about feeling out of place at church..lol but thats cool that you like blue october i think theyre awesomeee too

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sometimes; you'll just have to talk about it; and I know you already are. you feel good enough to talk about it on this site and ask a question; so you'll almost there. you can write your stories on ep to vent; and I'm sure that will help you. it's good to write things down; it releases what's inside of you. I know there are supportive people on this site to help you deal with it.

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There are this site has actually helped me already. I use to cut myself any time that I was alone, but advice from people on here has let me stop cutting as often I still wish I could stop, but I know it will take time.

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I'm sure it will get less and less. that's good step forward :-)you are doing something to help yourself

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stand up for yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
have faith things will be ok.<br />
do well in school and dont give a flop about anyone elses opinion. if its negative or has a suspected wierdness to it<br />
breathe<br />
help other people when you can.<br />
follow the 10 commandments as best you can.

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i hate school i try so hard and its never good enough

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it will come to you in time. have faith. and keep those steps. or dont then 'La tristesse durera toujours'

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What does that mean

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i dont want to tell you that one. go look it up =) google works well

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Stop the cutting and the self criticism then go to the police and tell them you got raped twice so they can throw that bugger in jail you deserve so much better than a rapist.<br />
Then help you mother, you will not regret it. The more you help her you will have less time to think about you and your problems. Mothers are great listeners, try establishing a connection with her. Then try gratitude, every day write down 10 things you are grateful for. Do this every day.

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i tried the list thing and i got 4 things my family being alive my computer and my home

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keep trying :) make it 10 next time. try making it a daily thing:)

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Okay I will

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Hi!
I wrote two long responses to you, and thought about you all week and consulted a therapist friend about you and offered prayers at church for you. You could put the EP Project on your list; we seem to be very interested in you, bubie!

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