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The reason I ask is, I initiate sex all the time,( I'm fit and considered attractive) my husband always has some sort of excuse, not having an affair, almost positive, he will of course accept oral sex but almost never do we have sex. Yet he shall we say services himself regularly, I don't understand, i have tried everything!
Bubbles65 Bubbles65 46-50, F 89 Answers Feb 6, 2012

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Holy crap! When I first read your question, the first thing that came to mind was "it's impossible!" But then I read your extra info. My marriage was sexless too. I was married for 9 years and we divorced over a lack of sex. It was I who turned to self gratification rather than have sex with her.<br />
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I was always the one to initiate sex and it was always the same routine over and over. It got to the point where I got so bored with sex that we had sex once per month and I serviced myself every 2 days in between. Our sex life began going downhill after our son was born. The stresses of child care was a strain on us. She took a part-time night job so that got in the way too.<br />
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The thing that I hated most about it is that I'm a great lover. I make love with the sole purpose of bringing pleasure to my partner. I don't care about my own pleasure. I resist climax until she's had several of them. But for me to want to make love to her, she needs to be there when I want her.<br />
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I'm not saying that he has that same problem, but he has a problem of some sort. He might resent you for some reason. If sex was great years ago but has gotten worse with time, that's a sign. Talk to him frankly about it and see what he complains about. Maybe you can work together to eliminate what he's angry about.<br />
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Update: I'm thinking that it's because he services himself too much. It's become a habit that he can't stop. I've been single for over a decade and had been servicing myself many times per week. Now that I have a beautiful girlfriend who enjoys sex, I'd much rather lick her privates than have sex the usual way. But when I stop servicing myself for a week, I find myself craving her. Holding off for two weeks makes me want her very, very much! If you can get him to agree not to service himself for a few weeks, maybe your sex life will come back to life. It's also possible that he's becoming bi-curious and the thought of you doesn't turn him on as much as it used to.

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Thanks for your response, it made a lot of sense I've always felt there was some underlying resentment and that he was with holding sex as some sort of punishment, I just don't know what it is, if I ask it just turns into an argument over nothing, thanks again.

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Uh-oh! Then if he's unwilling to talk about it, you should urge him to seeking professional help to see if he can open up to someone and get his problem out in the open where it can be repaired. If he absolutely refuses repeatedly, your only alternatives are, from best to worse, to get a divorce, live with it, or cheat. You deserve a man who will love you and make love to you often. Like me, for example. :)

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I've asked him to go to counseling, either with or without me, he just gets mad accusing me of just wanting to embarrass him,
I just want a normal healthy sex life!
I do deserve to be made love to! And often

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What a selfish jerk he is! He puts his own pride before his own wife's happiness. That's not a good husbandly attitude, I assure you. You should seriously consider divorce. I couldn't live a month with a wife who had that attitude. That's why I divorced her. There were other reasons too, so that's why we're not friends now. We all deserve to have a normal and satisfying sex life. It's essential for mental health, believe it or not! If only you lived closer to me, I could help with a sensual massage. You'd feel much better afterward, and sleepy. But it would be best if your husband did it. I could teach him how, but I get the impression that he's not the type who wants to please you. I don't know what else to tell you.

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It's pretty demeaning to me, he will make sexual comments throughout the day implying he wants some, even asking me to wear certain things, I will go change, light candles, get out massage oil, then he tells me he changed his mind and is to tired! It is crazy making, when I ask why, he gets mad and tells me I'm to demanding, that I should have known he wasn't meaning now.

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What a jerk he is!!! Sorry to say. Will you be divorcing him or do you plan to tolerate not having sex for the rest of your life?

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H clams up about sex in front of the counsellor, he says he doesn't use internet **** (BS) and is just too tired.....(for a YEAR!) OK, I admit my anger and resentment are boiling, trying so hard not to give up though

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I think that giving him a relaxing massage would help. A half hour later, turn it slowly into an erotic massage. If that doesn't get him all horny and wild about you, I don't know what will.

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Oh, the crazy making gets worse. You'll get a lot of different answers if you ask "why". None of them are likely the truth. You'll never know why, and why does not matter. This one sounds more like a power-trip though - he saw how badly you wanted it, and after he got that, he's just moved the goal post, holding it out there like a carrot on a stick.
...And it will get worse... Divorce him now and retain your sanity!

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Why not give up? It doesn't seem likely to improve, and your anger, resentments are building. You'll stop seeing him as a potential sexual partner in awhile, but keep the anger and hurt.

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I know I think of that, I'm not asking for anything out of the ordinary, I'm not sure what I am going to do, what is sad is that in other ways we get along so well, always laughing, we were best friends for 10 years before we got together, but the strain of our lack of sex life is definitely having an impact on our marriage., when a friend jokes about sex, and I will comment about how I wouldn't know about that, that I don't get sex, it ****** my husband off, but what the hell, I figure if he doesn't want people to think we don't have sex, well he should fqqk me!

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I hear you on that!

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I have even tried giving him a BJ while he sleeps, he wakes up all ready, but when I start to mount up, he says he's too tired for sex but that I can finish the job and we can do it in the morning, but in the morning, there is just another excuse then an argument about how I keep bitching about the same thing, makes me nuts,

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That is exactly how it seems, there are always some conditions I need to meet, some behavior that I need to change, but when I do as asked there is just another rule, I know logically I need to get out, but it is hard , we have been together a long time, have a child, and I guess I'm scared of the whole nasty divorce scenario. I guess I really needed to hear the opinions of outside parties, really the first place I've ever really been able to share about this, it is embarrassing to talk about your husband refusing to have sex, it is really damaging to my self esteem.

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No! Please don't let it hurt your self-esteem! The problem is not you, it's him! I think that he may be cheating on you with someone else. If I were you, I'd get a divorce and get away from this guy. You're every man's dream because you want sex and are willing to initiate it. I wish I could have a woman like you! You would rarely need to initiate because I'd be all over you every night! :)

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Huh? Who are you replying to? Your response doesn't fit the reply directly above yours. Try including the EP name so that we know to whom you refer!

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My H told me withholding sex was a punishment...I never did find out why I was being punished. He kept this to himself until we had been married 5-years. We had talks about it, even got professional help, but to no avail. It's now 21-years later, and it never changed, just got worse with more issues to deal with. Like you, any time I said I was leaving, he would change...for about 2-weeks...but always reverted back, so be careful not to lose the years of your life waiting for him to change because mostly they don't. It seems he has no care for your needs, which means...well I think you know what that means, dear.

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Holding sex for punishment always turns out badly for both partys.

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I am so tired of trying! Just the other day, he led me to believe we would be intimate, I was waiting for him to come upstairs, so I took the photo I put as profile to hurry him along, he never did,.
It finally really hit me, the control I've given him, no more, when he as usual, made the same excuses, tried to make me feel unworthy, this time it didn't work, he couldn't hurt me anymore!
I am worthy, damn worthy,

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16 More Responses

OK I am not an expert but ....<br />
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In a loving relationship I would suggest that you talk to him and ask why<br />
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Dont make it challenging or mek him feel he is doing something wrong - the feeble male ego couldnt cope with that. <br />
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Suggest you pick your time, get some wine (or whatever you like to drink) and casually ask. "We dont seem to make love very often why is that? How can we make it better?)<br />
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Depending on the answer you could try to spice it up a bit - I have read that sex in marriage becomes a bit dull after a few years. So be dangerous do it in the car, do it on the kitchen table, suggest you try an outdoor liasion etc<br />
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Then you could always look a the his internet useage and see what he has in mind - if his web stie visits are all about strict mistresses buy a riding crop, put on your heels and tight skirt and whip his ***.......<br />
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Hope it all works out

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Thanks ! Lol, I've tried those things! But sounds fun maybe I'll give it a go again!

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H won't tell me any fantasies and I can't get to his computer

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Well sounds like you just have to sit and talk!
Nice meal, some wine etc - then say can we talk about something? He wont say no yet. So go on again not challenging not blaming. Just ut it out there for discussion. We don';t seem to be making love as often as we used to - is anything wrong. I know I have been busy or tired or just had that promotion or whatever [only put that in to "" take some of the blame"" so he doesnt feel like you are saying you dont do it right or are not man enough to do your duty in bed etc]
Then ask outright, what can we do [it's we now you are working together]. If he doesnt volunteer something gently push the point. Can we have a cosy night in tomorrow early to bed! OR Maybe I should buy a maid constume, OR perhaps I shoud tie you to the bed and ravish you OR - or anything else - put the ideas out there and see where his eyes light up. If he gets interested suddenly you know the direction to take. BUT be ready for him to float some ideas - and be ready to gently support him and say come on it's OK what do YOU want to try - in case he is too embarrased to ask you to wear heels in bed (or sya he wants to wear the heels!!)
Good luck

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I'm not sure I can offer much, but I will try. I'm 42 now, but in my mid-twenties I went through a period when I went off sex with my partner, to the point that she ended up having several "talks" with me --especially when she discovered that I was still pleasing myself, she felt that this was taking away from her.<br />
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I can honestly only speculate as to the why. My best guess is that I was still intensely wounded from a previous relationship, to the point that I'd seperated intimacy and desire from physical sensation and release. I recall it manifesting as a lack of desire with my partner, and that I was unclear at the time as to whether it was simply because my taste in women was different, or that she had qualities that I found unattractive. It made no sense to me because she is a very attractive woman, fit, athletic, sexy, artsy, smart, fun, loving. The whole package. And yet. When I was in it, I honestly wasn't sure if it was me or if it was her. I could see the qualities, recognize that she was pretty, but I was unable to express my love with her physically. It was as if my sense of desire was completely disengaged with someone who knew me so intimately. Sex with a human being meant I would be vulnerable and open. I was closed - to her - and it drove me crazy that I couldn't generate desire for her. It didn't make any sense to me. And what was I going to tell her, that she wasn't hot enough? Because I was ******* it to **** girls that were half as hot.<br />
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I really think it was about vulnerability and intimacy - not at all withholding it as punishment or anger. I loved her sincerely. I'd always had a very high sex drive. I was frustrated that I was blowing it with her and causing such intense pain.<br />
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************ for me then, was a way of checking my pilot light, to assure myself that I had any desire at all. I risked nothing of myself in doing it, and I was quite efficient in it.<br />
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I can say with certainty that I did love her. That she was attractive. That the problem was mine and something I was working through, and that to get me in the mood, I had somehow lost track of the intimacy plot with her. She was at a place where she was ready to go in an instant, with assumed intimacy, whereas I was in a place where that had to be cultivated over time again, and perhaps I had to heal something. Spending time with fantasy also helped me to check with myself - to determine again or find, for myself what turned me on. I think that prior relationshiphad me so spun around that I did not trust my body any more to lead me to healthy intimacy.

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Thanks for your comment, I have realized myself that it really is Him, I think he also is dealing with something... I just wish I knew what!

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I am a husband who is losing interest in sex. Reason... <br />
I am tired of putting up a show of wanting it.<br />
I am tired of initiating it all the time<br />
I am tired of not seeing my spouse acting up to even a single of my fantacy willingly<br />
But most importantly...<br />
i am tired of meeting another fruitless effort in improving her change her personality towards sex. I guess it is the male ego which is fragile in such relationships.

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I hear so often how many men would welcome their wives initiating sex, I am the only one who does, tried most every possible way of approaching him, even initiating while he is asleep, but didn't turn out very well, I did all the work, never even touched me, just allowed me to...
It was degrading,
It seems like, the better I feel about myself, and god forbid someone compliments me, he then makes a joke of it. Had sex of any form 4 times in the last 12 months.
Not a marriage,anymore.

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I trioed talking to her in the past. But nothing much was of success. In very recent past, i wrote her a letter, explaining everthing and left it with her one morning before going to work. From the evening of that day, things started to change. It worked for me. May be you should try approaching him this way and highlight what is missing in your relationship and how much you value it if things change for better.

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@ Bubbles: I think you need to get out of there. Your husband is either mentally and emotionally overloaded and can not cope with your condition, or he is a stupid, emotionally and intellectually stupid man who is endangering you with his mindgames. In either case - you need to get out of there. Either possibility may well render him incapable of having sex with you, but he's stifling you. <br />
My wife's best friend has MS, she's in a wheelchair (electric) and very nearly blind, yet she goes screaming around town in her wheelchair doing the shopping (she's got a little electric sonar type device that stops her from running into things), she's tiling the bathroom, panelling the living room ... it's just plain incredible what she can still do. Your husband on the other hand is totally cutting you down. Find a place where it's safe for you to live, and that enables you to do more with your life.<br />
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@ Sexualanarchist - I find your statement totally surprising. You find ************ more intense? I'm the opposite. ************ ****** = pressure release and a bit of a sneeze. ****** with a partner: I nearly faint with pleasure, I feel like a heart attack is imminent, my whole body tingles and I damn near pass out. Then I more or less lose consciousness except I can feel the pleasure. I more or less lose sight. I always have temporary amnesia afterwards. Limp as a dishrag. It's not in the same ballpark even!!!<br />
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Heh, I can't normally *take* that more than a few times a week, which is why I resort to ************ to relieve pressure even when I am in a sexual relationship. It's just too intense.

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Thank you so much for your reply, I applaud your friends wife!
When I'm able I love gardening , bike riding water sports, it's a little scarey without much vision but adds to the thrill.
It is strange, just when I was really considering moving out, my husband has had somewhat of a change of heart, I hope it lasts but well see,
My best wishes to you!

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Its prolly temp. He seems like he may have a girl on the side here. your story has all the signs of this. move on get better, someone who will really love you deeply.

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If your having problems in "that department" it's time to sit your partner down and have the talk.You need to tell her why you feel the way you feel,and why it's hurting you to go w/o the nookie.You need to let them know you are human and have "needs." Give them the option to out or stay,and if they stay,they better re-think that part of their life.<br />
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I had a freind that had a simular situation.She sat down with her hubbie and had a long talk.He did not like s*x,at all.She shared with me she was lucky to get lovin maybe a few times a year!! She couldn't take it anymore,she was at her wits end,and she had needsand was very depressed.To her shock and surprise,her husband understood and let her find a bf just for "that" on the side.Now,i'm not condoning their choices,but each situation is different.He had problems with his little sholdier that were not fixable.But they loved each other very much,and didn't want to break up thier family.No one crucify me ok,this is a true story.

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Thanks for your input, I feel bad but I almost wish he had a medical issue, I have tried to talk to him each time it just ends up in a fight, I love my husband, and I don't want to look elsewhere, I'm just very confused and frustrated, had sex 8 times in 2 years.

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Well,you need to re-evaluate your situation.That is a very hard spot to be in,but if one of you don't change something,it will stay the same and con.t to get worse.Oh,and why should you feel bad?You've done nothing wrong dear.Your human,god made us with feelings of wanting to be loved.Not trying to pry,but do you think it could be some other reason he's not interested?Please don't take what i'm saying as bad,but some men are geared a different way then other men.Some men need more of something,some may need less of it.

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Do you think he has found out he might have a potential disease and don't want to spread it to you?I'm just guessing,i hope you don't take my answers in a wrong manner?Do you think he could be,umm,how do i say this,do you think he could be gay? I'm not trying to upset you,just trying to help you with ideas as to what it might be.I know this is a stretch,why don't you get someone to follow him after work and see what his activities are after work.I know this may seem out of kelter,but sometimes you need to get to the bottom of an answer if your not sure.

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I often get the feeling it is a matter of control, he has always been very passive aggressive, i maybe think it makes him feel like he gas the upper hand, I also feel like he likes the fact that it makes me feel bad about myself, and there fore some how elevates himself.

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Sounds like to me you are under his nail.You need to have a little talk with yourself if that's where you feel comfortable.You know what,why don't you sit down and write a long letter and pour your heart into it,and tell him if things don't change,your leaving.Send it to his email and let him know you mean business.For sure he reads his emails on his alone time,and will take the words more to heart.You need to let him also know it's pretty sad that you had to write a letter then him sitting and listening.You also need to remind him WHY you two are in this relationship in the first place.It's just not worth it if your coming 2nd behind him gettin off.That's not cool at all.That tells me he has either lost respect for you,or has never had it.Buck up and do something hun,your happiness and future depend on it.

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visit www.Ayurveda.com &amp; consult with doctor free of cost

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visit www.Ayurveda.com &amp; consult with doctor free of cost

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I often get the feeling...these are your words, It starting to sound as if its not a simple sex problem but a form of abuse to control and demean you.

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Are you talking about me?Or her problem in specific?

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Dang! Sex only once every three months on average? That's not enough sex! How can you tolerate that???

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Thank you, I think maybe writing a email might just be a good idea, he gets soo defensive when I bring the ubject up in person, maybe if I put it in a non confrontational manner and explain my feelings without sounding like I'm being accusatory that I live him and just want to feel loved in return.

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You are so right, I believe he is extremely passive aggressive and uses with holding sex to maybe boost his self esteem, he seems to enjoy the fact that he knows I want him, so he lords it over me

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Wish I knew

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I can't, the longest stretch without has been 7 months

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Your doing the right thing.When your dealing with a person that put's it on the backburner constantly and get angry when you bring it up,it's time for the next step.Writing a letter and pouring out your feelings will not only be theraputic for you,but really get to him as well.This is just a thought off the top of my head,but maybe,if you have a friend of his or yours that knows the situation well,maybe they can say a few words to him about how he's hurting you by not truely listening to you.Maybe that might get to him.I wish you the best though this tough time dear.Peace.

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I have a friend like that too who has a bf and thinks I should get one too

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That's more than me!

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I am going through the same exact thing. I don't know what it is either. i have confronted him and no change and I am seriously thinking about leaveing. i don't know how else you or me could be happy other than leaving! i hate saying it because i love him so much, and seems like you do to, but what choice are they giving us?

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Sex with my wife has been going down hill for a long time. She is changing mentally and physically, I could write a very long story on how over the last 20 years things have slowly gone away. I will give you a couple of thing that she does that keep me from wanting to have sex with her, and yes I prefer to please myself over doing it her way. She use to be more adventurous, not just in the bedroom, but now she won't even go out side, we live on 10 acres and cant see any of our neighbors and we have hundreds of trees. She has quit showering before bed, I prefer her to be clean shaven and she used to do that for me, now just complains its to much effort. She has also taken up religion and I am so far the other direction. When she lays in bed reading the Bible its like kryptonite to Superman. I just want to sleep in another room and she keeps trying to push going to church with her "like she used to before we were married" . So to make a long story short, if she kept her self clean, had a little spontaneity so it wasn't SOSDD (same old stuff different day) and kept religion out of our conversations, and lost about 50 lbs, it has a big impact on sex for me. I would be much more inclined to have sex with her. The little we do have sex lately I can't even keep an erection I get excited but when we have inter course or oral I loose it. For me it is a lot of visual, it can't be passionate "love" every time, sometimes it's more sex than love. I think there is time for both , so self pleasing means I don't have do deal with a lot of things going on in my mind and I can concentrate on myself, with her there I loose my focus and cant perform. It really hurts just to say that, but it's true. I'm in my 60's now and it's almost not even worth the effort. Bubbles it seems you have a lot more problems with "Bob" than just sex, if that is your real picture and with your attitude I can't see how he can't keep his hands off of you. :-)

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Thanks for your input , u r right, there r a lot of issues, he is so incredibly passive aggressive it literally is crazy making.
He has gotten so bad, he refuses, of course without coming out and saying no, to help at all around the house, the porch is 1200 square feet, I alone had to prep, and stain it,despite it being his things, tools, I cleaned out the old barn , years, like 20 of crap that hadn't been touched, even if asked he would not, I had to move a large chest freezer alone, what MAN would even let his wife do that?
Then he acts pusses at me for ... Not needing him? I don't know!
I began martial arts training , feel good about myself, he makes fun of my muscle tone, I'm not like a bodybuilder , he acts like he is embarrassed by my appearance , rather than proud. Weird!
And lol, it's me in the pic.

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Selfishness, passive agressive behavior, issues with women, control and manipulation, Lazy, and a coward. Very very afraid of intimacy. Undealt with anger and emotions. Lacking any emotion. <br />
There you go now you know. I searched, and searched thinking I could find a solution. What I found was it takes 2 willing parties to act as a team. He could care less. He's fine, after 3 years I spent 2weeks crying in my room & not once did he ask if I was ok. I then realized he was punishing me by withholding any affection. I have had fwb since, he acts as if he has Aspergers . Hes a broken being

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OMG! You just described my spineless little Bi#%h man boy to a tee! Mine will not only with hold sex, affection, he rarely to ever even notices what I do, if he does he will generally tell me how I could have done it better. Never says anything positive just makes fun of me, all excused by " he was just kidding", and if I am ever looking forward to something, without fail he will ensure it does not happen. Says one thing, never follows through and when confronted, denies ever having said it. He conveniently " forgets" any thing having to do with me. But expects perfection from me.
I call him Blameless Bob, he has no faults at least that he admits, he almost never apologizes for anything, but when he does, it always is something like, I'm sorry you misunderstood me, and over reacted and ruined my day,
Lately I have been having problems choking when I eat, ( I have MultiplevSclerosis) swallowing is difficult, but instead of getting items from store I request ( I am legally blind as well only vision in half of rt eye) so I no longer drive, he has only purchased things I cannot eat safely, so for the last 3 and a half days, I have eaten only a can of peaches, and jello, despite the fact he has gone to a grocery store at least twice a day. I have been out of my house the 15th of oct, and prior to that the 24th of sept. I really think he is trying to provoke me to suicide. But actually I'm giving info to an attorney to get him on criminal neglect, they say he will be arrested the same day he gets served divorce papers along with a civil filing! Stupid *****! I just have to be patient!!!

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I "had" a friend with MS. His Wife did a lot of damage to him, then served him with divorce papers and a very public fight - he was declining rapidly and this did not help. After he moved out one afternoon he drove his car into the garage of their house - and left the engine on. I never really forgave his "widow".... five kids without their Father. Nice guy too. He never told me what was wrong - I saw him walk and kept asking what was wrong - it was barely noticeable - he was not lifting one of his legs enough - he kept saying nothing but I kept asking until the words MS came out. Not a nice disease but NO one deserves what he got or what you are getting.

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Omg That really does sound bad. I could not even treat a dog that bad. Something wrong with that guy.
Too bad I don't have a good gal in my life. Blind or not. I just thing who a person is on the inside makes the most difference. The kinder a woman is the better. Caring too. Anyhow you should get out of that relationship asap. That dude is seriously messed up.

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I'm beginning to realize that just because we have been together so long, I HAD to make it work, finally got him to see a counselor with me, he was seen separately for 2 visits, but when they didn't say it was all me, that they felt he had significant passive aggressive behavior, and perhaps borderline personality disorder. He quit, and says they don't know what they are talking about!
I just don't ever even see him make an effort to look at the possibility, that he is in fact a large part of the problem.
If anything, he has just become even more of a selfish, self righteous ***,
I just don't see much point in continuing to drain myself, emotionally for a man who basically is incapable of real emotion.

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1 More Response

Men turn into men from boys. When they first learn to ********** the ob<x>ject of the exercise is to ********* and to do so as quickly as possible. When they finally get near a girl they have been trained in the worst possible way - a Woman needs more time and consideration to ******. The male has years of ************ training before he gets anywhere near a woman. This bad training has to be unlearned and sometimes it never happens - the dolts go at a woman like they are playing with themselves in a selfish manner and they *** way too quick. They are selfish - they are thinking of their pleasure not hers - inconsiderate selfish behaviour. I love making my Wife have a pleasurable experience. I take my time and I enjoy every moment of it. Gentlemen know ladies come first - always.

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if a man prefers to ********** than have sex - he does not deserve to be married. In my marriage we signed a contract in front of clergy - witnessed by them, signed by family witnesses as well. In that contract it stipulates that marital relations are the absolute right of the wife and the obligation of the husband to provide them - when ever she wishes them and it is his responsibility to make these relations pleasurable. These are part of her rights in marriage. I fulfill my obligations with love and with due regard to her. This contract includes other issues as well but in it's basic state it has been used for thousands of years.

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You should stop being the agressor and initiating all the time. You are emasculating and pressuring him. Pressure to have sex with you turns a man off. Man must pursue women. Stop talking to him about his "problem", stop crying or begging or asking him why he does not want it. Act as though you forgot all about it. <br />
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Next get busy, work out, go out with friends etc. Think in terms of 6 months here. This takes time to work, but it will work.<br />
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When he does finally initiate, play coy and hard to get. be sweet but dont give in to his initial "stirrings" of desire for you. They are too fragile and having sex now can risk putting you right back where you were. Instead, hold out until he is not only begging, but climbing the walls.....then once you finally give him sex, from then on, let him initiate 99% of the time. Do not go back to being the pursuer and trying to get him to have sex. <br />
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Here are some dos and donts:<br />
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DO back off! Do be happy, loving, friendly, but uninterested in sex. You must appear this way to him even if you are screaming inside. ********** to releive your frustration.<br />
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DONT:<br />
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have sex<br />
ask for sex<br />
joke about sex<br />
spring romantic surprises on him<br />
try to hard<br />
walk around naked<br />
dress up sexy to get his attention<br />
sign when you see other couples on t.v.<br />
act sad, dissappointed, frustrated, angry<br />
change clothes in front of him<br />
press yourself against him in bed<br />
********** next to him<br />
threaten to see other people<br />
<br />
This method takes a little patience, but it is the only way to solve it.

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WTF?

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I don't think there is a step by step solution, and considering I have taken many if the routes suggested, I Know it didn't help my situation, but thank you for your thoughts!

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Hi sailor how's your husband doing? Bought him any new lingerie lately?

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I disagree with some of those. But whatever.

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this is the exact way to get your husband back on track. Pressure for sex from my wife really turned me off.

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firstly he doesn't have to perform to anyone else's standard and second he can choose any fantasy he wants and make it work out to be the best experience ever <br />
is reading a book or watching a film better than travelling the world we would agree no but at least you don't get robbed or find it isn't what you hoped it would be

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Google sexless marriage and delayed *********** and on psych forum you will find all your answers. Good luck -- it will be a challange. PM me if you want to talk.

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Wow, this was like reading my own story! My husband is exactly the same (though I now have a BF, and we have released each other of any moral obligation). Does your husband view a lot of ****, or have an extensive stash of ****? My husband would rather service himself than ever touch a woman again. I think he's addicted to the fantasy of it, but not the actual application. One word to the wise though, I've done almost everything on here that everyone has suggested to you. I've done the mutual "self pleasuring", Bj's hoping it would go further, suggesting, watching **** together, in the end all he wants is a bj or hand job. I could not fix my husband, after countless conversations, begging, crying, all of it. Run while you can, if you can. I still have to be here because I'm in college. The day I get a job after nursing school, I'M GONE. These are years I can never get back.

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Thanks, and yes he does enjoy his ****, I think it is just easier to do himself, no effort put out on another person, A Hole!,

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There's your problem. **** is a cancer. If not treated early, it can consume some men. **** fantasies are unrealistic and quite frankly some men would have trouble perform some of the acts they ********** too. So put the two together and you have an unrealistic, but highly desirable fantasy that odds are you can't perform. Much easier to visualize it or watch it. Quite simply, your husband has lost his interest in human sex and now prefers the video variety. He lets you give oral or hand stimulation because then he can continue the visual fantasy, but not have the anxiety about performance. Anything short of serious therapy will not work. **** is also a drug and your husband is clearly an addict. Stop wasting your life. Get a FWB or get a divorce before you lose your interest too.

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He must just be selfish. My wife has never in 30 years ever come to me for sex. I am 57 and still think like I am 18. Getting sex toys really would push her over the edge. I wish just once she would call me into her bedroom and surprise me. I will win the mega lottery first. Look 4 a BF or GF.

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I had to return to school for eight months once, and didn't see my fiancee during that time. When we got back together, she wasn't enthusiastic about having sex again. She was very tepid. I became very angry at her, without realizing it. After we were married, I seldom touched her. I preferred ************. It must have been revenge: let HER be the rejected one for a change. <br />
<br />
After a while we both found lovers and then were divorced. My new woman was hot as hell, and I felt like I'd been reborn. When we were separated occasionally, she was like a tigress when we got back together. Needless to say, ************ lost its allure.

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It is to bad you guys couldn't work it out, in my relationship, I have always been the one to initiate, and even when he seemed receptive he would suddenly be to tired, I don't even try as much because it hurts to be rejected, I think there is something that he resents I don't know what, he refuses to talk about it, in other ways we get along well, but it seems like if you have a good sex life,even if there are other problems, it is easier to get past them, but if you have little or no sex life it seems to make the other smaller problems get bigger, like an elephant in the room.

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some times guys watch to much **** and have big fantasies about sex, or it is just the same sex and they get board. maybe spicing things up would be cool. if you have not already, maybe you take the lead. start of with a bj but then have it turn into more

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Thank you, I have tried most everything! But I think you are right about ****, it creates such an unrealistic view on sex, my spouse had not had many long term relationships prior to me, I think he had watched so much ****, it skewed his views on intimacy.

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Several reasons, but two main reasons come to mind. 1) you had children and, through the years, assumed the "mother" role instead of the playful loving spouse role, and the mother role, of course, involves no sex. 2) in a related way, you didn't have time to have fun with sex through the years, so the fun and joy associated with sex fell by the wayside. This is not to blame you, but is the responsibility of you both. Has he asked you to do something sexually that you refuse to do? Or something that he always feel that you redoing begrudgingly? He's obviously think g of something when he masturbates, something that's enjoyable to him. Your best bet is to find out what it is and involve yourself and him in that activity (but chances are youvealready rejected that course of action). Good luck!

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I appreciate your thoughtful response!
I have always been sexually adventurous, there really isn't anything that he has suggested that I haven't been willing to try,
Each time I try and broach the subject of sex he becomes very defensive, the last approach I tried was similar to what you suggested, I asked him what he felt we could do increase our sexual frequency, I was shut down immediately. I don't understand at all, I have no issue with the fact that he ***********, my issue is that it has replaced sex almost entirely.

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Wow, you'd try pretty much anything he suggested? ..... Will you marry me..?

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I hear you... exactly the same thing happens to me. My BF has ED and low testosterone, and every time I try to talk with him about his lack of interest in me sexually he becomes very defensive. And yes, he prefers to ********** than having sex with me, even at night when we are in bed and he think I'm asleep. I figure he feels so insecure, he prefers to relief himself. That's pretty sad :(

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Lol, yeah I'd try what he suggested, never said no yet, I have to say though I'm not saying I would not say no, if it was too weird ,but I've always been pretty open,
I wish he would try what I suggest!,

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It is sad, I almost wish there was a medical reason for my husbands issues, I think it has to do with control, and I've always felt there was something he holds as a resentment towards me, I wish I knew what it was! Best of luck to you.

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think no emotions are involved and he will have no worries of satisfying his/her partner(s) coz he will have already satisfied himself

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Thanks, I wondered sometimes if it wasn't just laziness, mixed with a good bit of selfishness, it seems as if to a man it is just getting off, where as for myself I like the feeling of closeness, to make live.

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oh on the bit of selfishness,yeah a man especially when he has done his thing and is usually satisfied by it will have a low esteem to perform the sex act with you.it usually happens alot with men who are too much into ************.

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i think alot of men ma$turba+e more than women. after a while i think they get use to it that they can only finish by ma$+urba+ing. women can get some anytime they want...men for the most part really dont, so they rely on ma$+urba+ion. when the time comes that theyre in a relationship...well, by that time theyre knee deep in only doing that thing they do best.

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Easier for them plain and simple

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