It is the hatred of my father to be precise. He was such an abuser (physical). I never have had the feeling to ever forgive him. This is a canker for sure. The hatred is so great that I could kill him if he was alive. I was just a kid when I had to take the belting from him virtually every week without fail. Some times even three times. It still hurts and haunts.
Thank you for your encouragement.
I had a very difficult childhood, most every type of abuse and felt constantly judged by people. I found it very difficult to connect with people, social anxiety and depression, in fact lived a very isolated life for almost 10 yrs. But im breaking through it, still have very few friends, but care much less if people like me or judge me. i am able to date, have relationships.
The fact that the adults were selling me a dog a pony show while really being much more scared and clueless than I ever was and often had little idea what was going on beyond their tasks at hand. I took the unstated social indoctrination as a conspiracy and once you start doubting authority it's a self fulfilling kind of deal as nonverbal clues communicate your disrespect which will setoff the occasional figure de jure in authority who decided I was what I was and reacted accordingly which isn't the best professional choice when dealing with kids. I got a bad taste of authority and it has coloured me strongly in my attitudes concerning the powers that be which Lo! and behold it turns out I was at least turning some level of ob<x>jective reality into my issues rather than doing it all to myself but what little justification may be scraped from that cold comfort it remains that my authority issues mean that I'm more prepared to serve as a Robespierre instead of considering how I could be constructive and unifying when the other shoe drops. Now I find myself often arguing the merits of the government to those polarized to the extreme on deregulation and small government. Never say never cause it's a funny ol' world after all.
Low self-esteem thanks to mom constantly telling me I need to change or else nobody will love me. She also constantly mentions I'm not smart enough and not able to live on my own or make decisions, though I think I'm finally overcoming this one.
The death of both my parents when l was 14 & then getting treated like cr*p by the people who were supposed to look afer me. A rolling pin over my head was the norm. Still dont understand why they treat me like that ?
Similar to yours. Being left alone much of the time, an emotionally detached mother, and having a bullying older brother seems to have established certain emotional triggers or insecurities that I have to deal with often.
Probably boarding school when I was 8 until 12 years old.
I had no friends when I was little because I was kinda out there and thought too much about philosophy and stuff and have confidence and self-esteem issues to this day! But I'm working on it...
People always thinking that if you are overweight, that you are lazy. I have always worked my *** off, so that no one could say that I am lazy, and yet no matter how hard I work, I always feel like I should do more, and that I am being lazy. It's a weird thing..
Many things, mainly my mother. She expected and still expects perfection. She is very critical of me and has set views on how people should live. She is very rigid in her viewpoints. She criticized me for having emotions and being upset and put me down. All of this has resulted in a severe lack of self esteem and confidence and feeling like I am unloveable unless I can be perfect or near enough perfect. It's hard.
Very abusive mum, telling me I was nothing as a child, worthless but just because she was my mum doesnt make her right
Being born in a male body with a highly feminised brain structure...<br />
Realising that I was actually a girl encased in a male shell at age four, stating this and then being subject to relentless social conditioning as a boy...<br />
Suffering the ignoble pains as a consequence...<br />
Enduring a miserable adolescence and a morose adulthood until after drug abuse alcohol abuse and various other self destructive behaviours including a suicide attempt I am now facing this head on despite losing my soul mate my home n more I am now in due process and living in my true gender as a woman....
Thank you that is kind
Fundamental Buddhist tenant:
Life is suffering...
You must have suffered endlessly. I feel for you.
Insecurity and Weight
I have no support in real life. But I do have support here on ep. A few very good people on here. Rape does change ones life forever. It is like your former self dies and you have to learn to be the new person you are. Which is not an easy life anymore.