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Passionateheartman Passionateheartman 46-50, M 6 Answers Jun 5, 2012

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You express your hurt and the way you feel, without blaming another. If you say, "it really hurt me or affected me," or whatever, "when so and so did this or that, then that is talking about you, and how something affected you. If I say, "my H is horrible, because he treated me in such and such a way for this many years, then that is being a victim...I would be putting the blame on him. If I say, "I endured so many years of suffering because of problems in the marriage, but I had the choice to leave, but I did not, that is not victimhood....that is taking responsibility for the choices you make whether good or bad. It's basically taking responsibility for your own choices, and that includes doing nothing because doing nothing is a choice, and not blaming someone else, when you had options. My story, "Don't Blame Someone Else," may give a better explanation than I can give here.

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Thank You Carissimi... you are so emotionally mature! Thank you sharing your wisdom...makes total sense.

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Robert Heinlein once wrote, "Never appeal to a man's better nature: he may not have one." <br />
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It's a bit harsh to put things that way in a family or romantic context, but some people actually are wired that way. You have to have leverage to get them to stop doing something that benefits themselves and hurts you. <br />
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You may be asking whether that is love: it isn't. You might love them, but a person who has to be manipulated out of hurting you is not in love with you. In a mutual loving relationship it ought to be enough to tell them you dislike something (usually once, maybe once or twice more if they're forgetful). Your question looks like you're treading on eggshells to express something that matters to you, and that is unreasonable. The other person bears responsibility for paying attention and accommodating your priorities.

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Wow... you sound like a person with experience...deep experience. Thank you.

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I don't agree with the premise that another person bears the responsibility for paying attention and accommodating someone else's priorities. If we take responsibility for our children that is one thing, but as adults if someone does not give something freely, then it is up to us to do something about it, if it makes us unhappy. This may include telling that person how whatever it is they do or do not do is hurting us, and to please change whatever it is, but if they choose not to accommodate us, then it is our responsibility to make our own choice whether to stay with that person or not. They have proven what kind of person they are, and what they thing of us. If we choose to continue on with that person, then that is our choice and our responsibility.

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Carissimi, suppose a doctor told your spouse to stop driving due to a medical condition and then schedules your spouse for surgery. Would you go out to a cafe instead of driving your spouse to the surgery center because, since you're both adults, neither is responsible for accommodating the other's priorities?
Shirking a responsibility doesn't make the responsibility disappear.

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If you have to draw a line-how are you expressing?

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No self-pity or wanting pity from others. I say how I feel once I work out an unselfish way to view it. Instead of airing my exact problems, I will make it less personal and distance myself from it a bit, and de-stress more privately. <br />
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"My mother said something that made me sad." becomes "Feeling blue today, maybe I'll try to walk it off." If I need someone to talk to, I will usually go directly to a friend or to the lovely, anonymous internet with my issue. You do need to get it out, but without blame.<br />
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Like I will say, "My mom said This, and it made me feel like This."

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When everything has now become 'poor me'. When you've now made yourself the perpetual victim.

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