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We are recently separated and it's killing me. I finally left him after 16 years and all I can think about is going back. What is up with that????
chooselife chooselife 36-40, F 21 Answers Apr 7, 2010

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dont worry im in the same boat it is because it was what we were used toit was our normal you have to look for a different kind of normal now and thats scary

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The comment by Essendon is such a stupid comment from someone who is trying to belittle the effects of domestic abuse!!! Nobody wants to be abuse - and your comment just demonstrates your severe ignorance.<br />
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People who don't understand why women stay with abusive men for so long have obviously never found them selves in this kind of situation - and I hope to god they never do!!!!!<br />
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The damage is severe and it takes a lot of strength on the womans part to walk away. Day to day life after leaving is a confusing mix of emotions. What you are feeling is absolutely normal but you must stand strong and not go back. Your partner will never change and you deserve a relationship of love and happiness not one that is happy one minute and soul destroying the next.<br />
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Keep strong - there are people that understand x

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.... Hi... isn't that so strange ??... for me,... when we were together I couldn't wait for him to go,... now that he's gone...I feel empty.... I dwell on what used to be in the beginning,... but in reality,.. that's been so gone for so long now...maybe I'm upset that he can move on,..& I'm stuck.... ... But we ALL deserve to be loved in a loving way, not abuse in any kind...that is not what God intended,... he's a loving God,... & we're dealing with evil all around us... .Sadly it's becoming "the norm" for us all... maybe with these posts , we can all bring confidence in to each others life, & learn we deserve the very best of Gods beautiful world...God Bless & all best of wishes to you.... don't go back,... only forward !!.. :) :) :) ! ! !

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I found a very interesting read on the net suggested by a member of EP. Read it, it will help you understand your current emotions. Search for Stockholm Syndrome.

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Having been with the same man for 16 years, you've obviously become accustomed to a way of life with him whether that life was nurturing and satisfactory for you or not. Now you're on your own -- what's next? If he was the type of guy who used to tell you what to do and what to think, suddenly you've got a whole world of choices in front of you that weren't there before and that can seem daunting.<br />
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This is a crucial transition period for you and I hope that you have some good support from family and/or friends; perhaps even a counselor. Don't give in to any urges that may arise to return to this guy -- you've made tremendous progress and you should be very proud of that. So celebrate whatever successes you have in your life at present and forge ahead. Some women never leave their abusers; you had to courage to say, "no more."

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You were programmed to put up with abuse. Do not go back to him as he will never change. Go and get councelling and make new friends. Do things you always wanted to do but could not.

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Maybe you left too easy.? Come here I'll abuse you.

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Mmmm - personaliy, u will always love him, but at the same time, u have been with him for a very long time. U don't know any other type of love and that is probably what you are longing for. It will pass. In time...The important thing is to keep on breathing and, yes it sounds horrible, try and remember the bad times - the times you were hurt and scorned for life...Only because if you only remember the good times, the bad times will fade and seem less important, allowing an opening for you to end up back where you were...You deserve to be loved and handled with care, not to be hurt...Love does not hurt - it nurtures...Allow yourself to heal and once the emotion fades the picture will become even clearer and you will be so proud of what you have done...Be strong!!!!!!

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Cuz is been a long time you spend <br />
With him and of course you can't let <br />
Go so easy after 16 years trust me <br />
It takes time to finally adapt to your <br />
New life but once you start to taste <br />
Freedom you don't want to go back

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Definitely take in what Nxylilly and LadyClarion say, both have very wise messages. Just remain strong. I know leaving your "norm" is scary, but it was something you needed to do. Don't be afraid to ask for help and support from your family and friends cause abuse doesn't just effect you, it effects everyone. No one likes to see a love one be mistreated. No one deserves that. Stay strong and take one day at a time.

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A really really stupid comment essendon, there is no joking about being abused. <br />
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Chooselife ignore those stupid remarks, stay strong you deserve a sake happy and peaceful life. Lean on those around you that love you and talk, talk, talk.

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It natural to crave what we 'know' and what we are used to. It's also natural to yearn for the good things about him, even though you know it comes with all that bad, that you left him for.<br />
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Give yourself a break and let yourself grieve. But know you've done the right thing, and do whatever you can to stay strong in your decision.

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i won't even leave mine cuz i know i will miss him and we've only been married for 5 yrs

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its because you have been with him for a long time and its someone who you can relate to and familiarise yourself with plus you probably miss the companionship that you had confide in a friend and talk to them and that way you will forget about him a little easier .

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i'm sorry, i didn't read the other comments yet, but I just wanted to say that I understand and I am sorry for your situation.<br />
It's probably the comfort of routine/behavior pattern/emotional roller coaster etc, that all can be very addicting. <br />
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There is obviously something very powerful that drew you to that person in the first place and that's what you're missing. <br />
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Maybe you're feeling guilty. I don't know, but please learn to be kind to yourself, allow *safe* love into your life and don't punish yourself.<br />
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Please find a way to break the pattern and not go back.

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The draw and pull those guys have confounds me so much that when I was a nice 'guy' dating girls, my 'success' in love was so hideously poor that at one point I actually considered studying from an abusive guy and giving that angle a try.

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