I was brought up in a fairly unaffectionate family, this had the effect of making me want to be more affectionate with my own children. I would say that my mother was perhaps slightly more affectionate than her own mother though, so I would agree with 'mistygrey' that it is a learned behaviour passed down from generation to generation. I hope that I have managed to break this cycle within my own family.
I never felt close to my mother and resented her from a very young age for the fact that she would be undemonstrative but then overly affectionate when she had been drinking. I remember the point that I realised just how starved of love I had been, when I witnessed a school friend kiss and hug her mother many times for no obvious reason but just because they wanted to show how much they cared. This display of affection was very normal in her family. This shocked me and affected me deeply. I then went on to having an intense 'romantic' relationship far too young which led to me becoming a mother at the age of 17. On reflection I believe that was my replacement for this loss of 'motherly' affection.
The bottom line is that in my opinion not every person on this earth should have the right to bear kids! It's not enough to provide a child with food and clothes, that's not what makes you a good parent! Schools for how to be a good parent should be available everywhere and mandatory for every women who's considering having a baby!!! You cannot bring babies into this world if you are incapable of showing affection! You cannot screw up a child just because you wanna experiment how does it feel to be a mother!!! People incapable of affection should get a pet, at least that pet won't be affected by their lack of affection! And it's amazing to me, it really is, how can you not show affection to your own son or daughter, your own flesh and blood? How can somebody bring down their own flesh and blood? How is that possible??? I can't and I will never be able to understand that kind of parents, that kind of moms! Again, special schools should exist, that would teach you what it really means to be a good mother and if you are fit for an experience like that!!! I know it sounds radical, but if you think about it, in this way a lot of babies would be protected from becoming screwed up adults or who knows what else! I am 33 years old, I am an interior designer, well off in my work and I love my mother, I would do anything for her but inside myself I will never forget her for the damage she caused me! She never showed me affection! Never! Was always critical and never had anything positive to say! I am an adult now, I have a carrier, a social life, a loving boyfriend but inside I feel that I am emotionally screwed up and that's thanks to my mom! Even now, at the age of 33 when I see affection between mothers and daughters, it gets me deeply! No person in this world should have to feel this way and I know there are a lot of people out there who share my experience! I love my mother very much but she shouldn't have brought a child into this world if she was incapable of showing love. I have no doubt that she loves me, in her way of course, but she loves me! But that's no excuse! You cannot bring a child into this world and than say, I'm sorry it's just the way I am and it's the way I love and show love! No, the moment you bring a baby into this world, it's about what's best for that baby and you conform to his needs! It's not about you anymore, and if you are incapable of showing what's inside you then you are not fit to be a mother! A baby needs tons of love, and it never stops! You should never stop loving your child and support him with positivity! My mom like millions of other moms in this world, if they would have taken classes in the school I was mentioning earlier they would have failed miserably! And in this way they would have reconsidered bringing a child into this world and screwing him up emotionally! They would have realized that they are incapable of showing affection and would've gotten a pet instead!
You just put in words all that I had in mind since I had such resentment feelings as a child. Surprisingly my mom had no issues showering loads of affection onto my brother who was born 7 years later than I did....I couldn't help but feel that I was the hated / unwanted / step child (never understood the reason for it though). Not sure about you but both my parents were totally incapable of showing even a minuscule amount of affection towards me. All this nastiness was thankfully compensated by my grandmom, for which I am extremely grateful for having.
Actually pets are affected by not getting any affection or love, they have feelings and emotions just like we do. But what about people who live their children with every fiber of their being, but have difficulties being affectionate? I love my sons but I'm not sure y it's hard for me to be affectionate. I want to be but it feels foreign to me. I'm trying to be better but i don't kno where it comes from or how to deal with it. My mother showed affection to me and my siblings growing up but i feel awkward giving and receiving it. If anyone has any suggestions plz tell me something i don't want to hurt them because i have problems.
My mother wasn't affectionate at all and only really hugged me if she felt my sadness was justified. If not, I would just get berated for it.<br />
My father was more affectionate but I feel that throughout my life, I have always been seeking mother figure types to compensate for the fact that I have never felt truly loved and accepted by my own mother. Hurts me to say that but it's true.
I know how you feel... *Hugs*
They were brought up by parents who were unaffectionate towards them, so they never learnt how to show fondness for someone without feeling uncomfortable.
because they resent them probably, somewhat at least
Some people have kids not because they want them but because they feel obliged to, or they just have no control and have them by accident. Then the children inherent resentment, not because of anything they did, but because they exist at all. Having children unconsciously is one of the nastiest things you can do.
because people come in all shapes and sizes and that goes for their hearts and characters as well... just because people made a baby doesn't make them caring people -- that's really, really, really hard to understand if you happen to be their child
What brought me to this website was a google search "why doesn't my mom show me any affection".<br />
What brought me to do a google search on a topic whose answer I'm not so sure can be easily answered on google was a telephone convo I had with my mom today. Like so many before this one, the conversation was rather dull and loveless-I could probably have gotten more enthusiasm talking to a stranger. All of my life I've always wanted a mother figure who would give me affection and love and attention. I'm sad to say I had to find all of this elsewhere. My dad was definitely more affectionate than my mom, but his bipolar disorder completely destroyed our relationship (I've had to deal with a lot of verbal abuse, and some physical abuse) to the point where we don't speak anymore. I moved away to another state (which was the best life decision I have ever made) and now I think back on the aftermath that is my sad excuse for an upbringing. <br />
Isn't it the saddest thing when you can't remember your mom ever telling you that you're beautiful? Or even for that matter her ever relishing in what kind of daughter she has? When we talk on the phone she always does this weird thing as we say our goodbyes. Like,she pretty much hesitantly utters the words "love you" but it comes out on such stale breath, I don't know if that makes sense. Basically the way she acts toward me and my other brothers lets me know for a FACT that if she could do it all over again she wouldn't have children and she would be much happier.<br />
I have a memory when I was about 10 years old where I was so upset with her for not fulfilling my needs to feel loved that I screamed to my then 3 year old brother "don't worry, as soon as you reach my age, mom won't think you're cute any more and she'll treat you like she treats me". well 15 years later and hindsight allows me to confirm this statement. She is so stolid toward all of us and treats my brothers like she can't wait for them to move out of the house so maybe she can actually fulfill her dream of being child-free.
I have a hard timebeing affectionate with my children after they turn a certain age i guess. I have 4 boys, the oldest 14, 8,6 and 1. I have no problem being affectionate with my baby, but its like im scared to be affectionate with my other children. When they say they love me, i reply with a "i love you too?" as if its a question. Why do i do this? My mother was a cruel mother. As another poster above said she was treated differently, as was i. My siblings all came from the same father. Im the oldest, but from a different father. My mother humiliated me, laughed at me,<br />
If i got hurt she would scream at me. If she hurt herself, it was my fault. I spent alot of my time in my room to get away from her, but then i was cursed and horrible because i didnt like spending time with the family. I did most of the chores. If my sister refused to do her share, i was forced to do it. She was able to go out with friends to the mall, or sleepovers, i was never allowed. I didnt think i was a bad kid. I was really quiet. I suppose being bullied at school didnt help either. I couldnt escape it, home or school, i got it both ways. Perhaps thats why i dont feel love for them? Because i never received love from anybody else? I found my real father at 18, and he told me he thought i died from cancer at 2, but i guess never thought to go to my funeral. Just no love from anyone. I feel like a horrible mother for not showing my children love. I wish i could. I love them dearly, but more and more im finding myself turn into "her". And i hate myself for it! She is no better a grandmother than she was a mother. Only gives affection to the babies, and then seems like once they turn 2, there nit important anymore. My children are getting a taste of what i went through, and its not fair to them. I hate my mother, for what she did, and what shes doing....
My parent's practiced with me Im the oldest of 3 siblings. They were and still are very affectionate with my siblings and treated them/and still treat them the opposite way they treated/treat me, my siblings have noticed this and pointed it out. They only would say I love u when they were leaving me, either for vacation, work etc. I was hit or yelled at every time I would get hurt, falling off bike etc. And while doing homework w/them I would be slapped for every wrong answer this began when I was in kindergarten. They would leave me at my aunt's house & take my younger brother out to eat and to chuck e cheese & they would tell him not to tell me, but I always knew. They stopped holding me when my brother was born, I was 3, so I stopped letting them hold my hand I remember. With me they equated love with shelter & clothing. And when they divorced I was 11 they fought over custody for my brother & sister, & fought over who would have to take me. They never defended me or protected me from others and constantly criticized/humiliated me in private and in public. My parents are very affectionate towards my siblings, but not towards. I do the most in the house and help out the most, good grades etc. And today when they say I love u, I feel nothing its impossible for me to believe them. Other family members and my siblings are very aware of this & have pointed this out to me. I think they project their failing qualities on to me. When I have children I will be the opposite of them. But because of their actions it is impossible for me to "fall in love". I am empty on the inside, high self esteem, focused, determined, over achiever. But as a child I built a defense wall that is now the natural dominant part of me while growing up I thought that was just me. Im just realizing that this is not really me that I have been living with. At the age of 7 I stopped asking them to love me, I stopped wondering why they didnt want me I accepted what they were doing and decided to shut them out and as a child taught myself that I do not need their love nor do I want it. I am very affectionate towards my siblings and we are very close.
You are a survivor! I respect how strong you are and at the same time i know you must be tired of being this strong. I hope you find love soon. Never give up on hope my friend. Im sure you are a lovely person and you deserve so much better :)
My dad was affectionate towards me when I was VERY young, so young that I barely remember it. He called me "Tweety bird" because of my blond hair. Then suddenly everything changed and I do not recall him EVER saying "I love you". When he was diagnosed with leukemia and given a 50/50 chance of living another five years, I told him that I loved him and his response was "I know". :(( That's as affectionate as it ever got.<br />
Why? A documentary I watched said that this was common among German parents in the 1960s and 1970s, so I guess I'll say it was the result of his culture.<br />
It's affect on me? I was a VERY affectionate mother and my adult son and I remain close. I typically see him and his girlfriend at least once a week. :)
My dad apparently was obsessed with me when I was very young, loved me very much. My parents gave me everything I ever wanted, I cannot say they were ba parents but their way of showing love was by clothing me, feeding me and buying me things instead of hugging me or telling me they loved me.
I realised quite young that I could not recall my parents ever saying they loved me or hugging me. Not once. They never showed affection to each other either. I only saw them kiss once which was basically a one second peck at a party. I don't ever remember them showing any sort of affection to one another.
I know they do love me but today at 23 it's undeniable that they definitely screwed me up emotionally. If I ever tried to connect with them emotionally thy would shut down and block it out, leaving me feeling alone and unloved. I'd end up feeling even more alone. I remember at a young age (5-8ish) peeing in my bed on purpose and pretending it was an accident when I'd wake up at night scared and wanting love because it was the only way for me to get attention. If I went in their room id probably just get yelled at so it was my way of getting their attention even if it was negative and only for a few minutes.
This has made me very clingy in relationships with boyfriends. I can't handle emotional rejection very well and I think it's definitely contributed to my low self esteem. When I have kids I am adamant I will always tell them I love them and hug them. My brother was treated the same I was so it definitely wasn't that they didn't like me, they're just very unaffectionate people.
To this day even thinking about it makes me terribly sad. I never realised how weird it was til I observed some of my friends and their parents freely telling each other they loved them and hugging them. It made me feel very awkward about affection at a young age and I think even if my parents did try and hug me I would've recoiled as it was unnatural to me. I think my parents parents probably didn't shower them with love either. My dads father was a soldier and probably was not very loving. He also grew up with three brothers. My mothers mother is affectionate however and she told me my mother has just always been awkward about affection.
Every parent should be aware of the serious long term effects of not hugging your kids and telling them you love them. To this day it hurts me to even think about and has deeply affected my attitudes toward relationships
I wish I knew...my dad gave up rights, my mom..I dont remember her huggin me, sayin I love you...its now been bout 9 yrs now since weve talked...if that says anything.
i am not an adult right now,im just 12 i feel no affection from my mother.i never remember her hugging me after my youngest sister was born. She never has time for us always out of home with friends, she has trust issues even she never has trust on us and if i just ask something from her while she is busy texting she uses slang words for me like ***** etc. i was beaten up hard with a cane because my steps said that i was the one who stole her jewellery i was struck hard with that cane. I was suspended from the school because of my step siblings.
The van driver said that i was the one who beated children in the van when my brother did and i was beaten up. My 2 class exams were going on i remember for one mistake of single "S" i was beaten up.
Because of her friend she took my mobile phone and deactivated my facebook she shows no affection towards me. She litrally forgets my birthday every year ! She remembers about her friends that if i dint go to her she"ll kill me but why dosent she shows affection towards me ? When i see other mothers comming and picking their children from school i feel so good for them i litrally start crying because when im home i dont see her there and she comes home at 1 or 2 when we are asleep so probably i see her at weekends.she just insults me badly infront of everyone public or private both because im fat and ugly as she thinks.i dont have any problems when she check out my mobile phone and texts but this shows she dosent trusts me a 1% even so how can i hope for love. When i just find love outside in friends even if i say i love you she takes it in a relationship way in which we arent allowed to have. I sometimes pray to GOD why is it me only and i get no replies idk why my life sucks.