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Smetimes i love him. Others i want him gone. We have had our ups and downs but I'm hopeful we will sort through them. But even when I'm 'loving him' i cannot relax. I am happier when he is not at home. And dread him coming home. When he is not here i can go about my daily business totally relaxed. Get my housework done, relax when i want and do my college work. When he comes home i turn into idle mode. Its hard to explain but for example if i was on my own and the adverts came on the tv i would get up and do something...check facebook, tidy up etc...but if he is here i just stare into space. I am like a different person and i just cannot feel completely comfortable. I will just sit on the couch like a zombie from the minute he gets home till we go to bed. And i am happy again when he goes to work and dread the weekends when he is off work because i cannot be myself. I don't understand why i am like this because i do love him and have never been happier with anyone, i don't even eat when he is here... I have no appetite. Its like a personality change. I am all bubbly with my friends or home alone but around him at home i just CANNOT RELAX. Whats wrong with me? :(
Xxsammiejoxx Xxsammiejoxx 22-25, F 6 Answers Jan 4, 2013 in Struggles

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Maybe you don't feel good in your relationship anymore. Not something wrong with you personally. Ppl change in a marriage, and then after years go by it's like you don't know your partner anymore, not how he/she used to be. Lots of couples go through that, it's up to you two to do something about it together, or decide it's better to break up, that's entirely up to you both!

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Pls let me know when you have posted details. I can't relax around my partner either and I am very interested in your story/question.

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Details here...

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Who (if anyone) from your past does he remind you of?

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He was absolutely perfect at the start of our relationship. We have been together a year and a half. About 5 years ago i was with a guy who cheated on me so much it got to double figures. Don't ask why i did not leave i was young and stupid and he was my first real relationship. Anyway. He was also abusive on regular occasions and took drugs and finally after 3 years i managed to leave. I got with my current partner and felt like id never felt before. But at the start of our relationship he kissed someone else. I have never forgotten about that but do not use it against him. And on new year we got into an argument about something very personal to me and he said something very nasty and i know i shouldn't have but i slapped him. And he choked me until i couldn't breathe and threw me on the road. I still have cuts and bruises everywhere. He was sorry on the night but since then he has not acted remorseful. The morning after he did it i was slightly moody as expected and he even had the cheek to ask me what my problem was. And since then he has reminded me of my ex. Putting the cheating and violence together. Although this is the first time he has ever done this and i know he is not like this and it was a case of too much alcohol on new year...for both of us. But ive been acting this way for a long time. Not just recently. As i said to someone else it feels like i have a wall up or something and this is just now a trait of mine on how to behave. Obviously I'm not like this around him all of the time. But most of the time i am. Another comment said i don't want to be in the relationship and should leave... But i DO want to be otherwise i would just leave. Not wonder what i could do to change things like i am now, and i cannot simply change my behaviour it is not as simple. I have tried that. Why can you not relax around your partner?

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I understand that when one can't relax around another person, a decision to relax doesn't work. Something else is going on and needs to be addressed. I'll respond to your question about why I can't relax around my partner in a message.

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Okay.

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There are no details and that is why you cannot relax.

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Haha... Sorry... The details are there now.

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What is wrong with you is that YOU do not want to be in this relationship any more and you do not want it to go further ! But it seems that you feel stuck in it and that is just something that you will have to get over so you can end it and move on.

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Thats why i am so confused because i DO want to be in the relationship. Just i feel like i have a wall up against him or something. I cannot explain. Obviously we have times where i am not like that, but most of the time i am. I don't want to end the relationship otherwise that is what i would do. But i don't. That is why i am now wondering why i am like this and what i can do to change it. And saying a simple, stop behaving that way... Is not so easy. Tried that. Its like a trait i have to behave this way. I don't get it.

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No you have it a bit wrong my dear. You want to be in "A" relationship, but NOT this relationship. YOU need to go someplace quiet and think about this situation and really ask yourself honestly, do you want this for the rest of your life?

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The answer to that is no. I don't want THIS for the rest of my life. Bt i do want him. Just not the way it is. All i do is think about it i cannot come to a clear conclusion.

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READ WHAT YOU WROTE !!! i do want him. Just not the way it is. You DON'T want him, You want to CHANGE him. and that is NOT him at all.
You really need to think about this long and hard to get it straight in your head as to what you really want. Simply put if you want HIM, then you have to accept HIM and take HIM as he is. Or You do not really want HIM after all.

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Accept abuse. I don't think so. Even he says he wants to change. I will figure it out one day. Thanks for your advice anyway.

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OK you just stepped into the next realm of WHAT THE F_CK !
If you or any woman sticks around with a man that abuses you, then you deserve it.
I am going to be totally point blank, up front, in your face, HONEST, and ask this, ARE YOU THAT DAMN STUPID? If anyone out on the street beat you would you just go back on the street again for a second beating? HELL NO ! So don't stick with an abuser.
He is a worthless coward that has to make himself feel like a man by abusing a woman.

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Has it happened to you? Cannot speak till you stand in the shoes. I will not make excuses for him but i have said it was out of character and alcohol inflicted and only once. I am not stupid if it happens again...I'm gone. But when you are in that situation your emotions are everywhere. And i started the violence that night. With a slap when he said something extremely close to my heart. So I'm not much better. If we cannot get things on track yes it would be best to part ways but that situation has only happened once. So would like to see if the relationship is repairable first.

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YOU ARE making excuses for it, and YOU ARE covering up for him, and YOU ARE playing right into the good old abusers game of it was YOUR FAULT THAT YOU MADE ME DO IT... So I hope you figure this out and get away before they take you off in a body bag because this is exactly how it happens. Just a one time thing and then before you know it you are missing teeth and clumps of hair and broken bones. Then dead. Go to a womans shelter and ask them if you do not believe me.

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I understand. Its just its hard to see him doing it again as it took him a year and a half to do it and he has never showed any signs of being violent before. But i do fully understand that now he has done it. He could easily do it again. But if he did it twice i would never stay.

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you dint leave any details

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They are there now.

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