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My marriage of 41 years has been in trouble for a long time. No intimacy, control issues and a general disrespect for my feelings and wants. Why did my husband wait until I asked for a divorce to decide he wants to work things out? He is acting interested in having sex after 5 months and he wants to see a marriage counselor? He knew things were not right and he practiced verbal and emotional abuse to keep himself in control. Now that I see the light he wants to be Mr. Nice Guy so I feel guilty for wanting to leave. Any ideas?
reflections3 reflections3 61-65, F 26 Answers Feb 9, 2010

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Please don't take offense to this.<br />
First and foremost, I am sorry you are going through this hard time. That being said: It is impossible for anyone to tell you whats up with him when we only get one side of the story. He might genuinely have seen the light at the thought of truly losing you, or he might be very manipulative. No way to tell. Any advise you get on this could be tremendously flawed as we don't know whats going on inside HIS head.

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Because he is so used to being in control that he didn't take you seriously until you took serious action. I was also in a very emotionally abusive relationship, and it was only until I packed my bags and left that my ex wanted to "change" and work things out...which never happened since I was silly enough to give it a second shot. Trust me, you're better off following your gut feeling on this one.

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Maybe he jsut heard what you were saying..I don't understand your feelings of guilt, unless you stopped talking to him, along time ago. guilt is not a reason to stay together..

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He most probably has realised how little he will have after property settlement and is stalling for a bit.

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Be careful. You say he is controlling and abusive. It sounds like he simply doesn't want to lose control over you. You deserve someone who loves you.

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It's just more of the same to keep you from escaping...<br />
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It's a common theme here, anything to get you to stay, but once you give in... everything will go back to "normal"...<br />
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Don't feel guilty... just tell him it's too little, too late...

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I think this is just a ploy to again gain controll. He is going to keep you one way or another. He knows that the now adays woman would not let him gain controll like you have.

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I have to agree with biggun4u it comes down to what you need to do for you but guilt is never a reason

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I guess he would have "continued" the marriage in the recent state.

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Its hard to know if hes clutching or bluffing, so go for a separation and have counselling then. This way he will have to self motivate to get to the sessions but you will have enough distance to protect yourself. The guilt you have needs to stop. You are not his mother and deserve better treatment. You may however want to save this marriage if change were possible. Just make sure you have a clear exit plan.

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Perhaps he was in denial of how bad things had become for you even though you told him for years. People like the status quo to remain the same when their needs are being met. Now that he knows that you are serious about leaving, he is making some effort.<br />
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Because you are a caring woman, he knows how to make you feel guilty about leaving. Ask yourself where the feelings of guilt are coming from? Is he the kind of man that would follow through with counseling or is this just a ploy? Please remember that people do not change. He is modifying his behavior to keep you but will this last? When a person shows you who they are as he has done in the past, believe them. Hugs and blessings.

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Because reality never sets in for them until its just about over.<br />
Thats when they realize ooh sh** she is going to leave me???<br />
So they will try anything to fix things.<br />
But before this happens they act like yeah yeah what ever.<br />
That is what happen with me exactly<br />
They really are very thick headed

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A day late, a dollar short!

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Considering how much time you've put into the marriage. (And the amount of time it would take to train his replacement if you decided to wanted another) why not hear what the counsellor has to say. It could open both your eyes.

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