Why do I attract abusive men? 6 abusive relationships over 17 years. What am I doing wrong? Please help me understand.

Two books that are worth reading that will probably help you:

The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker

Anything by Genie Sayles including How To Marry Rich

In the DeBecker book, there are some great ways to figure out if a predatory man has targeted you. And some good general information on the mindset of a survivor and how to be safe.

Genie Sayles should really change the name of her book to: How To Find Good Men Safely and How To Be Happy but How To Marry Rich probably sells better. One of her suggestions is that you not ever tell a man about any past unhappy relationship because men tend to allow themselves to treat women they perceive as damaged worse than those they perceive as princesses.

Dr. Phil is right; it is not that you attract such men, it's that predatory men have a way of finding women whose suffer from low self-esteem and lack of confidence. And, of course, each time we are mistreated by someone we care about, our self-image and confidence suffer; it's a vicious cycle. Learn to be happier and more confident, don't tell men about past bad experiences with men, and be aware and alert to possible predators. Those two books will help you do those things.

Don't be down on yourself. That won't help. Just get better at seeing them earlier and do what you can to gain more confidence.

make a list of things you admire about men...........look for that.........instead of bedroom eyes & a sexy swagger ;-)

Sorry to hear about that I think you should spend more time with anyone before moving to a serious relationship. You can meet their colleagues, friends and family to find out what type of man you are dating. It is very important to set a standard and never settle less than what you deserve. I was searching over the net for the same topics and found a link I think you should read it too. here is it... http://www.squidoo. com/how-to-attract-the-right-man

i want to know what you do that makes you end up on attracting abusive men?????

I have gone through the similar thing....every time I went near a man he was abusive, I would get so frusterated, and ticked right off....then shut down for a while,
I finally found a good psychologist, and began working with issues, come from a very violet, abusive back ground, grew up in it, saw my dad beat my mother, my aunts get beat.....I was beat by my husband....the cycle continued with us females in the family.....
My Psychologist explained this to me, not saying it is the same for you, but he explained growing up in such violence against women back ground, thinking this was a normal event in life, I followed suit, thinking it was normal to get beat and **** kicked, and thus kept finding abusive men. the were never like that in the beginning, they are good at their game, smooth talking, tell you everything you want to hear, gain your trust, your heart, then it sets in, and rules you down with fear,
It took me a lot of years of therapy to break the cycle I was raised in, tol earn this was not normal to be in such relationships, and that it was not normal for a man to beat a woman almost to death, that it was not a normal relationship, but very unhealthy and dangerous....so many years of hard work to teach me this was not right, but I had no self worth, he took it all away, so I had to re-build all of that in me...it was hard and alot of work.......
I have a good husband now, he had to pay the price in the beginning for my past fears of being beat, told him right out touch me once and you will regret it kind of thing, he then learned what happened and swore he would never!! he really is not that kind of man, he is a good man, some issues of his own, but a good man in that way.....
Today...i will never let a man rule over me, intimidate me, or try any crap on me, gone right to that defensive scale of things, the fear or a man over ruling me runs deep and hard, now i am NOT saying i am some crazed man hater, so please no comments like that from men!! men have no idea of what it is like for a woman to beat down so hard and so bad to nothing, there is nothing left in her, very little, all her dignity, her humanity is gone, then to rebuild that back in herself, she protects it well with her life....and will not let anyone take that away again!
I have read on here sad to see men have gone through the same thing, have an abusisve wife, gf...sorry to hear that as well, it is the similar thing for them, to have so much taken away, then rebuild that back as we do, and not let anyone take it away to.

Don't pick guys who need fixing up. No fixer-uppers allowed.

I was told by a pychologist years ago when I posed a similar question that I possess certain traits that signal these types of men. Whatever traits I possessed sent a message to abusers that I was an easy mark as NotSeekingHookups stated. The hard part is figuring out what those traits are & changing them. On the same token these types of men (abusers) also, carry very visable traits which you need to become aware of. I'm sure there have been many red flags that you have chosen to ignore. Start listening to your gut instincts & work on your self-esteem, also. You need to get into the mindset that you deserve better thus, it will become easier to pick up on those RED FLAGS before getting emotionally involved with these types of men. You will know what it is that you expect in a relationship & not be tempted to settle for anything less.

Research shows that we look to repeat in our adult relationships what we experienced as children. So if we grew up in an abusive household, it may have been horrible, but somehow meeting someone who is in that general pattern feels familiar, homely somehow, they have something we recognise and relate to. These thoughts are almost always subconscious of course, and all we are aware of is we are drawn to someone with certain personality traits. Also, abusive men are so often charming at first, which helps them get their feet under the table. Its good you are now aware there is something in you seeking out an abusive partner. Once you understand what is going on, you can run in the opposite direction when you meet someone like that. Nothing will change though until you think this through, it may be helpful to have some counselling, its difficult to see the wood for the trees all by ourselves sometimes.

Desperation, lack of confidence, submissiveness, weakness... there are many attributes in a woman, which attract abusive men. They know who they can do it to and who will fight back. They know how to play their cards as well. A predator knows it's prey...

Ask close friends to find out which of your attributes trigger the predators hunting instinct... then try to hide it or get rid of it.

You are being passive in selection of a mate. The agressive males who will hunt you down are often abusive. I would suspect you are attracted to this type. Nice guys are much less agressive.
Listen to a man's actions and not his words. Test them.
Do a little hunting yourself. Find a nice guy. Go where nice guys go and be available.