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gracey153 gracey153 31-35, F 24 Answers Mar 1, 2011

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I saw an episode of Dr Phil once & a lady was asking the exact same thing. He said something that made a LOT of sense. It isn't that you intentionally or unintentionally go for abusive men. It is that abusive men seek you out. Abusers seek out targets that they can abuse. Mostly very nice girls they can easily manipulate. It is the same for any criminal & that's what abusers are, criminals. A mugger seeks out an easy mark etc.



I'm not saying don't be nice. It is a trait that a quality man looks for. deltadon made an excellent point. Think about the things you would like in a man. Think about the qualities that you would like to see in him & you would like to see in any future children.



UPDATE: You mentioned in response to an earlier comment that you had met several in bars. I am sure you learned that is not exactly a place that quality men hang out at..lol. Most of the men I have known over the years who treat a woman badly whether abusive or not used to look for women in bars. It is a real preditor magnet.



You did mention the last one was at work which is better..lol As you see even then their are no sure things but you can learn the warning signs to look out for. Also just to let you know from one "nice guy" many of us tend to be a little shy on approaching women. I'm not saying be aggressive but maybe just strike up a conversation type stuff (just NOT in bars..lol).



Perhaps it would even be a good idea to stay away from relationships for a short time. Get some therapy where you can learn what to look out for & to give yourself time to heal. Then you will be more prepared for a relationship & will be less vulnerable to making a bad choice. Best of luck :-)

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Thankyou for your comments. I think I addressed my issues I had wit my latest ex's behaviour in the right way, namely his excessive jokes about my weight ( him saying I was a 'big' girl when Im tall and slim) and his starting to make 'statements' about my weight that I was concerned about. I told him that I was concerned as to his behaviour and his unhealthy views of what a woman should look like. His reation was to ignore me for three days before I said if you so want to end our relationship that is fine but we have to work together so we need to clear the air. He broke off the relationship and said he 'could not talk to me just yet' .

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Glad it's over. You did the right thing by airing your objections and it's very weak of him not to apologise for something hurtful AND to just not speak to you.

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good for you and well done.

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it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. you acted like an adult and he walked away. he sounds catty. my only concern is you sound a little clinical. i think you could show a little more emotion if you are in a relationship with someone. i dont think it sounds like you did anything wrong.
maybe its not you. you might not have a problem with abusers at all. but the world is still full of losers and people with issues. it wont solve it but i suggest trying to laugh at them and see them in a different way. Don't blame yourself. You must have a pretty thick skin by now. I think you should turn away and leave these people before they have a chance to hurt you.

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Two books that are worth reading that will probably help you:



The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker



Anything by Genie Sayles including How To Marry Rich



In the DeBecker book, there are some great ways to figure out if a predatory man has targeted you. And some good general information on the mindset of a survivor and how to be safe.



Genie Sayles should really change the name of her book to: How To Find Good Men Safely and How To Be Happy but How To Marry Rich probably sells better. One of her suggestions is that you not ever tell a man about any past unhappy relationship because men tend to allow themselves to treat women they perceive as damaged worse than those they perceive as princesses.



Dr. Phil is right; it is not that you attract such men, it's that predatory men have a way of finding women whose suffer from low self-esteem and lack of confidence. And, of course, each time we are mistreated by someone we care about, our self-image and confidence suffer; it's a vicious cycle. Learn to be happier and more confident, don't tell men about past bad experiences with men, and be aware and alert to possible predators. Those two books will help you do those things.



Don't be down on yourself. That won't help. Just get better at seeing them earlier and do what you can to gain more confidence.

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Make an appointment at your local Women's Center for Domestic Violence. You can find your Women's Center for Domestic Violence by contacing your hospital emergency room and asking if they have the telephone number. They have a printed list they keep there of red flags for abusive relationships. You can speak to a counselor there free of charge, and they will help you to understand the warning signs and how to recognize them in people you meet, so that you can cut off the acquaintance quickly if you run into someone like that again. Predators abound in the world, and abusers are predators. They prey on women who project an image of "niceness", who may be willing to put up with their abuse.

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Thankyou

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make a list of things you admire about men...........look for that.........instead of bedroom eyes & a sexy swagger ;-)

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I dont actually date a man for looks, money, status etc. What is important to me is a good heart. There must be something they all have in common but on the surface so different. Completely different looks, financial status, personaltiy even. I know they must have something in common that I cant see but I am at a loss

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You are very wise to be asking this question. The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one and taking responsibility for solving it. I think what you need to do is get into discussions with people who can help you recognize the patterns in your life that make you vulnerable. A professional domestic abuse counselor would be the best person. Another abuse survivor who has a grip on her situation might be another. Conversation is the key. Telling your story with let others help you see your self-sabotaging patterns. Good Luck.

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Sorry to hear about that I think you should spend more time with anyone before moving to a serious relationship. You can meet their colleagues, friends and family to find out what type of man you are dating. It is very important to set a standard and never settle less than what you deserve. I was searching over the net for the same topics and found a link I think you should read it too. here is it... http://www.squidoo. com/how-to-attract-the-right-man



i want to know what you do that makes you end up on attracting abusive men?????

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Maybe the men you meet arent recomended by family and friends, are you finding them in clubs, pubs or chat rooms?

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I have gone through the similar thing....every time I went near a man he was abusive, I would get so frusterated, and ticked right off....then shut down for a while,

I finally found a good psychologist, and began working with issues, come from a very violet, abusive back ground, grew up in it, saw my dad beat my mother, my aunts get beat.....I was beat by my husband....the cycle continued with us females in the family.....

My Psychologist explained this to me, not saying it is the same for you, but he explained growing up in such violence against women back ground, thinking this was a normal event in life, I followed suit, thinking it was normal to get beat and **** kicked, and thus kept finding abusive men. the were never like that in the beginning, they are good at their game, smooth talking, tell you everything you want to hear, gain your trust, your heart, then it sets in, and rules you down with fear,

It took me a lot of years of therapy to break the cycle I was raised in, tol earn this was not normal to be in such relationships, and that it was not normal for a man to beat a woman almost to death, that it was not a normal relationship, but very unhealthy and dangerous....so many years of hard work to teach me this was not right, but I had no self worth, he took it all away, so I had to re-build all of that in me...it was hard and alot of work.......

I have a good husband now, he had to pay the price in the beginning for my past fears of being beat, told him right out touch me once and you will regret it kind of thing, he then learned what happened and swore he would never!! he really is not that kind of man, he is a good man, some issues of his own, but a good man in that way.....

Today...i will never let a man rule over me, intimidate me, or try any crap on me, gone right to that defensive scale of things, the fear or a man over ruling me runs deep and hard, now i am NOT saying i am some crazed man hater, so please no comments like that from men!! men have no idea of what it is like for a woman to beat down so hard and so bad to nothing, there is nothing left in her, very little, all her dignity, her humanity is gone, then to rebuild that back in herself, she protects it well with her life....and will not let anyone take that away again!

I have read on here sad to see men have gone through the same thing, have an abusisve wife, gf...sorry to hear that as well, it is the similar thing for them, to have so much taken away, then rebuild that back as we do, and not let anyone take it away to.

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i cannot directly relate, as i've never tolerated bad behavior in a partner or even in a date. a friend (who is attracted to "bad boys") once congratulated me on making good chices, but it's honeslty not a choice - i just can't feel interested in anyone who exhibits bad temper, unkindness (to anyone), arrogant or judgmental behavior.



wishing you good luck!

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Don't pick guys who need fixing up. No fixer-uppers allowed.

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Be careful. Its difficult trust me i know, seek help if worst comes to worse and by god please keep a "safe" bag if it gets worse, keep in it, spare money, spare car keys, clothes, memories, food and drink spare phone and numbers of parents, close friend, and legal support e.g. refuge. It is important to do this just incase. For the time being if you cannot get out this relationship then please try seek help with counciling, it can really help couples and i wish the absolute best for you in future! If you need any future advice please let me know.

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I was told by a pychologist years ago when I posed a similar question that I possess certain traits that signal these types of men. Whatever traits I possessed sent a message to abusers that I was an easy mark as NotSeekingHookups stated. The hard part is figuring out what those traits are & changing them. On the same token these types of men (abusers) also, carry very visable traits which you need to become aware of. I'm sure there have been many red flags that you have chosen to ignore. Start listening to your gut instincts & work on your self-esteem, also. You need to get into the mindset that you deserve better thus, it will become easier to pick up on those RED FLAGS before getting emotionally involved with these types of men. You will know what it is that you expect in a relationship & not be tempted to settle for anything less.

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Research shows that we look to repeat in our adult relationships what we experienced as children. So if we grew up in an abusive household, it may have been horrible, but somehow meeting someone who is in that general pattern feels familiar, homely somehow, they have something we recognise and relate to. These thoughts are almost always subconscious of course, and all we are aware of is we are drawn to someone with certain personality traits. Also, abusive men are so often charming at first, which helps them get their feet under the table. Its good you are now aware there is something in you seeking out an abusive partner. Once you understand what is going on, you can run in the opposite direction when you meet someone like that. Nothing will change though until you think this through, it may be helpful to have some counselling, its difficult to see the wood for the trees all by ourselves sometimes.

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Thankyou for your comments. My childhood may play a part, although my father was never abusive to my mum, but I thought I had dealt with all my demons. I was so strong when I met my latest ex.

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Try woman. They seem to be a lot more nice then men.

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Desperation, lack of confidence, submissiveness, weakness... there are many attributes in a woman, which attract abusive men. They know who they can do it to and who will fight back. They know how to play their cards as well. A predator knows it's prey...



Ask close friends to find out which of your attributes trigger the predators hunting instinct... then try to hide it or get rid of it.

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Thankyou for your comments. I think it would be a good idea to talk to my friends again about this. I did ask one friend about a year ago and she said I was a very open person.

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Questions like this may be the problem. Perhaps you are broken and vulnerable. These things are red flags to healthy people, and attractive to predators. The cure would be assertiveness or self-confidence.



I don't know you of course, this is a theory. But what you have experienced is not uncommon, there must be something real to it. Or perhaps all men are potentially abusive, if you let them become it. This is not blaming you, just trying to help. On behalf of my gender I apologize for the last six.

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Thankyou for your comments. I know in the past I have had problems with low self esteem and was particularly vulnerable for around 10 of the 17 years but I am at a loss to explain the reasons for the latest ex. I enjoy my life, I am studying for a degree and my self esteem is fairly high and I do come across confident.

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You are being passive in selection of a mate. The agressive males who will hunt you down are often abusive. I would suspect you are attracted to this type. Nice guys are much less agressive.

Listen to a man's actions and not his words. Test them.

Do a little hunting yourself. Find a nice guy. Go where nice guys go and be available.

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Yes, I have to admit I do wait for a man to approach and pursue me . Where do nice guys go?? I have met my earlier ex's in bars but the last one I met at work after getting to know him for 6 months. He did not approach me too aggressively

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Six, wow, I'm so sorry for that. I sincerely hope you find gentle love, and soon. This is a good article. http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_9_54/ai_54979468/





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good luck.

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Thankyou

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