I feel like I am a good person. I am a soon-to-be stepmom and, like most women marrying men who are divorced, I absolutely hate the biomom. Shes a horrible, horrible person and is even under investigation for child abuse. We don't have full custody of his son, though, and until we can afford to take her back to court it is a constant struggle to get visitation because she moved very far away. My fiance is miserable a lot missing his son... now here is the problem. Sometimes my hatred for the biomom and the way she still is able to negatively affect my fiance sometimes makes me resent the son. I know thats a horrible, horrible thing to think but sometimes I have to fight the urge to want to place blame on him for existing! Am I just trying to relocate my anger onto him because there is no one to really blame in a situation like this? Has anyone else thought that awful statement "None of this would have happened if you had never happened?"
sourapples1988 sourapples1988 22-25 5 Answers Nov 14, 2008

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wow- I am not meaning to judge, but I sure hope you deal with this issue before you marry your fiance. This boy came into his life way before you did and if you can't give him unconditional love your marriage is already in trouble.

This situation is challenging you to take a good look at yourself and see the depth of your own character and the lack of it. If I were you I would see a counselor just for yourself to talk it over, and to work on yourself so that you can love both this man and his son. Life is always going to have tough moments and all relationships and interactions are a challenge in certain ways. This child needs to know he can trust you and will not be judged by you even if there are aspects to his personality or behavior you do not like- even if he acts offensively! Kids need strong role models in their lives.

Good luck!


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Well, honey I hate to put it to you but you just gonna have to deal with the situation until things get better and quit blaming folks for things that happen. Maybe the "biomom" had to move for a job? Or maybe she just plain hated her place of residence. Or maybe she really did move just to spite you guys. But either way, it is what it is, and there isn't a whole lot you can do about it other than either get over it or find someone who doesn't have kids. Good luck with that one...

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Probably because having those thoughts and feelings is selfish. But, everybody has them. It's hardwired in. It's pretty much natural. You want the best life you can, and naturally want the same for other people who mean alot to you. However, I'd be wary of saying any of this to your boyfrend. Not that you shouldn't be honest, but, he might resent you for feeling this way. Also, to help you stop feeling and thinking this kind of stuff, just remember, someone is to blame. The horrible, horrible "biomom" (Is that like a cyborg?). You can control how you behave, why can't she? She might be able to be little more cooperative. So don't hate on the kid. It truly isn't his fault. He's a minor. It's not like he has a choice. And concentrate your negative emotions and thoughts on one who does deserve them.

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I think yours is a natural and common problem. As long as you say to yourself that the son is not responsible for his wicked mother and try to prove it you will be okay. Don't worry too much about your thoughts, just work on them and by all means be nice to the stepson when he visits. My first wife was a very wicked person (on drugs and very promiscuous) I never talked badly about her to my children - It is natural for children to love their mother, even if she is mean. My kids are adults now - My daughter sees me daily and my son, who lives out of town sees me when he comes down. They hardly ever (once every year or so) visit their natural mother.

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Well, I've not felt that myself but you are displacing those thoughts and stresses and taking them out on someone, like you said, that's the nearest person....

Unfortunately that happens quite a lot. What would I recommend? Well, have a look at Gestalt therapy. The long and short of it is that you argue your points to an empty chair....visualising the 'other person' there. Then you can sit in that chair and put the reply back (as her)... What you are actually doing is having an internal diaglogue.....talking things through with yourself.

It really does. Obviously you need someplace safe and secure (free from interruptions) if you try yourself. The 'safer' you feel the more 'honest' you will be to yourself....

Of course you can see a counsellor if you can afford it to....

Best of luck hun....

Sammy Jo Duponte xxx

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