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My boyfriend of six months tries to control every aspect of our relationship, including when we make love. He never wants to make love when I initiate. If we have a disagreement, he tells me I'm wrong, and says he needs time to "think." This leaves me feeling confused and hurt. When I try to get him to communicate his feelings, he totally shuts down. I am considering ending this relationship, but I am in love with him. Your thoughts, please...
Silvermane1516 Silvermane1516 56-60 21 Answers Nov 12, 2011

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Insecurity, I guess. Sometimes its their religious upbringing. They are usually guys who can't handle the unknown and life is full of unknowns. They are brought up to believe that they can actually control everything...they probably had very little experience with nature. Change and uncertainty frightens them and they overcompensate by controlling their immediate environment, which unfortunately, includes you. It is very unlikely that he is going to change at his age. Most guys would not refuse a woman when she initiates sex, they usually welcome it. That is a red flag right there. It could be that you are not the only woman in his life too. Sometimes a guy will control the stable woman in his life and look for more spontaneous activity with other women. At any rate, it does not look likely that you are going to have a satisfactory relationship with this man. I would consider leaving and looking for someone who appreciates you as you are instead of trying to control and change you.

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we men are not to smart when it comes to relationships

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that is not necessarily true, not all men are dumb when it comes to relationships

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most are at least the ones i ynow

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you?

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I think men are not accustomed to expressing themselves emotionally.

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i am one

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yep if men could talk about things instead of keeping it to themsevles, then us women would not have to gusse at what they are thinking...

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Speak for yourself.

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Sounds like a control freak. Women can be the same way with men too. I think if you can live like that and you love him enough to accept all his flaws then stay. But if you don't see yourself like this in a couple years, you should go.

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yes your so rght there, I have seen a lot of women be control freaks, i hear them at work all the time, some treat men like children, just because they are married or what not, and yes, you have to be able to accept each other's flaws, and work them out to the part of your lives, or no it will not work.

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a lot of men like power and control, they are the a-holes of the world...

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For the same reason women try to control men in relationships - insecurity.

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not always!

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Insecurity breeds fear. I do that sometimes when I feel I'm not in control.

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...and power. In the person's case who asked this question, she admits loving him despite the horrible treatment. Manipulation at its best and it has worked. She needs to end it for her own happiness. Women are just as bad as men with this, but in different ways as our sexes respond differently to each other.

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I agree completely!

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Men try to control everything. Not just women. Don't waste time trying to figure out "WHY" just try to find some way to cope with their contolling tendencies.

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I think it is imprtant to find out where it comes from, then you can understand it better, and work with it, to try and help them not be that way so much, and help change, alot of them do not evern realize they are even like that, to help them recognize they are would be more helpful, and room for change

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They want to be that way!!!

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You can't change a man (or a woman). Please don't advise her down that path of misery. She recognized the controlling person who he is. She has a choice to live with it or leave it. I am not usually so black & white on things, but on this topic I have seen far too many people hurt trying to make their partner into something he/she is not.

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I couldn't agree more. We can only change ourselves (hopefully for the better) and for those who choose to not improve, well, that's their choice.

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I do think you may be involved with an emotionally abusive man. If you are not happy then you need to end this relationship. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse. Please trust me. Love should feel empowering and free. You should feel better about yourself and the world if you are with a good guy. I believe you should end it and find someone who is worthy of your love.

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Dear gumshoejane2,
Thank you so much for your candid and thoughtful reply. I suspected he could be emotionally abusive, but I was in deep denial. I am fighting every day not to pick up the phone and call him. (It's now been four days since he "left," saying he needed time to "think.") I'm having a difficult time concentrating, because all I can think about is how he has left me in limbo. Also, he left several of his (very expensive) personal effects in my apartment, and I'm struggling with what I should do with them. He has asked, on least 3 occasions, to move in with me, to which I said, "absolutely not." I know that I am a good person who is not deserving of poor treatment, but what bothers me most right now is that there has been no "official closure." I don't know what my next move should be.

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You are so very welcome, it was my pleasure. You are a very brave and intelligent woman and you are doing the absolute right thing in not contacting him. I would suggest not calling, texting or seeing him. He tells you he has thinking to do hey? All that means is that he is hoping you will come running after him, begging him to return. Wait for him to initiate contact with you and when he does tell him you have also been thinking and that you have decided to end it. Be very firm and curt with him, do not allow him to play on your sympathies, and please do not agree to see him again. As far as his stuff goes, try to arrange for a friend to drop them off at his place.
You are very brave and are likely saving yourself from a future filled with pain and disappointment. Love will come again, you will be ok. Your soul mate is waiting for you. Bless your heart and good luck! I am here for you if you need support or advice.
Take care, Jane

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That is so very right SoulCaliber," controlling behavior easily slides into abusive behavior"...I love it! Very well said.

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Thank you, again, Jane, for your heartfelt comments. I definitely will take your advice and wait for him to contact me. This is so hard for me because I have been a "softy" for most of my adult life. At this point, however, I know it is time for me to toughen up and rid myself of this emotional leech who claims to love me. I did not sign up for this! I must admit here, that I am indeed waiting for the day when he contacts me, so I can let him have it. However, the cowardly manner in which he chose to "time-out" makes me wonder if he EVER will contact me again. What do I do with his "stuff" then? (I realize I am thinking too far ahead here by posing this question which, by the way, only fuels my frustration and anger. BUT, I WANT TO LET HIM KNOW THAT I AM DONE!) Once again, Jane, thank you for your support and advice.

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Hello again Silvermane!
There is a very good chance he will contact you again, in fact right now he is likely going crazy wondering why you are not running after him and begging to get him back ( yes guys can not stand to be rejected.)
If however you have not heard from him in say 4 weeks then for sure the relationship is over and you can do what ever you want with his stuff. If he does not contact you, then it is done. He knows it and you know it. Count yourself lucky and move on to someone worthy of your precious, awesome self. If he does contact you and Im sure he will then you get to dump his *** and move on, either way you get to lose the loser and open yourself up so your true soulmate can find you.
Take care, jane

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You can't name the title men and then you're just talking about your boyfriend.<br />
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Do not place other men in the category when the problem is, you give reigns to a man. You allow yourself to be dominated. The only control a person has over you is what YOU give them. <br />
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So if you love him then you must be satisfied with the treatment. Because you can find a love that is of equal balance but you must ask yourself is that what you truly want.<br />
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I have heard this before. A woman complains of a man dominating. Leaves him. Meets the man she has described as the man of her dreams, only to return back to the dominating boyfriend. So be honest with yourself. It's ok. If you two are having an argument, it will work out.<br />
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But to just lump all men into one category because you ALLOW them to do it to you, then that's no ones fault but your own.

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many men are not controling in the beginning... its just after a while they seem to act like its their right to control the female

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The only control men can have is what the female has decided to give.

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I can relate your situation oh so well....<br />
he probably came from a family where Dad was the same, controlled everything, and dad was probably raised the same way, these kinds of men are taught they are the ones who "takes care" of everything, they were taught it from their fathers and so forth...I come from a long line of family men like that, a father who did it to my mother, he was taught that way by his father, to them it is only natural, they do see it a wrong, they do not know any different, they werw raised like that...my husband is the same way, his father was old school and the same way...so my husband has done the same thing...he is the man, and he controls it all, he knows nothing different, we struggle the same, and yes i have thought to about leaving, I have brought this up to him a few times, and he did not even realize how controling he was, he is getting better, it is a big change for him not to control everything, but again, if they are raised like this, this see nothing wrong with it, and know no different, in this situation, <br />
other situations, it could be a insecurity, they need to have the control to make them feel secure, they have lost so much in their previous lives, so they need to control their future one, fear of losing it, again not realizing they are hurting, they know no different, sometmes too much loss to a man makes them feel insecure, not quite like a man, it is a hard thing for them on both sides

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We like to be the alpha, were almost always block out the emotion, but it sounds like he may have some intimacy issues, try to work around it without mentioning it too much

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your very right..it is very "natural" for the men to be the alpha's...they are not used to being any different, look back in the day...men ran everything, so it is a big adjustment for some not to be totally "alpha"

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Women do the same things for the same reasons, mistrust, or trying to perfect your partner if who your with isn't good enough, find someone who better suites your needs simple right relationships are supposed to better quality of life not turn it to hell idk why ppl drag themselves thru **** for love because in reality there is always something better!

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My relationship of four years ended several months, not by me but my ex. When I did research on narcissistic personalities, I realized he had all of the traits mentioned in the article. He withdrew affections and anything I wanted to control and manipulate my behavior. Even knowing this about him, I found it hard to break free. I prayed about it and finally he broke up with me because he did not get what he wanted from me ( money, gifts and praise, etc). I still feel drawn to him at times but I know this was an unhealthy relationship and it is best that I not be in it. Get out as soon as you can.

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Give it a shot and just let him pull his thoughts together. When your trying to get him to discuss his feelings never say you. Always start off saying when this happens I feel this way. When you start saying " you" you make him feel like your blaming him or putting him down in some way and men have eagles that are hard to mend once they've been broken. Not to mention we as women should stroke our men's eagle every now and again. Now if the situations get out off control or where your becoming down and start blaming yourself I would do what you feel is best for yourself.

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I have been in a relationship with a man for almost two years. Last November he recieved a nude picture from a girl he worked with, then proceeded to play a whole bunch of mind games with me, and after that kept lying to me about what he was doing<br />
he signed up for justhookup.com, then he tells me that I need to do all of these things to fix our relationship? I'm relatively confused. He said the website was just a fantasy thing, but he was very desc<x>riptive in what he said to other women and knew exactly what he wanted, even went as far as to say he was single. Any suggestions, he works at a convenient store and gets mad if you ask him to better himself.

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In any team/community, especially families, the males are assumed to be the leaders. "With great power comes great responsibility" once said the comic writer Stan Lee. Most humans do not realize this simple truth. I would add to this that most teams operate most efficiently with a leader.

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a man should never just "assume" he is the leader in a relationship. &amp; a relationship isn't a team, it's a PARTNERSHIP.
just because a woman is in a relationship, it shouldn't mean she has to give up her freedom &amp; be treated like a child. some women are ok with this, but i think you'll find yourself very lonely if you're always trying to dominate them.

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why men control women is so they have the women how they want her where she cant do any thing with out them saying yes and that women cant do what they want and that the men exept us to do what they say and when they say and its sorry when men are controlling like that

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