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how do i make that connection? even if there feels a connection, noone comes back to talk first to me. im too nice and i talk a lot, even when not needed, when i feel a connection, but they dont seem to be interested anyway. should i back off and maintain a distance right from the start? i donot know what to do. ive not interacted much with people growing up, so i donot know where im going wrong. people either think im quiet or too clingy, but they dont seem to feel anything magnetic about me. infact, they think im weak or an easily intimidated person. i come across as a soft person. maybe, i shouldnt open myself up that much and should try to let friendship grow naturally by being the quiet myself that i really am. infact, i love keeping distance.
newmsuv newmsuv 26-30, F 5 Answers Oct 30, 2011

Your Response


You're not "too nice", nor "soft". On the contrary. As much as You're a nice person inside, on the outside the amount of distance You protect Yourself with is huge. You're being overly "ambitious"/"competing" and thus aren't able to just stop thinking and judging Yourself (and by unspoken extension also others, which might come of as judgmentalism bordering on arrogance) and just simply BE and have fun. You're trying too much to prove something to Yourself, Your parents, whomever. I sense a lot of anger due to social fears, guilt, shame and this fear of being "normal" (instead of extraordinary and "special"). This makes You behave in a tense, nervous way, sometimes to the point of some hostility and You're so deep in those issues, that no matter how much advice someone gives You about it, You seem to be stuck and not listening. Instead of dealing with emotions and changing Your core, You are trying to keep the unhealthy core and get Your way out of it through logic that is ba<x>sed on false asumptions. But that is pointless. I know cause I've done that.<br />
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Once You stop caring about where You are in the social hierarchy, is someone proud of You (Your boss, parents, colleagues, whomever), "are You a valuable person", does this person like You or are You attractive/popular/smart/funny/interesting and words like that, it'll go better. Just give up on trying to be . But for that You'll need to let go and understand that whatever You do is totally OK. What You need is to fight Your anxieties on an emotional level, not trying to find an intelectual solution. There is no good way to do anything, no right thing to say, no right way to behave towards people, no right values that You need to adhere to.<br />
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From what I notice is that right now You need to stop overintelectualizing stuff and just face Your worst fears and accept them. Stop doing everything - cause I feel You are so much struggling to "do something" in order to run away from Yourself with all the outside business.<br />
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When You start solving Your inner issues, You will change, even things You will say will change and people will react to it automatically. Don't search for outside solutions or intelectual techniques to make others like You or want talking to You. Just solve Your fears, issues, let go and the rest will happen by itself.

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I don't think you've helped me in any way by answering this question. You made me feel worse and feel confused. I am not trying to impress anyone, I was just stating my problem here based upon certain experiences that I have gone through recently. I donot want to discuss anymore but all I will say is that it is very easy to point out someone's problems, but you have to be in their shoes to actually understand them. When that understanding exists, things click and friendships form for life. When we were friends, you always advised me and you had to be right all the time.You never accepted what I said and after a while it started getting on my nerves. I think I was friends with you only because you advised me, there was never anything of common interest. I got addicted, attached to you for emotional needs. I donot think there were many times when you have appreciated me or complemented me. This is unfortunate. But, I thank you for everything and also for answering this question here.

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You know. A friend is not a person who says the things that make You feel good all the time, but the one that tries to solve the problem, even if the realisation of some truths makes You feel worse for a while. And even if what helps will make You dislike that person.
I'm the type of person who prefers to solve people's problems according to my own experience with my very serious problems of a similar nature that I used to have not very long ago, rather than just making them feel good about every single aspect of their personality. I've also had the same issues as You did and I know that it's impossible to solve such issues without feeling worse and confused for a while.
Obviously You've been on EP for months and despite many people talking to You and advising You, You still add very similar questions and stories that revert to the same problem all the time, which means You are not hearing the messages. You're stuck. And when You're stuck You don't keep doing the same thing over and over again. In order to have different results, You need to change the methods. And I sincerely tell You, knowing lots of the stories You have written, things You said, before You change Your life, You will have to make realisations that will hurt emotionally... A LOT. There's no way around it. And running away from it into the comfort of people who pat You on Your back and only tell You You're perfect and that only others are BAD and rejecting everyone that says something that displeases You and makes You feel worse about Yourself for a while, will not make You reach Your destination.
I'm not really interested in You liking me for the things I say. I prefer if You have some introspection, change the approach. I don't really have enough emotional capacity and time (cause I've already got my own problems and other people to help) to guide You softly through everything over months, possibly years of changes in Your core self that I believe You'll need to make. You'll need to find some boyfriend who will love You so much He'll be able to softly take care of You (if You even allow anyone to get close to You enough without rejecting) or some super friend that will have time and patience. I'm currently to overwhelmed with multiple other things to be able to help You in a more complex way. I can only say these few (possibly harsh, but not meant to insult or make You worse in the long run) words every now and then. And many times people will move away from You for that reason, that they are just to overwhelmed with their current lives to put enough energy to pass through the wall You have surrounded Yourself with. (as I did in the past) Cause You both require and demand a lot of attention from someone and You'll need to find that someone that will support You 24/7 or just understand what is the actual source of Your social phobias.
I don't think You're a bad person or anything, indeed I like the You that is inside You, I bet You're a sweet girl, when You finally relax and allow someone through Your wall. Unfortunately the only advice I can offer You requires You to have some painful realisations, can be harsh and You seem to take it personally instead of trying to think them through. Which is why I don't feel like You are open to any actual constructive criticism, at least from me, and therefore I can just hope You find that loving boyfriend or that friend who is willing to very patiently and softly, over months, possibly years to guide You through everything. =) You just need to let someone in.

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As a third party looking in I have to say I can see where you are coming from on this subject. I used to do this same thing where I would be more outgoing trying to satisfy and be a people pleaser. I would feel emotionally drained after too much interaction. I would actually feel relieved to get away to my home and not have to worry if someone is there. Honestly I still struggle with this doozy... sometimes it seems hard to just be..

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Hi! I just saw your guys conversation and had something to say even though its been a year lol happy 2012! Yeah so I wanted to say I can see where blue is coming from, but I also understand that not all people have the same problem. I think if you were feeling emotionally drained then it would be that your trying too hard. Like what I experienced when I was trying to be someone not me. If you are charged with emotion it could be that you are easily impressed and that turns a lot of people off. I however dont think its a bad thing, I am easily impressed as well. Whatever is causing your difficulty to make friends... consider it a blessing! Shallow people judge quickly, its good to steer them away from you. Less drama for sure! Dont stop living like every moment you will succeed. Always try, always move forward, always have hope. A second lost to fear, sadness, doubt, etc is a second always lost. Love the friends who see you for who you are.. they are the ones who matter :)

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