sounds to me like your husband is the one who is interfering in your relationship.
Interestingly, I feel as though I am interfering in your relationship just by answering this:
What happened in counseling? Are you still going? If not, then perhaps that wasn't the counselor for you.
A very frank conversation should occur - if he is interested in communicating with you then he needs to do that otherwise he may lose you. You may need to say something to that effect. A relationship cannot stand with only one person holding it up. You both need to make an effort. Word of unsolicited advice: with guys, they generally hate being the problem and like being part of a solution. Asking him for help will go a lot further than calling him out on his behavior (which he will defend vehemently.)
It may lead in a direction where you don't want it to go, but it is better to know where things are heading than be disconnected from reality.
UPDATED: "That would be my life for the last several years. I love this man and have invested a lot of my life into him and our family. Again it just seems so stupid to throw it all away over things that can be overcome and some that already have been."
I guess you have to reconcile the want to keep everything together the way it is with the strain you are under to do so. If he is starting to "check out" and is not really willing to work on it, how long can you hold out. And is that how you want to spend your life? Having been in a eerily similar circumstance myself, I am hesitant to say anything more about it.
i think your husband interferes in the relationship, particularly if he focussed on his internet friend.
Well, if I understand this correctly, this other woman is not so much interfering in your relationship as she is simply having a relationship with someone who happens to be your husband. In other words, it's not her, it's him.
About all you can do is sit down with your husband and talk to each other about how you really feel about everything, with the idea that it's ok to speak openly and honestly, without recriminations, something I bet neither of you have done before.