Resolved Question

I have been with my now ex husband for 14 years and it has been a nightmare. Control, violence, aggression, emotional torment, game playing etc. I want to know why they feel they have to be like that with the person they claim to love.

Oh you mean, men *and* women? Or just men?

Here's the explanation on games that won't immediately make you happy but will offer you a deeper understanding: everyone plays games. Everyone. The word "game" has a horrible connotation in relationships and do you know why? Because people take them wayy too seriously. I know it su(ks to be hurt - but pain is part of life, love and everything worth living for. It's in the nature of the game. Very few people "play games" for the purpose of hurting other people. They are merely looking to avoid hurt themselves. Fear of rejection, competition, disloyalty and loss of control are all reasons why people "play games". It's just called the "I Don't Want to Lose" game. People who complain about other people who play this game are playing their own game called the, "I Don't Want to Get Screwed Again" game. Games are merely strategies. In relationships, there are fun games, like sex and flirting. There are painful games, like the ones I mentioned. Both are strategies to achieve a goal. Either you want to be in love, or you don't want to be hurt. Both are strategies, and you can't play them both at the same time because one will screw the other.

So in summary, sorry to say it isn't just a man thing, and the "victim" also is playing for control. Even when they say, "Men always ____", and "Im tired of playing games" - this is a strategy for control. You want to control the game.

If you understand this, you will understand why everyone plays games, it won't seem so malicious to you, and you will see alot of your own tendencies that actually serve to attract the very people who frustrate you.