darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 9 Answers Jul 21, 2011

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hi... i have been doing this for the last 2 years.... i was married at 23 and pregnant with my son who's now 8. 3 weeks after his birth in 2004 i was diagnosed with hodgkins lymphoma and started chemotherapy and radiotherapy. shortly after i started treatment my husband started verbally, mentally, sexually and physically abusing me after which he left..i started hitting myself in the head and face everytime i felt low, frustrated or upset even though i hated him doing it to me...i eventually had a long period of not hitting myself anymore.... however i have since lapsed and find comfort in calling myself horrible names and hitting my face to the point which my hand hurts.... im in a new marriage however very very alone.... my husband is busy most days and nights and only really has time to eat and sleep... if he does have time off he tends to want to be away from me which i find very upsetting however do not want pressure and constant arguments... so when i have a silent cry which is often i tend to hit myself too... what can i do for help?? i feel ashamed to go to my doctor... need to grow up and be a 32 year old...

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cause their retarded.

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i scratch at my face, smash my head into walls, allo sorts of stuff. i do it because i feel like im going to die, when i get really anxious or frustrated , thats what happens. its the scariest thing, for the person seeing it, and doing, its a horrible habit, and needs to be analyzed. mostly it comes from trauma

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they dont want to lash out at anyone else they hit themselves instead.

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you said it..frustration..severe and chronic frustration can make persons even commit suicide! Be aware and careful

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They feel that they are to blame for things and do not like themselves at all. They need therapy. My aunt used to do that. I never saw her, but my Grandmother did.

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I often beat myself up to the point of pretty bad injuries. I am embarrassed to go to the doctor also because I feel so stupid afterwards.. But at the moment? It almost feels like a release of badness? It makes no sense. I cant even understand it myself. I sometimes cut myself to. I cant understand why, other than I feel like Im not good enough to have anything.. Much less children that love me and hate to see what Mama has done to herself again. I have started telling them lies about how I got hurt or cut to make them think it was an accident. I have alot of problems as far as mentally. PTSD.. Depression.. OCD.. Adult ADHD.. and a few more "Labels." I really want to stop this madness. It is affecting every aspect of my life. After I do something to hurt myself.. I cant get out.. I sure cant tell anyone what I have done.. I feel trapped in my own head. If anyone knows of a medication that treats this kind of thing?.. Please post it. I am getting to old to be doing this crap anymore. One day I will end up cutting a little to deep or hit my head a little to hard and it will end up costing me more than a headache or stitches. I dont want to go out like this.

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Dear UselessDeedee:

I understand. Truly. That said, we both know a couple of things:

1) hitting yourself to the point of injury can only make things worse, and 2) there is something wrong about telling ourselves that we are without worth. I happen to be a Christian, so I believe that God sees something in me. When I am down, I remember the 43rd Chapter of Isaiah where God says, "In my eyes, you are precious, honored, and loved." That has been a tremendously helpful bit of scripture in my life and I hope that you will be able to embrace it.

The reason that I found this site was that I wanted to hit my head just now and I typed "Why do people hit themselves on the head?" into Google. When I saw your post, I understood your feelings - and so I hope that what I am about to write will encourage you to seek counseling.

It so happens that I also have an 8-year-old son. I am married to the best woman in the world. She's just about a Saint, but a lot more fun. She is just wonderful - I have been blessed way-beyond anything that I could have hoped to receive... so here's the point: nobody deserves the kind of first marriage that you had. You are a precious child of God who deserves respect from that fact alone. (The person to whom you were married has a self-hatred that he is misdirecting with destructive effect.) I am also a precious child of God who deserves respect, but I have done the head-beating thing (to a lesser extent). I think that all of this is on US. Your first husband is unqualified to judge anything, frankly, so you can't let him define you. YOU are the one who is letting him define you. For my part, I need to figure out why I have these feelings that are essentially unrelated to my surroundings and why I let them define ME.

I am actually doing a lot better than I used to. I have been going to a counselor and I also take medications for depression. You see, medicine clearly doesn't make me constantly cheery, but it does help a lot. I know that it can be expensive, but if there is any way you can do it, you have an 8-year old who needs a mother who values her own life because he will look to you as he goes about assessing his own. It's not about whether you or I are ashamed about going to a doctor. You have to discover the precious person that God has created within yourself so the he will be able to believe you when you tell him that he is precious, honored, and loved.

By not going to a doctor, you are simply making your situation more difficult than it has to be and you are depriving your son of a mother who can model the happiness that God has for us even in the midst of really lousy situations.

Please tell those voices that say that you are worthless to shove off and please stop coming up with names like uselessdeedee. Don't be melodramatic. People need you. You have much to give.

Anyway, I will pray for you and your family. Peace to you, my sister. Just remember that you are precio

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