They make up lies about me and he believes every word. He never bothers to ask me what happened. He just gets furious, yells at me, gathers his kids up and leaves the house. Most of the time, taking them shopping or out to dinner, as if he's rewarding them. I never keep anything from him. It's mostly about his kids not doing what I ask or them doing something they're not supposed to do. Ex: My stepson backtalks me constantly and yells at me. If I tell my husband, he gets mad. Last week, I didn't tell him and he knew something was wrong. He was mad at me for not telling him what was bothering me and when I finally told him, he was mad because it involved his kids. 99% of the time, when they tell him a lie, he doesn't even want to hear my side. Most of the time, I don't find out about their lies until weeks later, when he's mad about something else and brings it up. Just want to add that 2 of the children are under the age of 10 and 1 is a teenager. They live with us and very, very, rarely see their mother.
hharleygal hharleygal 36-40 14 Answers Dec 17, 2008

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dont just get out of the house get him out of your life...........he is not going to change anytime soon and his kids know it.................been there done that and I will never do it again.

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I say, he gets mad and beleives his kids over you because he dosn't want to lose them by not supporting them. You, he can blame you, because you never leave. If he does it again, wait until he storms out. Then pack your things and leave. Don't go forever, im not telling you to leave him. Show him he could lose you, when you come back, he may get mad. If he does, leave again. He's afraid of loosing his kids, he needs to know he could lose you to. It may break your heart, but if he dosn't realize, perhaps, he dosn't deserve you, show him.

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Blood is thicker than water ..... he has known his kids longer and if you two have them most of the time he is probably very protective of them regardless who is at fault in any given situation..... you will never win ...... and unless you love the feeling of being less important you should get out of that situation will never be appreciated for trying to do what is right ....seen it a million times if the priority to him is his kids being pampered and not taught right from wrong you will never get respect ......

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I've been in a similar situation, except for I was the kid. And I felt like my stepmom was always believed before me. I think what you should do depends a lot on details you didn't include. For example, if the kids are teenagers, they may never obey you, regardless of what your husband does. My stepmom still has problems with my teenage younger sister, and she has been living with us for over 10 years (I don't "obey" my parents anymore since I am 20 and don't live at home). If the children are younger, it is more likely that they would listen to you if you had your husbands support.

Also, if the kids mother is still in their life they just might not need a third parent (I think this was my families problem). My stepmom just had to realize that we already had two parents telling us what to do and so parenting just wasn't her role.

It sounds like you need to talk to your husband. Does he think of you as their parent (if he doesn't that might explain his actions) and if he does is he willing to support you? You also might want to talk about the trust between you. If he believes them does that mean he thinks you are lying to him? I agree with others though that you shouldn't blame the kids in these conversations, because it does sound like that would just make him defensive.

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he'd probably feels guilty if he didnt chose them over u...maybe ur kids like sort of brainwashed him not to believe u...and he's stuck in between....maybe you guys need to just sit down and talk or put a hidden camera somewhere so that you have visual proof.....good luck with everything hope it helps

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This karma stuff...come on....Sometimes, a very nice, sweet person can come across a jerk, who treats her horribly, because of his own issues, not because she has somehow brought it upon herself. Sigh.

hharleygal....I am not sure how long you've been married, but if it's pretty recent, you could be going through a time of adjustment....the problem is, your husband is not setting any boundaries for your kids, when it comes to you....

Have you guys tried counseling, or is he opposed to it? I would recommend you going, even if it's alone, to have an unbiased person help you work through this issue....

Your husband can set the kids straight, without feeling like he's "picking you over them"....which a lot of parents have problems with, in a new marriage...

It's obvious that your husband doesn't respect your position, or your feelings....and without respect, how can you go on? If he is not willing to work on this, so that everyone is happy, (not just his we're going to cause trouble for dad and his wife kids) then I would say you should count your losses, and be on your way....otherwise, you are just going to be internalizing this mess, and become physically, if not psychologically sick....

Good luck to you.

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The problem HAS to be karmic... but having said that, what can you do about it? Apart from finding someone who can unravel the karma so you can understand it and defuse it?

The first thought that comes to me is to have a calm but serious talk to your husband alone, telling him what you see is going on and asking for his cooperation; but it seems that ANYTHING you say provokes a row. In that case (bar what I mentioned in my first paragraph), really all you can do is to recognise that you got a bummer of a husband and leave, otherwise constant rows and opposition will degrade your health.

However, be aware that karma will repeat until it is resolved; so another relationship - should you enter one - could turn out similarly. Unless, of course, the action of removing yourself from the situation, with all its costs and consequences, is enough to balance the karma "by experiencing it". Sorry for the "bad news"!

See how you feel about it in your heart - you have the final decision regarding your future... And best wishes with it.

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After my separation with x-partner, we went for 2 years of extreme distrust. I was the one at home looking after the kids and the antagonistic attitude brought me down. Kids can fall into a pattern when they sense encouragement. My advice is find out what it is he doesn't trust you with, keep on loving the kids (they don't understand how serious it is), let him talk, express himself and in a couple of years, he'll drop the war and start supporting your parental advice. The situation is however, urgent, for the kids mainly. I advise you to go to marital guidance (have a third party bridge your conversations on the issue).

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Well the next time this happens >> Leave the house before he does with the kids! And if asked where to? Then just say, none of your business atm!

Sometimes diamond has to cut a diamond and you cant ignore the fact!

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The kids are probably acting out because they miss their mother, your husband's probably feels guilty about this and is over-compensating. Kids very quickly learn how to capitalise on a situation and are master- manipulators at the best of times. It seems they have cast you in the role of 'wicked stepmother' and this is not fair on you, even if it is understandable. The only way i can think of to try and resolve the situation is to have a family meeting; all sit around a table and take turns to talk about what's griping you all - don't talk over one another and give the kids chance to vent their feelings first, or they won't listen to your side. Hopefully, with all the cards on the table, you may be able to see a solution, as this can't go on - it's no good for you. Also, you could suggest that maybe he's punishing you for his exes past misdemeanors, and again, this is not fair on you, though if he was really hurt by her, again it is understandable. Explain to him how much it hurts when he always takes the kid's sides without hearing your side & how the kids are playing you off against one another, Try to keep the accusation out of your voice, as he will just go on the defensive otherwise. Try and find some positives about the kids, so as to not sound so critical - for example, you could say, 'i really appreciate it when you......and it really helps me when you...... but, could you please try a bit harder with.....Get what i mean? It's gonna be hard, and i don't envy you, but this is definitely fixable - that is, if you still want to fix it. you have been treated quite badly, after all. I would give the kids a little leeway, considering their age and absent mother, but by the same token, i wouldn't let them, or your husband treat you like a doormat. Only you can decide how and whether to proceed at this point, but whatever you do, i wish you the best of luck.

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Leave them and move on with your life. You do not deserve to be treated like this with disrespect. Let your husband take care of the young children by himself so he realizes how much work it is and how much they should appreciate you. You are too good to put up with this and I am sure there is a wonderful man out there that would treat you so much better and with the respect you deserve.

All the best,


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