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Home  >  Relationships (Romance)  >  General  >  Resolved Question
spiderb
Resolved Question
Why is it that the neglected/rejected spouse is always the one to give up the marital bed?
Shouldn't they be the ones in the small spare room or like me the back breaking sofa with the cat?
Posted 2 months ago
cwmomof2boys
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Usually because the other spouse feels he/she has does nothing wrong. They just don't care. I have slept many times on the couch, cried myself to sleep, while he slept comfortly in the bed. Sometimes, in my case, I wonder if my hubby even has a conscience. For me, it is taking a stand, for him, it is all about comfy sleep.
Posted 2 months ago
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warmheart
Posted Oct 20th, 2008 at 4:11PM
Because it hurts too much to be so close to someone who has shut you out.

I agree with the taking control thread here too. Me leaving the marital bed was the first step to a dawning awareness of a total imbalance in my marriage, and thus in my life. The balance shifted away from me always wondering what he needed (he would never discuss this with me), to me taking responsibility for what I need, and what I want. Eventually the balance in the relationship shifted from him in control, as the refuser, to realizing what I needed, taking back my life and getting out.
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JennAnn
Posted Oct 20th, 2008 at 4:11PM
Because they realize that there is no reason any longer to stay and try. What is important to note is that ususally when they leave it is fter they have been trying for ages to make things work! Neglect implies abuse and that in itself will drive the partner away.
The partner who feels "OK" with things the way they are has no reason to leave as they see nothing worng. Worse yet the spouse who leaves because they feel neglectd etc is viewed as "bad" as they could not apprecaite how wonderful their partner was/is. You just gotta go when you reallize that your self worth is almost depleted.
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Waiwera
Posted Sep 26th, 2008 at 11:10PM
I'm presuming the "they" in the question above refers to the 'rejecting' partner (the 'offender').

I should say that it depends on who is the dominant partner, who is the most assertive! If you are unhappy with the way things are, and feel you have a right to do so, ASSERT YOURSELF and tell your partner how you feel about that. If you would rather not risk provoking an unholy row, then you just submitted to what you were assigned to. Clearly it is your choice - hopefully your choice won't be made by default!
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dadaismus
Answered by a member of the I Live In a Sexless Marriage group
Posted Oct 16th, 2008 at 10:15AM
Because the one who is doing the rejecting is just fine with the status quo. She figures you're the one with the problem. If you can't deal with it, go sleep on the couch. So, you are the one who resigns yourself to rejection as you cry yourself to sleep at night.
I hate my life.
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Drumsong
Posted Oct 21st, 2008 at 1:21AM
Because the one in control of the relationship is always the person who cares the least about maintaining it, and the other will bend over backwards to try to keep them happy. (Sad thing is, a girlfriend of mine once told me that... you'd think that would be a read flag or something LOL)
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mags681
Posted Oct 21st, 2008 at 1:22AM
why sleep ith your partner when they make it clear tour no longer wanted/needed.
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GentleTouch
Posted Oct 16th, 2008 at 10:15AM
Becasue it is better to sleep on the couch than to beat the hell out of your spouse. Although beating the hell out of my spouce would burn a significant amount of calories. Hummmm...maybe I will rethink that one.
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whippingirl
Answered by a member of the I Live In a Sexless Marriage group
Posted Oct 16th, 2008 at 10:15AM
I can only tell you why I would be inclined to do it, and that is because it sucks to lay there and try to fall asleep all the while hoping for some kind of interaction. The longer you lay there, the worse and worse you feel, (especially, if, like I did the other night, you go to bed totally nude and try to get all cuddly.)
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IndyJoe
Answered by a member of the I Live In a Sexless Marriage group
Posted Sep 26th, 2008 at 10:13PM
In my first marriage...I knew that my wife didnt really want me in the bed with her (even just to sleep), and I didnt want to be where Im not wanted and welcome, so I spent the last 3 to 6 months of our living together on the sofa. In all reality, I wanted to be in the bed and have her on the sofa but it wasnt worth the headache. Oh by the way, she was cheating and thats why she didnt want me there. She actually said to me that she felt she was being "unfaithful" to her lover sleeping with me if you can believe that.
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mysticsovereign
Posted Oct 21st, 2008 at 1:22AM
I don't know that that is "always" true. Sometimes, the essence of control is being able to walk away and know when to "get gone"! Some walk farther then the bed...take the whole house, I'M GONE!
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HeavenBesideYou
Posted Oct 5th, 2008 at 10:22PM
I was the neglected for years, but now he is the rejected and I have slept on the couch, then a blow up bed for well over a month... It is my choice, and preferable to sleeping with him.
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KittenHasaWhip
Posted Oct 5th, 2008 at 10:23PM
This is a mystery to you? Why slepp with someone who rejects you?
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mickey99997
Posted Sep 27th, 2008 at 6:24AM
So that they can take care of things themselves. I find that **** is best enjoyed alone.
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PrincessMore
Answered by a member of the I Live In a Sexless Marriage group
Posted Oct 21st, 2008 at 1:23AM
I'm not giving up my comfy bed unless I'm leaving the house for good!
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Poetteach
Posted Oct 21st, 2008 at 1:23AM
probably because you left the bed for the sofa out of anger and the old" I'll show you" I done that many times once I even slept out in the car in a blizzard about froze to death really got to him too he slept so sound he was almost late for work. So, don't give up the bed! Do you snore can you fake it make your spouse leave
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aloneathome
Posted Oct 21st, 2008 at 1:24AM
They give up mentally first then physically give up. the process is putting distance between yourself and the pain that you are experiencing. from a psychological level you have to think of the basic fight or flight instict. You stay you fight, who wants to fight in bed, you leave fly way there you go toward peace (hopefully). However for me lately I have done the opposite and asked them to leave, however it is for the same reason. Fight or flight, removing the pain and the suffering from your life.
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YoungsterInAOldBo
dy
Posted Sep 27th, 2008 at 7:20AM
Maybe out of guilt, maybe because the cheating partner makes it clear that they are no longer wanted. There are so many reasons. Most of the time, when it involves a wife cheating on her husband, it's because she wants him to pay for his mistake of not giving her all that she thinks she deserves. Sometimes it is just the man's way of saying OK I SCR*WED UP and I conceed that you need the more comfortable place and the privacy.
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JusDifferent
Posted Sep 27th, 2008 at 1:21PM
Well, I've definately been the "rejected/neglected spouse" before, but I haven't given up anything. * I am STILL in the bed with the big, snoring ox, trying to work things out! ;-{
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whiitetiiger
Posted Sep 27th, 2008 at 6:07PM
OMG THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, WHY SHOULD THEY STAY IN BED WHEN THEY NO THEY ARE NOT WANTED I DAMN SURE WOULDNT STAY IN BED WITH A SPOUSE THAT IGNORED & REJECTED ME I WOULD BE AT THE COUT HOUSE FOR THE FASTEST DIVORCE POSSIBLE
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