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my dad shows more concern for everyone else than he does for his own children, will give a crackhead 5 bucks before he'd give it to me and these people don't treat him any better than his family does. i can turn to others and be treated better by them than i can be by my own dad and that's a shame. shouldn't family be more of a priority to a parent than anyone else?
jerrica jerrica 41-45, F 18 Answers Oct 15, 2010

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He is just a self absorbed, self centered individual playing a role to the world while living a lie with his family. Yours is not an unusual happenstance for there are many men and women to who portray themselves as saints when that are really devils.<br />
I should think that at your age you must realize that he will not change and look forward now and not back in time. He will not change. He only get worse as he ages. To have him still effect you so shows the extent of the influence he has had upon you. It is time to let that go and accept him for the miserable character he is and move on.

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you nailed it, mister :)

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I have a bother who is the same way. I just don't visit him as much as I use to. Its sad

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This could be a whole bunch of things.. It maybe that he wants to detach himself from you emotionaly because he feels he failed you.. Could be something else.. Some people have dreams when they are younger, then when they get older and have kids, they give up these dreams.. No matter what, you cant stoop to his level by feeling the same way about him. Continue to love him as he is.. Because thats how you would "like" him to treat you.. And you are smarter then him in the fact that you will not forget whats important in your life..

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i've tried not to feel the smae way about him but i admit that it's not easy.

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Because they know they can get away with it... Friends and strangers usually will only take so much and then write you off.. Family on the other hand put up with it and forgive ..

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I agree completely...to add on too that i think they also believe that distance creates comfort, because you can create your "own" image or facade of who you wanna be without strangers/friends truly knowing/challenging who you are..Fresh starts and lack of history puts you in a position to control how people think about you, where as family knows the intricate details about who they are so therefore they feel exposed and no longer entitled to impress or put in effort anymore...its like selling a car...If a stranger approached you and asked how's it run you would list all the pro's and talk it up...If your son whom has history with you and has seen the car firsthand asked how much for the car pops...he would feel less need to Glorify it and probably say..it knocks, needs a new muffler and radiator you should know why would you want this damn thing...LOL history and being close creates an exclusive relationship on all perspectives that includes the good and the bad

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Thank you!

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It is easier for friends to "divorce" you than family.

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My mom was the same way, she treated strangers, neighbors and extended family well and most of them think she is just the sweetest person ever but at home she would take all her anger out on me or my dad. Mostly me. I am guessing this happens because some people tend to take their immediate family for granted.

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my dad is an a** to us too......especially my mother and i. and one of my brothers is just like him. they both look down on women, are arrogant, and more than average racist. he writes mean things, insults, in emails all the time. he just thinks he is better than everyone else. i'm beginning, finally, at age 46 to understand him. or really see him for what/who he is. cold, rude, arrogant. but oh, so, nice to people outside the family. people really think he's Mr. Nice Guy. but he'll put me down in an instant. both my parents are like that. i'm glad i live so far away, and i won't be going home for christmas.

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Some parents are just "Toxic". They probably shouldn't have been parents to begin with, and it's a shame that they hurt their children. Sometimes they don't even know they are doing it, they're just so caught up in themselves. If you confronted your Dad, and asked him if he knew how much he hurt you, he might be surprised, and sorry.

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i have confronted him and the closest thing i got to him being sorry is him saying "i made mistakes"

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I wish I understood that one myself. My biological father abused me then walked out on the family when I was 9. He left the state and we had no contact with him for 5 years. Contact was rare after that. One thing that stands out in my memory is when my grandfather (his dad) died and he came back for the funeral. My biological father felt like he had to come to my graduation since he was in town. While there he complained in front of me (and everyone else) that he was missing his neighbor's daughter's graduation that day. <br />
A few years later I told him that since he had no remorse for he put me and my siblings through, I had no time to deal with his childishness anymore. We have not spoken directly since. I don't feel hatred for him, just extreme pity. <br />
He doesn't know any of his grandchildren at all. For that matter, they don't know he exists. How do I explain someone like him to a child?

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as angry as i am at my dad, i also feel pity for him too because, i feel, that he's missed out on so much that he didn't have to. more concerned about missing the neighbor's graduation than yours; that's the kind of thing that burns me up.

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What tonim29 said regarding wanting to be seen as a good person by society. My dad was the same way. I'd get word about how much he wanted to see us and proud he was of his grandson and complaints that we only ever went to see him if we wanted something. Well the truth was that when we DID go to see him he would sit there with his nose in the newspaper and completely and totally ignore us, yet we faithfully went on Christmas and Thanksgiving and any other time that he actually asked us -- which was NEVER, nor did he EVER bother to darken our doorstep though we didn't live that far away, but he made sure that the outside world saw us as spongers who ignored their poor devoted father -- which is interesting because the only thing I EVER asked for monetarily, was a LOAN when my car died -- to which he said, "no." Okay, I hadn't planned on venting, but that did feel good. Thank you.

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thank you for sharing your story. my father would have the world believe that his kids mistreat him but he never bothers to tell his part in everything.

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i kinda know how that feels. <br />
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im guessing he wants to be seen as a good person by society and is getting his priorities wrong although maybe this is just because your so young? how old are you may i ask

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oh, i'm far from young, honey lol. i'm 44 and maybe it shouldn't bother me so much now that he's this way but it still does. it hurts to know that your own family thinks more of others than they do of you.

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If you knew my family you would know the reason why!

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why would a person seem to adopt other peoples grandchildren as their own?

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Why? Because sometimes your family can deceive and betray you and exceptional friends - and I don't mean mere acquaintances- prove to be more trustworthy and reliable, and certainly not abusive and controlling. When the positive regard of family (some people call it love??) is conditional then it's time to just ignore them. I was 14 when my father sat me down and told me girls didn't matter- only boys as they would carry on his illustrious (not) family name. My small circle of tried and trusted friends mean much more to me than people I happen to be genetically similar to.

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i dont know......but i am guilty of it.

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guilty of treating others better than family? at least you're willing to admit it where others wouldn't.

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I just joined this site, I was trying to figure out why I treat other peoples kids better than my own sometimes. Idk why and I dont like it. I NEED to change...the only thing I can think of is I know my kids know better so they frustrate me a lot easier. When its someone elses kid, there not my responsibility to I dont yell at them, instead, I talk and explain to them...this is wrong! At the same time I feel like the other kids have more respect for me than my own. But why, cuz im an *** to my own kids! I also will give money to bums, but I also give to my kids...they are spoild rotten. And lack respect...thats my own fault. Does ANYONE understand me or have ANY advice?

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