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darkhumorme darkhumorme 22-25, F 11 Answers Dec 18, 2012 in Struggles

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I tried that. It will take away your sanity.<br />
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I always say now that my ex and I brought out the worst in each other.

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Thank you for drawing your personal experience. This is my first relationship and it's hard to know what's a good decision to make b/c love is blind.

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"drawing from"*

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I was in a relationship like that for 3 years. I just made a confession about my story a day ago so you could read it if you click on my profile but I'll try and share some here. My ex-boyfriend grew up in an environment where he was abused all the time throughout his childhood. His mom and his stepdad always abused him and treated him like a servant next to his half-siblings and this affected the way he lived through life. When i was with him, at first, it was the happiest thing I have ever been in. Then eventually we would get into arguments where he would slap me and hit me. He never did any of this intentionally because every single time he hit me, he would start crying and feel so guilty. He couldn't really control himself (and I don't blame him for all for it especially because of his living conditions and his abusive childhood). Because of his insecurities of being alone, he would not be very happy if I talked to someone other than him. Also because of that, he seeked out many other girls to talk to. It did hurt a lot. I thought it would be okay because we loved each other and after 3 years (and lots of threats from him later on because he didn't want me to leave), I was finally able to leave. I loved him a lot honestly and it may sometimes feel like it's worth it to be hurt and take in all the pain as long as you're with someone who you love but you won't realize how unhappy you may have been until you do leave the relationship. My story may be a little extreme but I wouldn't advise continuing to be in a relationship with someone who you loved but also hurt you. It may not have been his fault that he did those things, it may have been his condition, his childhood, or even his surroundings, but it's not worth it. Believe me when I say, you will find someone who will never hurt you and will treat you with respect and love :).

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Leaving's reasonable though; the guy has to get his PTSD under control. I had an awful childhood, it doesn't mean I get to run around smacking people. No free passes; we're responsible for what we do.

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That's true, but maybe you were able to handle it better than other people :). Leaving is more difficult than a lot of people think it is. I used to think that leaving is as easy as just exiting a room. Stockholm Syndrome does exist and it does have some pretty powerful effects on its victims.

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amen to that. although it's a sad though when you care/ love the person so much and want them to get better. maybe they'll never get better? how would they if they don't know how to help themselves.

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I think it would depend on how long I could emotionally handle it. Once it got to be too much for me, i.e. recognizing it as hurt, I would have to cut the ties knowing it would be better in the end for both of us.

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My STBX is almost certainly an Asperger's person. They have trouble empathizing. I hate that I have to break up with her, but I think I'd have killed myself if I tried to stay. <br />
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You have needs, you have to get them met.

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no my dear... walk away now, grieve for the loss then grow emotionally.<br />
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good luck,<br />
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respect, from robbie

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thank you for the reply. would your answer to my question change if the hurting they inflict was not intentional, but is because they have a psychological condition that doesn't allow them to identify and express their emotion well, which come across as neglectful and cold? (Alexithymia)

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then it depends on what commitment you have made (eg through marriage or if it is your child).... also if you cannot manage it, then your staying might hurt them worse than if you left, as well as hurting you. you must also question what attracted you to someone like that in the first place.... the condition was already present on the first day that you met

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you bring up very good points and i appreciate your feedback greatly. you are right about the conditions being there since day one and probably the reason why my bf's past relationships have ended in the past (b/c of depression + inability to identify/ express emotion, which has indirect consequences). with that said he is truly a good person and has a good heart. it's a decision i have to make, but is it wise to stay with him to help stop the cycle or move on and let him have to deal with it on his own, with good possible chance that no one he will meet will take the time to understand to help?

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depends... do you chose to be his nurse/psychotherapist or his lifetime partner and companion? there is always ALWAYS a cost:benefit ratio.... only you can decide if it is something that is workable

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thank you for the perspective, you have given me much to consider and think about

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i hope it of some help to you, to find your way to the best decision that you can ;-))

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3 More Responses

to reply the question is very hard, myself personally i feel the my boyfriend hurt me a lot, reason one, when he is in the computer and i come to him to give him a hug , the first thing he said is " do you think that im talking with other girls" i tell him no, but he has skype open and steam and close those right away.. what do you guys think about him?

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he has unresolved insecurities that he needs to deal with or needs help or guidance. the more i think about people and relationships, successful relationships usually present in couples that have a good balance and understanding of their insecurities so they have better control of how it affects the relationship. not understanding thyself = problems in relationship

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F... no!

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Dump them because they don't love you.

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If he hurt me his butt would hit the pavement pretty fast.

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