This is written for anyone that has thought about suicide, attempted suicide, is depressed or has been depressed in the past or any friend family member affected by someone who has committed suicide and succeeded or attempted suicide. I have been deeply affected by suicide. My husband suffered from depression, attempted suicide, lived to fight depression and lost – committed suicide. I do not pretend to be an expert on either of these things, far from it. I only know what I saw and felt during my experience with him and how I felt after, but I do promise that everything I say is 100% truth of the way I felt. I’m not my writing this to lecture, dismiss anyone’s feelings or sugar coat anything, not here to preach or tell you everything will be all right. Just here to tell you what went on in my experience of depression and suicide, the effects of it and consequences me and my family had to face. Things that you or your loved ones may have to go through if this tragic event happens to someone you love. To let you know if you commit suicide what can be in store for the people you love.
Depression is a terrible, crippling, life- ruining, self-esteem stealing, and joy-eating disease. I’m not talking about depression how you normally think of it or how I do, being sad about a situation, a loss, a job, a boyfriend, moping about eating chocolate and listening to sad music, crying some tears but then getting back to your life, moving on. My thoughts about people who had depression was the same as many people have for alcoholics and drug abusers: why don’t they just stop, why don’t they try to get better, just go out and change your life, your situation. Well, easier said that done. As I learned personally after it was too late. Everyone has moments of depression but feeling depressed and being clinically depressed are too different things. Feeling depressed is what I wrote about before, being depressed is having a disease that needs treatment like cancer or like I believe alcoholism or drug abuse does.
Depression is like an infection and many depressed people see suicide as a way to stop and end the infection, but when a person takes their life they do not stop the infection. They spread it to close friends, spouses, parents and children. The depression spreads to them and the way that you felt: you were so hurt and hating yourself and it was so physically painful that you could not stand it anymore and how all of the people that you care about, that you try to save from you, that you think would be better off without you, that is how you leave them to feel. Instead of ending the infection, you are spreading it to the people you love the most. I don’t care if you think no one will care, if you hate yourself, if you think everyone hates you, that you have no friends, lover, or job. Even if this is the case, which I doubt it, someone will be spread the infection when you take your life even if it is just the person, the stranger who finds your body. By taking your life you are not helping anyone, you may end the pain for yourself but you spread it to everyone else.
I have heard people say that suicide is selfish, a cowards way out. Depressed people do not do it because of that. They cannot stand the pain any longer and truly believe that they are not worth it. They may think there loved ones are better off without them, if you do, you are wrong you will just make duplicates of yourself by doing it. I tell you this now so both families and friends of these people know and that people that are thinking about suicide know also. Because when you are in the act, ready to go and end your life most of the time it is too late. I’m not saying once you decide to do it you’re not allowed to stop. If you are starting and have the power to do so stop and get help please, but I believe that once people are in the process of committing suicide they are no longer in their right rational minds. The depression, the infection has taken over their brains. So if you have suicidal thoughts or know someone that does, do not think they can do it themselves, they need help. Even if they are just vague thoughts. They always grow and will take over.
People that have never been depressed do not understand how hard it is. I did not understand until I went there. I was unable to work, I cried all the time. It took so much to get a shower. You forget to eat. Some cannot sleep. I slept at least 16 hours of the day. Living in your dreams is better than your life. Time stops for you. You don’t eat. Your body does not even feel hunger. My husband still was going to work, making dinner then would sit there. I told him he was weak. That he was not trying to help himself. If you are depressed and able to go to work, you are strong. He was so much stronger than I knew, so much stronger than me. You do not know this until you are there. In depression you do not do the things you used to love. They do not have any significance now. You pull away from friends and spouse, even your kids. You feel as though you body and mind have betrayed you. Your brain attacks you with thoughts you can’t control and tells you that you are not good. That you are terrible. People are better off without you. Your body will not let you sleep or relax, feel joy. You have aches and pains, no energy. Cannot eat, move your bowels. Your hands shake, dark circles under your eyes, you lose hair. It is a struggle to get out of bed. You don't want to leave the people that need you, but sometimes the pain is too bad to stay for them.
Someone with depression needs to be handled with care, encouraged when they do all the things normal people think are insignificant. Getting a shower, getting dressed, making dinner. It is hard for them and they want to get better, no one wants to feel like ****. They need to hear they are doing a good job because doing those little things is as hard as moving a mountain. They are exhausted from doing nothing, from living, from feeling the way they do, from being alive. They hate themselves and think they are worthless. They already think they are doing badly. They do not need you to tell them they are not trying hard enough or doing anything. Getting out of bed is a milestone. With depression you are chronically tired. You are tired when you wake up, tired when you go to bed, tired after a nap, tired after opening your eyes, let alone actually getting up and doing something. You wake up, go back to sleep and if you stay up you count down the hours until no one needs you and you can go back to sleep- or it’s the total opposite. You cannot sleep ever. If you fall asleep, you wake up a few hours later. But you are still so tried. Exhausted. You spend all your time trying to sleep, laying there doing nothing. The longer it is, the less you are able to sleep.
Suicide destroys you and your family. They are not better now that they do not have to worry about you. Now their whole life has blown up. They do not know how to act, what to think, how to live. Just breathing is hard and thinking, that is unheard of. Having to do all the funeral things kills them. Having to see you dead and pale. The guilt is even worse. Even if they were not close to you, they play the what-if game and think they could have changed it. Especially if they were the last one to see you alive. The guilt can make them want to die. Can make them kill them selves. They feel abandoned. Will not trust again. Children have low self-esteem because they feel their family member did not love hem enough to stay. They think they did it because they were bad. The feelings do not go away. Your family is attacked by thoughts of what they could have done, attacked by what-ifs, by the scene of your death even though they did not see it, by seeing you in a coffin, by feeling abandoned by you. You think when you leave it goes away. It makes your family feel as though life is a chore not the gift that it is. Sometimes they lose their homes, cars, job because of your actions. They cannot afford it without you, cannot function at the job, kids fail classes. They lose their innocence. Nothing good comes of it, nothing. When you are gone and realize what you did you will be sorry and regret it.
After suicide. In the beginning I did not realize that it was real- it did not sink in. I did not understand how it happened, how time did not stop. I was in shock. I did not want it to be real. I wracked my brain for ways to change it- pray to god, use a spell, travel back in time. Trade my life. When it happens you are so much in shock, in sadness, in hurt. Then on top of it you have to pick a coffin, pick hymns, pick bible verses, and pick clothes. People were there for me the whole time asked “What can I do?”, my answer was “Nothing, I just want my husband back.” That was my answer for months. When this happens, the person who would normally comfort you in this instant is not here because they are the one that is gone. Because of my kids now my role is mother. It always will be, but soon they will have there own families, then who am I? The same but not. My life as a woman died with him. At some point, I started referring to my life as a nightmare. That’s how it felt. I wanted to wake up and have everything back. I look for him every time I come home, look at my bed. I search for him as I drive, look at each person I drive by. Sometimes I think I see him. Spend so much of everyday wondering what could have been different, how I could have made it better. I wanted to die and wished I was not afraid to take my own life, because it is so painful here. I felt as if I was going crazy, as if nothing makes sense, nothing is real. Why did the world not stop? Losing someone that way made me feel as though my heart had shattered into a million pieces that someone stomped on it and poured gasoline in my veins and set them on fire. A broken heart. I felt such emotional and physical pain. And anxiety the kind that makes you want to rip out your heart, claw off your skin. I played the scenario of how he did it over and over in my head. I did not understand how he could get to that point at first. Later when I felt that way I understood. I do not wish that feeling on anyone. Until it happens to you, you don’t know.
Grief after suicide. Suicide of a person close to you can consume your whole life. It’s all you dream about, think about, do anything about. All thoughts are on why, when, where, what if. I hate that I can relate to this feeling so easily. You don't eat; only do what you have to do, just want to sleep. If you had to consciously make yourself breathe, you probably would not make the effort. You need to decide if you want to live or die and in grief the answer can change day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute, even second to second. You are just here. You cruise through on auto pilot. You don’t enjoy the things you used to love. If you have any flashes of joy they are covered by grief. You do not get mad, you are not happy, excited, content, interested. You only feel the emotions of grief- sadness, depression, guilt, sometimes even numbness. You can also experience denial. Denial is sometimes the place you want to be, the place you can breathe, that way you can pretend for a short time that nothing has changed. The cruel thing about denial is that it always makes the reality 10 times harsher and more painful. I wanted to exist in my dreams, at least he was there. All your other relationships suffer and it doesn’t matter, nothing does except the huge hole that is left there and the excruciating pain that is in its place. It’s so hard to make yourself eat, shower, forget cleaning. You can’t take care of yourself let alone other people, kids, elderly parents. You feel like a different person, a shell of yourself. You will never be the same person again, you will forever be changed. The world seems to have less color, less energy, less joy, less brightness.
Life after someone commits suicide is so crazy. There is no normal after that, your emotions come and go like the waves in the sea. They call them waves of grief, I see why. You are sad and depressed then all of a sudden anger and regret. Then back. You never get peace, you yearn for it and if you get a few seconds of normal; then you feel sad and guilty because they are gone and you feel that way. That guilt can lead to anger at them for causing the situation; it is a terrible destructive circle. A roller coaster of emotion. It’s exhausting to go through mentally and physically. Everyday I wake up I don’t know what kind of day it will be, good or bad. How I will feel? Act? Each day I have to decide if I live and go on or if I quit and let depression and despair get me and get stuck in the dark place my husband was in. The time you spent with that person you now do nothing, sit there, sleep, cry, stare. They took up such a big part of you life. You feel as if your life is gone. You feel lost, empty, and you lost a part of you. You don’t know what to do with yourself then get anxious over that. It shakes up your whole world and not in a good way. Most days I wake up and it takes a few minutes to remember he’s not here. Other days, I wake up knowing he will not be there. It’s almost worse that way. Makes it seem like some day I will accept he's gone and that it will be normal for me. You do things and go through the motions but cannot quit remember actually doing it. Your concept of time is non existent, except knowing how long it has been since your loved one was alive. You do things but don’t really participate. You eat, sleep, breath but don’t notice; that is not living. You’re alive but not participating, living but not enjoying it. You take up space but don’t know what’s going on.
This is by no means the end of it. The end of the thoughts, emotions and actions depression and suicide can cause. But it’s things I felt that they do not say in any books about depression or dealing with loss of a loved one to suicide that I have read. At one degree or another I will feel these things my whole life. I’m not saying this to tell you your happy life is over, but to caution you on how you may feel or how you may make people feel after suicide. And to ask you to treat people with depression gently with care, they are very fragile. To tell you things I wish I had known before….
What a cool way to ask!
Are you interested in a suicide pact partner like I am?
get a bomb from pakistan
no don't talk to god there is light at the end of the tunnel, don't let the devil win. repeat in your mind god is my savvier,he is your creator forgive me lord for all my sins in the name of the father and the holy spirit amen.
Rip your d!ck off
Nobody should be telling you a way to end your life, though I do not know your circumstances and the "easiest" way is defined by you. Get a big container big enough for your head to fit, fill it with water stand in front of it and drown yourself. If you pull out you're not ready to die.
sleeping pills to wake up with some sense !!!
Jump off something high.