Some Funny Quotes About Sex

B ecause, let's face it, the whole thing is kinda funny. Just a few of the most memorable.... "Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus." (Bob Rubin) "It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge." (Voltaire) "Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated." (M.C. Reed) "Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes." (Jackie Onassis) "The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform." (Dr. Alfred Kinsey) "I like men who have a future and women who have a past." (Oscar Wilde) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she's reading." (Steve Jobs) "A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally." (Lillian Day) "The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south." (Lance Morrow) "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." (Steve Martin) "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." (Anonymous) "If it wasn't for pickpockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." (Rodney Dangerfield) "The only difference between friends and lovers is about four minutes." (Scott Roeben) "An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex." (Aldous Huxley) "Sexuality is the lyricism of the masses." (Charles Baudelaire) "Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin. It's the triumphant twang of a bedspring." (S. J. Perlman) "The ability to make love frivolously is the chief characteristic which distinguishes human beings from the beasts." (Heywood Broun) "The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off." (Jean Cocteau) "Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures." (Samuel Johnson) "I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘no.’" (Woody Allen) "In America, sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it is a fact." (Marlene Dietrich) "There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should draw the line at goats." (Elton John) "I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce." (J. Edgar Hoover) "Love is the answer; but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." (Woody Allen) "Sex is the poor man's polo." (Clifford Odets) "I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax." (Scott Roeben) "What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home." (Ken Hammond) "Fifty percent of the women in this country are not having *******. If that were true of the male population, it would be declared a national emergency." (Margo St. James) "Lead me not into temptation—I can find the way myself." (Rita Mae Brown) "Ah, yes, divorce—from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." (Robin Williams) "The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it." (Woody Allen)