Some May Say...

I have been told that I have done things that were outside the realm of sanity.

Well, if the reward for sanity is the failure to live life, then I am a bit crazy.

2001, a bad year for everone. And I was going through a divorce at the same time. Also, lost someone who was very near and dear to me. She didn't like that I was getting a divorce I guess. Thought I would make a play for her, and she would have been right. Now she doesn't even aknowledge my existence. I quit my job because she left first and it was never the same work environment after that. I was a bus driver and she was the dispatcher. She could anticipate my every move as I could hers. Quitting the job without having another could be thought of crazy. But that's not why we're here.

Five months out of work, down to my last $400. Finally, a job! A new life, new house, (I had to sell the other to satisfy the divorce), and I was on my way. Ok, then the long hours and devastating loneliness. I tried to find others to be with, it just didn't work. I'm not good at that.

Fast forward, (because it is all the same in between), 2005. Just realized that the woman I was communicating with on the net was scamming me. I didn't feel all that bad about the scam, just that now I had no one again. I tried to get back in touch with my friend, the dispatcher, and am completely ignored. Feeling pretty low, then a new salesperson starts at work, and it is the begining of the end for me. I know that the new salesperson is going gung ho, they always do at first. That means long hours again, and I just can't do it anymore. I quit! Time to reinvent myself (again).

I have to give up my dearest friends in the whole world. I have had these two since they were just pups. I couldn't be homeless and take care of them, so off to the Humane Society for them. I still pray they found good homes. I can't bear to think they were euthanized because of me.

Sell the house (that was a failure of epic preportions) and everthing except my car and my clothes. I plan to be homeless on purpose. I have always wanted to see Phoenix, AZ.

That's why we're here. My parents aren't thrilled with my going with this particular plan, but they know they can't stop me. I lived in my car for two months and spent another in an extended stay motel. Hey, it was 125 degrees in the shade in May! I didn't spend the whole time in Phoenix. I had enough disappointments that led me to leave and come back several times. Slept in Wal-mart parking lots. Everyone I met in Phoenix was so concerned with my safety, but I was not concerned in the least. A bit crazy? In the beginning of June '05, I was on my last dime and couldn't see a future. I thought I would just drive to Colorado and wander off into the sunset. I've never been to Colorado, but that is what the cowboys did.

Oh, I forgot, after I was in AZ for one month, my dad was finally diagnosed terminal lung cancer. Instead of stopping in Colorado, I thought it would be too cruel for my mom to lose me and my dad so close to each other, I drove from Santa Fe, NM back to my boyhood home. Straight thru, only stopped for gas. Twenty-two hours if you are interested. Helped mom take care of dad until he passed in Aug. Couldn't find work in this God forsaken place and finally thought it may be time to call it quits, for real this time. I cleaned up everything at the house, mom didn't need to clean up after me. I went for a ride in the car. I'm a driver if you couldn't tell. Went a different way. Remembered the TV ads for the mental clinic, it was on the way. I stopped. Obviously not thinking clearly, I left because the weren't able to tell me if my car would be safe. Crazy, huh? Driving around and crying because this was really it! I drove for several hundred miles, one great big circle. About halfway, a voice in my head said try the hospital again. Voices? Great, that's all I need! I was admitted to the psych ward and I have never looked back since. I guess I was really crazy, and I wouldn't have given up the experience for anything!

deleted deleted
26-30
3 Responses Jul 26, 2009

THERE IS A THIN LINE BETWEEN INSANE AND SANE PEOPLE SOMETIMES TO BLIND TO CAUGHT UP OR SCARED TO REALIZE BUT AFTER THE STORM U SAW A GLIMPS OF LIGHT (HOPE) AND CHOSE TO FOLLOW THE PATH OF A NEW DAY A NEW WAY NOT MANY PEOPLE CHOOSE A NEW WAY AND STAY SICK AND SUFFERING NO BODY HAS TO BE A VICTIM BUT A SURVIVER

yep. no doubt. :)

you got lost. it happens to the best of us. forgive yourself, breathe and move on. <br />
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there's always a little bit of crazy in all of us. so hang on there. :)