Why I'm Elated Today

I was bullied and sexually harassed through elementary school and middle school, and trained for it with psychological and emotional abuse at home.

HOWEVER, that's not what's important today, August 11, 2011. What's important today are the things I've learned in the past week or two that have been so extremely freeing.
Which I will give you generally first:
Forgetting, ignoring, or forgiving and forgetting matter of factly and then moving on is horsesh*t. It doesn't work. You cannot just forget, reminders or trigger are everywhere. The goal is to LET GO OF THE PAIN.

When you are abused/bullied someone intrudes into your safe space or bubble and makes a huge mess of your life, with bullying by definition it happens over and over, and who has to clean up the mess? You do. How unfair is that?! How could that not make you angry? Plus, you're a kid, why didn't someone stop them or help you, or a thousand other things. All of this would make anyone immensely angry. But what if no one knows? Or worse what if people knew and didn't help or care? Then you can end up saving that hurt and pain, or look for other public forms of victimization so that someone can see it, recognize it, and finally see how much someone has hurt you. REALLY HURT YOU. You're not lying, you're not making it up. (I did this until this week, see below)

To move on, you have to accept how much you have been abused, tormented, harassed, bullied, wounded, injured, etc. And allow yourself to feel it. I am absolutely not suggesting to accept that what happened to you is ok. It is deplorable. Instead, acknowledge that it was really that bad. When it's happening you can "put your feelings on ice," I know I did. I did for at least 4-6 years afterwards too. Then when you're ready and you have more coping skills you can acknowledge and accept your history and your battles you have survived. You cannot imagine things away. I've tried and failed time after time. This part is SO hard, but you deserve to get to the other side.

Professional help is encouraged, but if you don't gel well with your professional, fire them. Get someone you can trust, or would at least like to work towards trusting.

Since middle school I have been working academically towards becoming a social worker, to help other people. This in the past two weeks of my final year to get my Masters in Social Work I learned a few things. 1, remeber what happend, let go of the pain. 2 I realized that I had been holding onto my pain for years. So that if I encountered a former bully, or huge trigger while with someone who cared about me, maybe I could have the opportunity to show them how much other people had attempted to slay me, and my pain would still be fresh.
2, my friend from art camp (yeah I was cool as a kid) told me that she saw that I needed to be loved. I was so cool and a wonderful person, and i just needed to be loved and she had always wanted to give me that and show me.
I wept immediately. I was so relived we were in the dark, and I was just silent. I'd never felt like anyone had seen me before. She pierced through me in an instant, has seen into my soul, through my suffering, and loved me for the person I really was.
I knew this was a huge deal, but not quite as huge as it is, until back in social work school. When I learned that it is actually a common, but unhelpful, coping skill to keep your pain and look for public ways to show someone how much you've been hurt. That's when realized that that was really what I wanted, but it had actually happened the week before, with my friend.

And I've started to let the pain go.


I don't know if this will be helpful to anyone else, but my real hope is that we can be those people to each other. I had wanted for a long time before this to join a group of people who had been bullied, for that exact reason. To find someone who could understand, but also see me and I could see them.
RedRibbon RedRibbon
22-25, F
Aug 11, 2011