The Root Of My Social Anxiety

I have been bullied until college: I was a chubby girl, an introvert and good student, I was the only redhead in the whole school (redheads are not common in Southern-France) and I was unattractive (judging by those f***cking society standards).
I have been bullied in so many ways for as long as I can remember: I was punched in the stomach, I was stabbed in the back with compasses during math courses, people had spitted on me...They told me every day that I was ugly. I'm 27 and I can still see them laughing at me, pointing their fingers at me. At this time of my life, I couldn't understand their behavior toward me: I was an introvert but nice with the others. It has gradually destroyed me: I began to believe what they were saying about me, I was feeling worthless, disgusting. The worst is that I started to change myself to belong to the group. As example, I faked being a bad student. I masked my true personality in order to be like them. I gradually disappeared, I was nothing.
Then, I met my best friend Marie: she was a beautiful girl but a weirdo. Our friendship has restored my personality: I was still unpopular but at least I was myself and proud of my flaws and weirdness.

Ten years later, I think bullying is a serious emotional abuse and it's probably the root of my social anxiety. I still find it hard to believe I can actually be loved and I think I have a problem letting people get close to me. But my school bullies have left me something: I'm a tolerant person and I try to never hurt anyone. I don't follow the majority, I think by myself (the majority not equal the truth). I always try to understand people and what they're hiding behind their shyness, their flaws (there's always something interesting...)

Just an anecdote: 2 years ago, a guy was obviously trying to flirt with me in a pub. He was one of my school bullies and he had not recognized me. When I reminded him who I was and what he had done during those years, he was confused. He didn't knew how much I'd been hurt. Then , he has admitted how much he was insecure about himself at this time of his life.
This is the key behind bullying: kids bully other kids because they don't know how to deal with their own insecurities
aloysia aloysia
26-30, F
3 Responses Feb 28, 2013

I'ld say you're nice...........
we live for the here and now, and you know you are properly nice.............
don't let any of the past bullying hold you back
embrace who you are, and let those lovely red locks flow in the breeze!!

I also struggle with social anxiety and shyness, though I was never bullied in school. People did take advantage of me though and talk about me behind my back. I'm glad you're feeling better now. Hope you continue to hang on. Hopefully I still can as well.

thanks for your kind words. I hope you will overcome your social anxiety. At least, we are not alone on EP.
Take care of you!

You are welcome. Thank you also! :) I\'m glad that I\'m not alone on this as well. Hope you\'re taken care of as well.

I'm sorry you had such a sh*tty time in school. Kids can be so cruel. I can certainly understand your feelings of worthlessness, being an introvert, and wanting to disappear. That's how I felt most of my life, being called vile names by my own family. I too struggle with social anxiety and shyness, and it ****** me off that I'm like this. Hang in there. You are not alone.

Thank you! It feels good to talk to somebody who understand social anxiety.
I visit your profile, I hope things are getting better for you. You seem a good person. I am living a little bit far away to offer you a material help but If you need someone to talk, just contact me.