Past Haunting The Present

Hello everyone. I am a survivor of childhood bullying. It is my first time ever sharing my story with anyone. I have kept it secret for so long, I feel like it's finally time to share my story (even if it is anonymous over the internet). I have tried to forget my past, I even have went as far as inventing stories about my past for my loved ones so they will never find out about my past. In all honestly, I don't think I will ever reveal my past, besides right now, to anyone. Even though I have tried so desperately to forget, I still have flashbacks and nightmares. I think if I can share my story, it will help me let go and focus on my present and future. Well here is my story (it is kinda long, so please bear with me).

I was born and raised in a major metropolitan city up until 4th grade. Life was good. Then, we moved to the suburbs. My parents were not as well off as the other kids, my clothes were not quite right, my parents were not rich, I was not white, I was ugly, we lived in an apartment, I previously lived in a "bad" area, I don't even know, whatever they could possibly think of, I was teased for it. I was taller than most of the kids in the class, so they used to get older boys to jump on me and steal from me whenever and wherever possible. I even had one boy threaten to rape me, but at the time I had no idea what he was talking about. I had more bullies than I can seem to count, yet I didn't have one friend. I sat by myself during lunch. For someone they wanted to be away from so much, they went out of their way to come tease and throw food at me. My lunchroom supervisor finally made me sit out in the hallway since I was causing such a disruption. It got so bad, I used to hide in the bathroom during lunch and recess. My teachers knew what was going on, they let it happen. Whenever I got bullied, the perpetrators were never reprimanded, but as soon as I defended myself, I got in trouble for disrupting class. One teacher in particular, my gym teacher, used to encourage the fights. He said that I was not a girl, but a boy, so it was OK for boys to fight me during class. I reported him to the administrators. Everyone in class heard this, but not one person stood for me. Of course, the administrators didn't believe me, I was the one always disrupting class and skipping school. I was eventually labelled a "problem child." I never told my parents about what was going on at school. I didn't want to appear weak. I didn't want my parents to think less of me, so I lied. I made up friends and made up excuses about why they never called or came over to play. This went on until high school. That's when we moved back to city. Everything just stopped.

I'm in my late twentys now. It been a long time since I been bullied by anyone, but I see the effects of what bullying has done to me. No matter how much I lie to myself and others to make this part of my past go away, I just can't do it. Lately, I catch myself being aggressive and angry towards others. I get anxious, depressed, and emotional on a regular basis. I finally correlated these behaviors to my past. Now that I finally shared my past, I feel that a great burden has been lifted off my shoulder. Thank you.

finallyfree2bme finallyfree2bme
26-30, F
10 Responses Feb 20, 2010

I'm just glad that my administrators are serious on bullying and NEVER take sides.

I hope those people get what they deserve. I'm in high school, I'm a bullying victim RIGHT NOW.

the system never just cared and when we proteceted our self more often then not we got in trouble for it as it was clear we were the agressor<br />
<br />
but kids learned to leaveme andmy girl friend and our group of friends alone just leanred to let is pass in school as a rule unless we were attacked first

Thank you for sharing your story. I too, survived the horror of childhood torment. <br />
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I was "ugly", "fat" (although looking at the few photos I would let people take, I wonder about their body dysmorphia), I never said the correct buzz words in the correct inflection, my taste in music was different. I experienced daily name calling, daily being tripped, sexually harrassed (it was always open season on every part of my body). I was often threatened and injured at the hands of students. I felt like a piece of meat daily.<br />
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Over 30 years have passed, and I still have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat. I have very little trust in the genuineness of people's character. For the most part, my life is happy. I have a loving husband and beautiful, smart children who are thriving in a loving environment. The older I get, the less apologetic I feel over being myself. I spent the first 18 years of my life repenting my natural self, now I get to live my life free and refuse to accept that deserved one second of my hell.

hi<br />
<br />
i have a past too similar to yours...whatever it is present is what counts more<br />
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tc that you dont blame what doesnt work with the present is because things didnt go well before in ur childhood<br />
<br />
take professional help if u must, a hypnotist maybe ,who can go down that road again for you & clear up all tahts troubling u & instill the confidence that u need to face the world....<br />
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all the best !!! <br />
& remember everyone falls in some phase or other in their lifetime- what differentiates between a survivor & a loser then is the guy who rises again is the winner & who doesn't loses & keeps losing...

You survived the bullying, and pretty horrendous bullying it was too. I do not think most of the people here have had to put up with threats of rape, or being beaten up in class by boys, condoned by your gym teacher. This is really quite severe level bullying, so no wonder you are suffering with such harsh problems in your twenties.<br />
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I want to say something here, right now. It is not your fault that you were bullied. You have nothing to be ashamed of, so please do speak to someone about this, not just we people online, because much as I am sure we would all wish to help you, you really do need to talk to someone about this, particularly if you are getting flashbacks or are still tormented by what happened to you.<br />
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You will be VERY angry, and probably trigger happy. I had this happen to me in my twenties. After a whole school career of being bullied, I was very determined not to have this happen at work. The result was that I became "the ***** on wheels". As soon as anyone said anything slightly critical about me I was snidy and nasty and vicious. Being fairly articulate, I found that I could usually out think people verbally and used this to humiliate them. It did not make me popular, it did not stop people bullying me at work (in fact it made it slightly worse because they now justified these actions because I had been so aggressive to others) .<br />
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I know someone who has recently been bullied hates hearing the recommendation to ignore the bully, but believe me, this really does work. The bully WANTS you to react. He/she does not care how you react. Reacting angrily is just as exciting as making you burst into tears. The thing that is not exciting is having you look at them sideways and then simply walk away.<br />
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Please, please, talk to someone. If you cannot bring yourself to talk to someone offline, then keep coming back here and talking to us online. I will visit this post regularly and if you would like to talk to me I will be very happy to hear more of your story.

I really feel sad that no one reached out to you when you were young. I was bullied too. No one seems to understand what a lasting effect this can have. I hope you are finding some happiness because we all deserve some.

sorry it happened even more sorry that other knew it was going on and did not care<br />
<br />
really wonder how some of us even made it to be grown ups,<br />
even more surprizing that they blame so many things we do back to what happened to us as kids but <br />
but so many of us lived thought hell but seemed to have turned out just fine

I was bullied too. My mom told later she knew, but didn't do anything anyway. But it's past now. I survived it, and obviously you did too. We are stronger than those bullies. *hug*

Hi finallyfree2bme<br />
respect to you and best wishes. Well told. How wrong they were to treat you that way. <br />
:)