My Story, And How I Somehow, (somewhat) Survived!

I've always thought that if i had a story to tell... any story to tell, it would start in black. Then fade into a scene and zoom in on me. Sitting on the bench outside of my FIRST high school... In my uniform, shoulder bag. hair pulled up into a sloppy ponytail lookin' like a rebel with 'don't buy the realistic' by spoon playing... Of course, it was never that bada$$.
REALITY: I was a 14 year old dork in Tech school.
I came into high school with no friends and five solid comics based on cartoon cats. (DING!) yep. thats me. 5'-2" Vampire-pale with short brown hair and a look on my face like i wanted to strangle someone... i cant help it, thats just the way my face is.
I was desperate to make friends. So when I met someone on the first day of school, i was pretty happy...
Until she turned out to be madly and undeniabley annoying. She was in every one of my classes, around me, all the time. Every single living, breathing day... (sound of speeding up. Then put on pause) Needless to say I got a bit cranky with her. I stayed my distance but still stayed nice with her.
Though, no one would talk to me because now i was friends with 'the weird chick.' well at the time that was a label i didn't want.
So i was again, a loner. But by the time I had decided to become a loner, groups were already established. Everyone had their friends and i was just weird.
Eventually i did make new friends. Some people i knew from the middle school.
And i didn't get along with them too famously either at first but slowly but surely i grew really fond of them. And when it was time to pick shops i decided to be even weirder and go for architectural drafting...
which set the course, for, EVERYTHING....
I made friends by sophmore year. Good, strong friends that i really liked. I was happy... but, something deep down inside of me wasn't.
I hated shop. i hated shop, i hated academics, i hated the entire school with a burning passion. I became kind of the 'rebel b!tch' or 'quiet weird chick who always doodles'. I wore it quite well if i do say so myself.
Thats when i met him.
The junior kid... the one with frizzy hair and the gorgeous smile.
bad news: he was transfering. -_- Me: GAH EXPLODES WHY THE FFFFFF COULDN'T YOU STAY COME ON?!?!
Anyways... His last day there, he actually talked to me. at first it was all talk of poptarts and what not. He sat with us at lunch (which was odd and random because he didnt really know any of us.) So, the next day.. he was gone. Bam. out. done.
And for some reason or another, i missed him.
I really missed him. And i didn't even know him. From That point in time until January i fell into some strange, unconcious depression where it felt like i was completley and utterly trapped.
Until one day a good friend of mine from another school told me about his school. Oh, and boy did he tell a good lie.
ACT: This is where all of the misfits go. No one will judge you here. You're free to express yourself. writing classes, art classes, acting and ANIMATION ( i was already signing up)
However... none of my good shop friends knew until i told them a few months later... They were all sad. Kind of dissapointed. And eventually, i felt the same way. I had come to grow with these people and love them in some odd way. I had a place, a steady ground... but i was already signed up to leave. and i had to go. i had to lose all of these great friends. What had i done?
(vampire weekend Summer... Chapter two.)
Windham tech was far behind me, i was estatic... whole new slate, whole new begining. I didn't have to be the weird kid anymore.
Then he came back. Frizzy kid. Junior boy. One moment he's completley gone and the next he's next to me again in a crowd of people actually remembering who i was. (someone... remembered? ME? What??? Whats going on here?) We talked and before i knew it he was gone again. Okay, whatever, wouldn't be the first time...
But then i saw him again the next day at a school play. Where one of my friends ditched me so i had to go alone. And yes... he can deny it all if he ever finds out but during that entire play we played eye hockey back and forth.
Then, eventually, he got my number. (when i got home i jumped up and down in the bathroom with happiness.) Well i didn't hear from him for another month or so when one day he text me... Then we got to texting a lot. I even got a new phone so we could stay in touch better! We both loved the same kind of music, same humor, same awkward way of being. And the summer of 2010 was bliss with vampire weekend playing in the backround.
FALL: I started in this new school.... where everything my 'pal' had told me... wasn't true. These people were brainwashed. They wanted to be like the stars, in fact they thought they were. The place had more drama and hate then actual exeptance and understanding. I didn't belong there. And my lovely junior boy was starting to feel, down. But he would never tell me why. Even when i would tell him it was okay to tell me and i would understand and thats why we had eachother... he never told me.
Not even on the day he broke up with me. The same day i officially decided to ditch ACT and head on back to tech...
He never even got to hear my reasons why. All i can still feel from this day, is the silence between us on the phone. Because i was speechless with him. I couldn't believe that he couldn't even tell me what was going on. He left me worrying, regreting, judging myself, constantly passing over every possibilty of where i could've gone wrong. I began to not stand myself.
And i went back to tech. And it was a huge, happy reunion with my good friends... for awhile.
Thats when I got into designer drugs. It made everything go away, it made me forget about junior boy, (now senior boy) Made me forget all the people in that damn prep school, made me forget everything... And it brought me into this whole new world of crazy thinking. My comics shifted, they moved, the were animated in my mind and all i had to do was inhale this sweet stuff and close my eyes.... STRFKR came into play. And thats all that was on my playlist. Vampire weekend died, and spoon was just always a constant in life. (soul music, gotta have my britt daniel.) MGMT taught me how to be... Me and my sister. We grew, we became closer than any two people ever could. And we went thru everything together. The youth was starting to change for a drastic worse... but we were still here, heartbroken from 2010.
Everything was beautiful. November, and the earth around us was dying into shades of grey and brown that were so beautiful in our state of mind. And we were philisophical, and wise, we were exploring the world and learning senceless lessons from some spirit that was whispering to us...
Come... come and see what you're REALLY living in... what your normal eyes cannot see. Then, january came. And it snowed, and snowed, and snowed again and wouldn't stop until we were snowed in and all we had to do was drugs. Then they took a turn for the wosre. Then we started looking like crack heads... Then i had the nightmares, the paranoia, i lost my mind, and we felt dead... we were dead. We were so positive that we might've been dead.
................ The week. -chapter three.
the week in february. The week of valentines day. I flipped. I lost it, during school. During shop, I was still high from the night before. And i totally lost it. All i remember is crying and mumbeling on my drafting table. And everyone looking at me, like they all knew damn well what was happening to me. If it wasn't apparent in my breakdown then it was apparent in my glazed eyes, paler shade, deformed face. They all gave me some kind of cold shoulder. Like they were still my friends, but they all changed... Two had formed a group and never spoke to me, one of which was a good, good friend of mine. And i regret everything when i remember how she came to be and how we never spoke again. another got a boyfriend who constantly made fun of me behind my back. Needless to say I wasn't happy... again.
Spring: We stopped the drugs. We transfered over to good ole' ganja. but no more chemicals. we were done with that after a trip that really brought us to the moon. and we really REALLY thought we might've been smack dab in the middle of another dimension. The sound of STRFKR in my head was dying down after their epic 'reptilians' album.
And by the end of spring.... i was transferring schools again. this time, to the same one junior boy had gone to. Exept he wouldn't be there when i got there... Good.
I told one whole person that i was leaving again. I didn't want to tell anyone else. There was no point, everything was pointless... Even these people i'd grown to love so much. they all changed... the youth had already changed.
Over the summer i got a crappy job in a hardware store that eventually drove me mad enough to quit. But before i quit i had started in a new school. All over again. I had made some new friends, (though i had trust issues up the ying yang... so i didn't tell anyone much of anything.) some freshman kid thought it'd be cool to pick on me so i literally told him to go **** himself, and that i didn't have time nor energy for his a$$. still didn't get him off my back, but he knew i didn't like him... I even made a friend that i still have today. Tho we have sandbox love from elementary school together... He has no idea about anything i've mentioned before all of this and we're keeping it that way. He's my little gay pal. :)
Then when i found out i had enough credits to graduate early, i did. I was out by Februauy. And when i did leave i imagined what everyone at tech was saying...
"She left AGAIN?" "She didn't even tell us?" "She was totally on drugs anyways." "I heard she was pregnant." Or maybe they said nothing. Looking back on the days.... When i was just a 5'-2", socially awkward, comic making freshman... really nothing had changed exept the freshman part.
My sister moved to boston that winter... which left me in a very lonely state. My parents starting having major problems, they grew to hate one another. And i was the only one in the house who was just drifting in limbo... working at stop and shop, coming home to nothing... constantly regretting everything. The great friends I'd lost... the love who left me, the drugs that had eaten away at my brain, my talent that had taken a hit, my self esteem, my thoughts about the world, everything. Alone... I was alone.

Chapter four: Now...
Now this story doesn't have a sad ending. (well, not really kind of maybe? :/ ) Listen to this: After high school bullcrap ended I became a whole new person. Well, more like a whole new person who was shifting back into who they once were. The good qualities anyways.
My sister came home. We're still so close that we can practically read eachother's minds. Though she's struggeling, I'm trying to help. And we're taking babysteps to make it all better.
Me? I'm waiting tables. -_-
But you know what? the people I work with, are great people. And i almost feel as if i'm a part of something again. Something I'm not bailing on anytime soon. I'm still terribly socially awkward, but thats getting better now that im forced into the public. Actually, lately i've felt relaxed, comfertable, and silly with everyone. Even strangers sometimes. Its odd whats been happening. the shell i had crawled into is cracking open. I'm seeing aspects of myself return, slowly. And i'm not rushing them.
The friends from windham tech? Forget em'. I really only stayed in contact with one. And i would hardly call it contact. I had made good friends in my third school, they were real misfits. And now i understand why junior boy transferred there in the first place.
but high school is high school. For some people, its the best four years of their life. And for the rest of us: We get the rest of our lives to enjoy. I finally met britt daniel in person, which was a life changing expirience seeing as how this entire saga started with his voice. Soon, i'll be in college (woot -_-) I've got two comics which i'm working on. One is 1 full comic in, (170 pages) the second one of the series just hit page 60... but of course, I'm still working with my cats. The subject of doodeling is still strong, and i might've even regained some of that talent back. The drugs are gone. I still smoke every so often, but hey... whatever man. At least I'm not how i was. My parents still fight like cats and dogs if not worse then when they first started. But that just makes me grateful for the moments when they do miraculously share a laugh or be silly with eachother. My sister's found the love of her life, and i've got the best cat in town. (no really i do. he beats up everyone elses cats.)
And as for me, i am still the same person. I've just seen a lot of crap, who hasn't? But each day, the more i forget about everything and move on, the better i feel. And i'm starting to feel, happy go lucky again. like a little rebel, like a weird kid. Now i'm understanding myself better, and nothings going to get me down.
So i dedicate this crazy long story of my past 4 years to any kid starting out in school. To any kid whose lost, of confused, or down in the dumps. I was once in your shoes. And one day, you'll be in mine.
Let me say this before i go:
Everything... from this story? Everything i've said. Good and bad...
It was all worth it.
---TTyl world.
(T.V. shuts off. sound of spoons 'dont you evah' plays.)
Doodles410 Doodles410
18-21, F
Dec 2, 2012