Right In The Middle Of It

My name is Alex.  

I am unsure of where to start off but i'm assuming the beginning will suffice. I grew up in a nice small upper middle class town in a historic part of Massachusetts.  I was by all means, healthy, well adjusted, and incredibly bright.  I had a knack for math and science, and loved to play sports and regularly went skiing every weekend in the winter.  I was originally adopted as an infant but grew up with both a younger brother and younger sister.  

I guess im trying to convey how great and normal my early years were to show some contrast and to prove a point.  

It started with drugs and alcohol.  Innocently enough but like so many others know, it soon spirals into something you cannot control.

Ill cut to the chase as my mind is basically a large scatter plot; it is sometimes difficult to organize and arrange my thoughts enough to focus on a task for a period of time...sometimes.  

I had somehow finagled a scholarship to attend a private liberal arts school in upstate NY.  I was thrilled.  I thought i was finally free from the drug induced hell that was high school but it was merely a precursor to things much worse.

In college I immediately started to party more than i had ever done before.  It was detrimental.  I eventually lost my scholarship and was expelled.  Criminal charges were filed and having no resources or money i eventually went to jail for the very first time in my life.  

Getting out was strange.  I remember it vividly.  It was the winter time, and it was very early in the morning.  Being upstate NY it was in the middle of nowhere.  It was freezing cold and I can remember waiting for hours in the little center they had waiting for the bus.  I was lost, I had no direction or any clue who I was or what I was going to do.  

Eventually I found my way back to Massachusetts a few weeks later and moved in with a former coworker.  He had guns.  Lots of guns.  By then I was desperate, and had all but given up on the real world and any prospects I had.  

Ultimately this story's body is about how I picked his gun cabinet, stole several firearms, and sold one of them to a friend.  This culminated in over 17 felonies.  I thought my life was over.  I remember sitting in the jail cell that night in a haze.  Writing this is bringing back all those memories id rather forget.  I had no idea how id become so lost, my views so distorted from how i was raised.  I felt worthless and miserable.  I cried for the first time since i could remember at that point.  Several times.  I eventually went away, again, not 3 weeks after I had gotten out in NY.  I served all told, 19 months in prison, was on parole for another year and a half and am now currently serving 5 years of supervised probation.  Its tough.  As the [eriod of time from release and the current gets longer and longer I feel more weighed down by the demands of supervised probation than ever.  I feel the criminal justice fails us in that essentially probation and post conviction related departments are supposedly about reintegration and preventing recidivism.  This blares in contrast at the set of standards they deem you must uphold.  Any sense of normalcy is gone as I have to jump through loops continually for them.

Thats not what i really wanted to talk about however.  

I have been sober for 3 years now and i will say it has been the most prolific 3 years of my life in terms of growth, discovery and all the other warm fuzzy existential brouhaha.  In the last 3 years, I have started to rediscover who i am and what i want out of life.  I have started to dare to dream again and allow hope back into my life.  

This has culminated in my attendance of a ranked university in Boston and pursuing a degree in engineering.  

I found this website online after many sleepless nights of anxiety about the future.  Mainly it boils down to how my record, which is truly horrendous in scope will prevent me from my goals ambitions and dreams in terms of jobs, certifications, professional accreditations, etc.  

According to the CORI reform bill in MASS, i am NEVER eligible to have my record sealed, which was a recent, shocking, and painful discovery.  

I am starting to wonder if my goals are obtainable. This is such a dichotomy to the limitless hope and ambition Ive felt for the past several months.  I have started to question if pursuing my education is fruitless.  

I guess I am really just looking for words of hope and wisdom, experience and strength. 

I have come this far, but still feel like my goals are a horizon away.  

I dont know what to do.

GrizzleEBear GrizzleEBear
2 Responses Aug 15, 2011

It does..I am 49 and have lived some stuff that I thought I would never get out of or all seemed hopeless...but in time, things did improve. You have to focus on what you want and try not to dwell on what your living. Focus on your future and know each step is in that direction. And always do your best to think better thoughts. If you think improvements are impossible, they will be. If you believe things will get better and put your thoughts on the improvements, that is where you will get to.<br />
All my best to you!

You sound like a brilliant young man that just took a wrong turn..and which you got into legal issues it is like they own you for a lifetime.<br />
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I am a teacher of Law of Attraction and feel you could really benefit from at least looking into this. I would recommend any books or info from Abraham-Hicks.com. <br />
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This information will teach you who you really are, why you are here and how we all create our own reality. Once you understand the Law of Attraction then you will know how to deliberately create your life experience. We all attract what we get through our thoughts and feelings.<br />
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I know it is absolutely true because since I learned it and do what they teach my life just keeps getting better and better. Once you know it you will know how to take back control of your life experience. This is working for so many. <br />
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I give you a lot of credit...you never once seem to blame others for what has happened and that is rare.<br />
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You are not a bad person, you made a mistake and your not alone. It seems once the law gets someone and even if they do their punishment they seem to be tormented by the legal system. I do believe if you learn the law of attraction you will find it in you to take control back of your life.<br />
I would never offer this kind of advice if I did not know for sure it works and learning it becomes life changing in a good way.<br />
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All my best to you. Do not give up..Ever hear of the saying " This to shall pass?" It is a true statement even though right now it does not seem like it.<br />
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Hope to hear from you and my wish is you find a way to put this behind you. Take care!

The saying "This to shall pass" I have a hard time beliveing that when will it pass???