Thursday, December 23rd 2010.  Setting the alarm and locking the office door he stepped out into the biting chill of the night.  While the townspeople busily prepared for the holiday ahead; this solitary man whose world had ended the previous summer walked home through the fog.  Feeling like a character in a Dickens tale he trudged the streets toward his first night in his new home through the darkened streets.  

Unable to orchestrate the details of his move due to scheduling conflicts; each step drew him closer to more uncertainty.  Arriving at his new front door; though the visage of Jacob Marley didn't appear he felt an icy chill of foreboding as the door to the darkened house opened.  A kind friend had graciously assumed the duties of directing the moving company in positioning furniture and made sure his  bed was assembled and freshly made.  Her note bore kind words and the promise of fine wine in the refrigerator.  This kindness made him smile.

He walked from room to room; stacks and stacks of boxes everywhere.  He found a set of computer speakers and connected them to his iPod and played  the only CD he could bare Dustin Kensrue's "This Good Night is Still Everywhere"; possibly the saddest Christmas album ever recorded.  He set replay and sat on the floor for hours revisiting his past and wondering what it all meant.  Never had he felt so alone and unloved and unlovable; never being a man who found comfort in alcohol he resisted the gift of the wine.  He sat, cried and listened to the music for hours.

In those dark hours he weighed the benefits of a permanent solution to what some part of himself still recognized as a temporary problem.  He thought of his mother who'd known such disappointments in her life and how she vested all her dreams and hopes in her only child.  He recalled his few true friends and made a commitment to continue on; to reach, to give, to love and feel the pain when it came.  For the journey is part of a vast contenuium of triumphs and tragedies and to deny all that comes with life is to dishonor anyone who's lost their precious gift of life prematurely.
forasong forasong
51-55, M
Dec 14, 2013