Feelings of Failure Even During Successg

I have three children, ages are almost 8, almost 5, and almost 3. They are the reason why I get up each morning and keep plowing along. I've been married for 13 years, and probably like many in this forum, the amount of support I feel (or don't feel) from my wife dramatically influences my ability to cope with my suicidal thoughts. I am plagued by a tremendous sense of failure, despite the fact that I am professionally successful, I provide well for my family, and I have not had much pressure put on me to be more than I am. My biggest internal failure that I battle is not "knowing God." I've never heard his voice or senses he was there (not trying to offend the God is a she crowd). Moreover, I've read my brains out and looked for him everywhere. Nearly 5 years ago I attempted suicide with sleeping pills, which landed me in the the lock down portion of a mental hospital for two weeks. This was a horrible experience, except for the fact that it was one of the first times I heard other stories that resembled mine. I have nobody to talk to about any of this, and lately I've been feeling worse and worse. Medication has just made me far worse, so I'm pretty much left with very few choices.

That's it in a brief nutshell.