April 17th 2012 , 12:13 Am

Today I hung out all day in bed..a couple of drop in's on line but nothing came to my mind to write about. I want to write like I once wrote. I am very good at writing letters so that's why I write today, this is my letter to my little girl who was shot and killed, The police have done nothing that I know of . The detectives said it wasn't not something they would talk to me about. It seems to be a real
At no time in my life have I felt like I had a protector, no one that looked after me. This is the reason I am as strong a woman as I can be.This was Tambra's delima as well. We both shared our faith , Christians , we both lived incredibile lives. We were seperated for the most part of her life , we might have shared a straight 5 years out of 43 years she lived. She was all over the place as was I . We lived for awhile close to one another in Colorado Springs and I pushed her away because of her criminal behavior. I was so angry that she would use herion and whatever else and rob storage units. She came to my house to give me some things and I told her to get away from me, I accused her of bringing me stolen goods. I regret that day now. I wish to God I knew then what I know now. Inwasn't there as a protector as I should have been but at the tiem I hadn't learned what this thing called a protector was. I had no role model's. A woman once told me I don't know what it is to raise a child , when I myself had never experienced it in my family.
This letter I write to my girl Tambra whom I love with all my heart. She wishes to tell you guys something , I shall attempt to pass it alone in hopes I can maintain her memory.


my daughter , I think of you everyday. I reget my lack of involvement in your life, I can only pray you hear me now and you can forgive me. I was a child of 13 when I was carrying you and I was like an injured animal. And I was expected to raise you, please understand , I was injured and afraid . I didn't know how to be a Mother, a Parent, I had never really felt love before I don't think. Not the kind of love you Tambra deserved. I am so sorrry babe.
MsOracle MsOracle
70+, F
1 Response Apr 17, 2012

Dear Nahdi,<br />
This was a tragedy from Tambra's first conception when you were only a child yourself, to her last breath when shot dead at 43.<br />
That you had 5 years living near and getting to know one another a bit, is something to treasure, the good and the less good.<br />
In your circumstances, being a child with no functional family support, giving her up for adoption was your only possible choice... and however it worked out for her was not your fault. I hope you realise that. The things that she suffered in her life were not caused by you in any way, not even indirectly.<br />
By adulthood, it is our job to start taking responsibility for healing ourselves... it is not for others to rescue or protect us -- this is a very hard truth to swallow when we love someone who is on a path to self destruction, and we are powerless to do anything about it. It hurts like nothing else.<br />
Of course Tambra deserved love, as every life does, unconditionally -- it is the most healing essence of life. Somehow, in her home of adoption, things did not work out as they should have, and she carried with her a pain that she could not soothe, took to drugs because of it, and probably crime because of drugs, a terrible self-destructive cycle. <br />
The unconditional love in this instance actually does need to be tough -- I'm sure you know how and why -- I'm sure you actually did do the right thing. <br />
She, and only she, had the power to help herself -- she could have turned to NA, 12 steps and re-embracing her faith.<br />
I hope that your faith as a Christian can help you with these feelings of grief and regret. If Jesus saves all who believe and repent, then you would have good reason to know that when death comes, all will be well.<br />
Please fell free to contact me if you want to chat some more about anything.<br />
Love <br />
Manna