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Missing My Husband

Jerry wasn't my first husband, but he is the last.  We were married for 30 years.  We had our good times and our bad, just like in every marriage.  We were looking forward to the year 2011 so we could sell our place and retire to Arizona.  He was a retired Master Chief in the Navy (30) years.  He was working as a security guard after he retired.  I work for the USPS.  We had friend visiting from out of state and had gone to breakfast.  They left on their journey to California and Jerry and I came home.  It was noon and Jerry walked outside and out to the pasture to visit the grave of our beloved beagle Pokey.  He never returned.  My son came home from college and found him dead at Pokeys grave.  The doctors said even if they had been standing next to him they couldn't have saved him. 
I guess the trouble I am having is not getting to say goodbye and the thought of him lying out there all alone.  He died on June 16th 2010.  We were married half my life and it just doesn't seem right to go without him.  Nothing seems worthwhile anymore.  All the joy has been sucked out of my life.  Everyone says what a strong individual I am, but they don't see the insecure person I am on the inside.  I don't want to be alone, but know one can take his place.  What do I do??? Do I sell everything and move to Arizona.  It just doesn't seem right without him.  I just wish I had the answers.
oktahalillian oktahalillian 61-65, F Jan 1, 2012

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