Lost My Brother To My Exboyfriend. Story Of A Canadian Homicide Survivor.

16 months ago I lost my older brother. He was murdered in front of my mom by a man I loved and sadly struggle with feelings and thoughts of him. At this time I was in our home not knowing what was about to happen. This is a short version of the story. Major details cause me to become highly overwhelmed. My ex was arguing with me for hours and had to get my brother to talk to him. Long story short my mom got involved and her, my brother and my ex walked to the back door. I stayed inside knowing both guys had tempers. (Violence scares the living day lights outta me, so I hid. Traumatized from an event(s) that happened nearly ten years ago). My mom ran in after telling me that they were arguing and a few mins later my mom walked in covered from the top of her head to her knees in blood. My ex had stabbed my brother in the chest. After trying to attack my mom. My brother defended my mom and my mom couldn't stop my ex. Since this, I've had a hard time erasing him and the image of my brother lying lifeless on our deck. I know what my ex did was wrong, I just can't accept it? I don't trust anyone and when I see men that look like my ex I get angry and want to beat them. But knowing its not him I don't. My ex is locked away and is only looking at 10-12 years. I miss my brother dearly and think of him everyday. I love my older brother and wish I couldve saved him or something. Anything but this. This is a living nightmare. No one understands how confused I am and minimizes how I feel. I'm only human. I've had to step into some huge shoes. My mom has PTSD serverely and since then she relies on me because I understand what she's dealing with. My mom doesn't understand that when I think about my brother my ex pops in there too. I understand why she'd be mad about it to a degree but I loved them both. My ex, my two brothers and my nephews meant everything to me as far as men went. My last relationship was my longest (2 years on and off) we were gunna start a family. Then that all went away when he took my brothers life. Never thought he could seriously hurt someone, let alone kill them. Thought I knew him. That night he was slightly buzzed (he drank 3 beers) but not blacked out. It frustrates me. He has so much control over me. I don't go out alone cause of his family, my family has had to move 4 times cause of them, I've had to change schools too. I don't trust too many males or females anymore. My life feels like a nightmare. Between trying to control thoughts and invasive pictures in my head, I struggle with bipolar. This whole thing has screwed my life up. I hate my ex for what he's done but what I don't get is why? And why can't I let go of him. My brother is always on my mind. Miss him like crazy. :'( wish there was a way to bring him back. Can't replace a wonderful man like him. Can't replace a big brothers love and bond he and his little sister share.
RidingOutMyStorm RidingOutMyStorm
18-21
1 Response Oct 24, 2012

I am so sorry for your loss