Day 9

My husband Joe, had half a lung removed due to a pneumonia go arrey two years ago.  The doctors really did not know what was wrong, but he was coughing up blood and it was not cancer.  He really never got better and continued to be in pain.  Our local doctors did test after test, procedure after procedure and gave him different kinds of medicines.  They were at a loss at what the problem.  They finally sent us to a speicalist and we found out on February 17, 2009 that Joe had pancreatic cancer.  They sent us home with morphine and hospice.  I had ten very short weeks with him.  He died on April 29, 2009.  I know I grieved when we found out about the cancer, but I am really having a hard time. I just keep thinking of him, how he laughed, how me made me feel, how he would hold me in his arms. Today has been really bad because I keep thinking that I did not say goodbye, I tried to stay awake, but I was just so tired. I did not get to tell him that I loved him one last time. I did not get to kiss him one last time. I was four feet away from him when he died and I was alseep. Right now I am beating myself up for all of the dumb, stupid things I did during our marriage. Why did I push him away at times, why was I not completely honest with him, why did I pick fights with him? I know that I cannot take any of that back and it is as it was. I just feel so alone and the knot in the pit of my stomach will not go away. I am up until 3 or 4 in the morning because I cannot or maybe do not want to sleep. When I do sleep, I dream that people are in my house and they are trying to hurt me and I can do nothing about it. I have xanax, but I have a potential for addiction; I guess I am afraid that it will dull the pain I am feeling too much and I will start taking them to keep the pain away. They do not do that to me, just help me to calm down.
I find myself wanting to wear his jacket or shirt so I can smell him, I use his coffee cup, and watch the shows he liked to watch. In some ways I feel like I am losing a connection with him. I just feel so all alone even with my son and his girlfriend living with me. I don't want to go anywhere, but I cannot stand to be home. I feel like there is no place I can go to. I start back to work on Monday and I am really dreading it. I already know that people will stop by my office and ask me "How are you doing?" I know they mean well, but I am not doing well. I want to curl up in a ball and just sleep, no dreams just sleep. My children try to help but at this point they are not. There is nothing they can do.
Logically, I know I will eventually come to turns with this, but right now I can't. I live in a small town where there just isn't any support groups, not that I would go to them right now. I feel like I just cannot face people.


tazlovers tazlovers
46-50, F
1 Response May 10, 2009

Vickie,<br />
I have read your story, and know just how you feel. Your situation is very similar to mine. I hope that with time you have found a way to come to terms with the loss of your husband. Let me say this, as someone who like you, was only a few feet away when my fiance passed away. I believe that they knew they were passing and that had we been awake and there, the trauma to us would have been so much more. Perhaps he waited, as i believe my fiance did, until we were asleep to try to lessen our pain. I don't think they understood that we wanted to be there in that moment with them, it doesn't hurt any less, but I believe they did it out of love. Not that anyone can choose their moment of death (other than by suicide)..but I think that somehow they asked to wait until we were asleep, to try to protect us. (it may sound silly but its what has given me solace). I hope that with time, your pain has become more manageable, and your ability to move forward with life has gotten easier. The loneliness and the missing them never stops, we will always love them, and we move forward with life to honor their love for us, because we know they would not want us to give up living, we live for them. If you ever need a friend who understands where you've been and where you are, please let me know.<br />
<br />
Warm regards,<br />