It Seemd Like No One CaredI grew up in an intact family, on the surface everything may have seemed ok, we always had enough food, clothes,entertainment etc.But my parents never listened to me.Whenever I was upset my mother would state"Oh somebody looks crooked at you and you fall apart" and either leave the room or cover her ears. I was always blamed when somebody else did something wrong, usually screamed at and told to shut up, and called a ******* stupid brat(My mothers favorite phrase), worthless little ******* or son of a *****!! ( this was my fathers choice words)I was also told that I was a self centered , selfish little girl and and an ungrateful rotten brat!! My dad would often tell me "Don't be such a Prima Donna" and walk out the room. This was their consistent pattern of behavior with me, not just a few incidents.I was usually treated like a "black sheep"and mocked and teased for expressing my views or interests (along wtih great deal of screaming and yelling and and a lot of insults and belittling remarks joust to make me feel bad about myself!! They really seemed to enjoy that!!!!!) and told that they were worthless or stupid. My mother tried to control me well into my teen years, telling me how to dress and at the age of 12 basically nagged at me to cut my hair extremely short and unattractive. They did not want me to have a social life. I grew up with very low self- esteem and often thought I was stupid or worthless, and constantly feeling I had to justify my-self and my likes,interests etc. to everyone.( these feelings seem to be common in people who grew up in abusive families). I learned at a rather young age to "avoid the radar" since I figured no one really cared, they just wanted me around to scream and yell at.I never got involved with drugs although I often used alcohol to ease my sense of worthlessness. I became sexually active at age 19 and had several boyfriends, my family never liked the idea of me having a social life and would tell me "don't ever get married, you don't need a man in your life" About 15 years ago I met my husband. We have two sons,who in spite of my own emotionally neglectful past, I am always there for them! My family tolerated my husband but my sister outright dislikes him. She is racist and full of hate ( she is single and has no kids) because my husband is Vietnamese. ( she was a bully as a kid ,she would tease and insult me well into my teen years but my family allowed her get away with it! She was the 'favorite" child and no boundaries were ever set on her behavior, in fact my mother and brother would get mad at me for standing up to her and actually say to me "Oh she did not do that, oh you do that too" in a cruel tone of voice and all the time avoiding eye-contact!!!)I often feel very bitter about my past, people say words don't hurt, that is nonsense!!
Emotional neglect and abuse are worse than physical abuse and like physical scars emotional scars last a lifetime but are invisible. I have been told by my therapist that I have difficulty being connected to my own emotions, that I state facts, not feelings and I appear to be very "guarded". I've never realized this myself until now!!! But I feel that my emotions and feelings where Never validated or acknowledged from throughout childhood to the present I never really knew how to understand my own emotions or really how to deal with them!!!! There is always that subconscious feeling that if I do express how I feel or think I will be ignored as unimportant , screamed at or made to feel there is something wrong with me for having feelings; that I should NOT feel angry, scared, insulted etc. It is very difficult overcoming these problems, but I am trying.Now, some may wonder if there was drug or Alcohol abuse in my family, believe it or not there was NONE, I think they all have a very MEAN streak to them!!!
Some may wonder why I did not become a run a way or juvenile delinquent, but I guess everyone deals and copes with growing up in such a dysfunctional environment in their own way. I became aloof and detached, and found my escape with art, reading spending time with pets,and in high school, with yoga, and spending time away from home as much as I could.
sneakyfox 41-45, F 3 Responses 0 Oct 1, 2010