It Seemd Like No One Cared

I grew up in an intact family, on the surface everything may have seemed ok, we always had enough food, clothes,entertainment etc.But my parents never listened to me.Whenever I was upset my mother would state"Oh somebody looks crooked at you and you fall apart" and either leave the room or cover her ears. I was always blamed when somebody else did something wrong, usually screamed at and told to shut up, and called a ******* stupid brat(My mothers favorite phrase), worthless little ******* or son of a *****!!  ( this was my fathers choice words)I was also told that I was a self centered , selfish little girl and and  an ungrateful rotten brat!! My dad would often tell me "Don't be such a Prima Donna" and walk out the room.  This was their consistent pattern of behavior with me, not just a few incidents.I was usually treated like a "black sheep"and mocked and teased for expressing my views or interests (along wtih great deal of screaming and yelling and and a lot of insults and belittling remarks joust to make me feel bad about myself!! They  really seemed to enjoy that!!!!!) and told that they were worthless or stupid. My mother tried to control me well into my teen years, telling me how to dress and at the age of 12 basically nagged at me to cut my hair extremely short and unattractive. They did not want me to have a social life. I grew up with very low self- esteem and often thought I was stupid or worthless, and constantly feeling I had to justify my-self and my likes,interests etc. to everyone.( these feelings seem to be common in people who grew up in abusive families). I learned at a rather young age to "avoid the radar" since I figured no one really cared, they just wanted me around to scream and yell at.I never got involved with drugs although I often used alcohol to ease my sense of worthlessness. I became sexually active at  age 19 and had several boyfriends, my family never liked the idea of me having a social life and would tell me "don't ever get married, you don't need a man in your life" About 15 years ago I met my husband. We have two sons,who in spite of my own emotionally neglectful past, I am always there for them! My family tolerated my husband but my sister outright dislikes him. She is racist and full of hate ( she is single and has no kids) because my husband is Vietnamese. ( she was a bully as a kid ,she would tease and insult me well into my teen years but my family allowed her get away with it!   She was the 'favorite" child and no boundaries were ever set on her behavior, in fact my mother and brother would get mad at me for standing up to her and actually say to me "Oh she did not do that, oh you do that too" in a cruel tone of voice and all the time avoiding eye-contact!!!)I often feel very bitter about my past, people say words don't hurt, that is nonsense!!

Emotional neglect and abuse are worse than physical abuse and like physical scars emotional scars last a lifetime but are invisible. I have been told by my therapist that  I have difficulty being connected to my own emotions, that I state facts, not feelings and I appear to be very "guarded". I've never realized  this myself until now!!! But  I feel that my emotions and feelings where Never validated or acknowledged from throughout childhood to the present I never really knew how to understand my own emotions or really how to deal with them!!!! There is always that subconscious feeling that if I do express how I feel or think I will be ignored as unimportant , screamed  at or made to feel there is something wrong with me for having feelings; that I should NOT feel angry, scared, insulted etc. It is very difficult overcoming these problems, but I am trying.Now, some may wonder if there was drug or Alcohol abuse in my family, believe it or not there was NONE, I think they all have a very MEAN  streak to them!!!

Some may wonder why I did not become a run a way  or juvenile delinquent, but I guess everyone deals and copes with growing up in such a dysfunctional environment in their own way. I became aloof and detached, and found my escape with art, reading  spending time with pets,and in high school, with yoga, and spending time away from home as much as I could.
sneakyfox sneakyfox
41-45, F
3 Responses Oct 1, 2010

*hug* From the sound of it, you have a pretty traumatized inner child hurting inside you. (I took this from when you said "very MEAN streak!" and other moments.) Imagine that you're your own daughter. Talk to yourself like you would to your own children: validate your feelings, praise yourself, suggest positive things (like, "hey, let's go get some yummy coffee!" or something similar), etc. I did this and it has helped me overcome my emotionally abusive past. Once, I was at a grocery store doing the shopping like always, when I realized I was feeling anxiety, the same anxiety I've always felt in a store. I asked myself why and realized it's because, as a child, I was not allowed to ask to get anything special at the that every time as an adult that I've gone shopping, I was feeling anxious because I wasn't letting myself get things I wanted, but only what could fit in the budget. So I told myself, as though talking to a child, hey, choose something you really really want and we'll get it. Anything! I went and chose a pack of boxed kid juices. And I just COULD NOT stop smiling after that!! It was soo amazing. I felt so so so good the entire night after that. I couldn't stop smiling for no reason, or squealing quietly to myself in the car or at home. And when I drank that juice, it was the tastiest thing I thought I ever had. It was a really great self-therapy session. Try it!!

Sounds like a good idea! When I still lived at home,even as a young adult,and would try to heal or comfort myself with my favorite self-therapy techniques such as yoga, enjoying time watching fish swim in my aquariums,listening to favorite music, etc. my mother or sister or even my maternal grandmother if we were at her house and my mother and sister were there as well, ( my grandmother would leave me be when my mother or sister was not around) would interfere with my self therapy such as distracting and disrupting my yoga or a prayer session, and make such statements as "Oh for God's sake, get over it, you are overreacting" or in a very antagonizing tone of voice "Jesus Christ, now you'll be reeling from that, not one did anything to you, lighten up" . This would happen after there was some major argument after my mother or sister provoking me into a fight, usually by being very rude when I would ask a mere question, I would in turn use a rude tone of voice back, then my mother would start screaming at me and acting insane, because for whatever reason, she loved getting me upset and angry,but did not want me to argue back or show any feelings. But at the same time, if I did just tuned her out of my mind,she would try to antagonize me even more, I could never figure out what the hell her problem was with me. My sister was also the same. The one thing that I would do to really have them leave me alone was to run out of the house, and be gone all day, when I would be walking up the street to get away from this ****, my mother would attempt to follow me demanding to to "get back hear" and asking me where I was going and when I would be home, I would just walk or run away from her and ignore her. That was my best self-therapy! Finally I walked out of that house for good!

It sounds like emotional abuse, not just pure neglect. :/

I've been there,only I am not out yet. I still live at home, feel like a punching bag, like I am worthless. She still controls everything in my life. I don't even know how to live 'normal'. I am happy you found a way out :) And it's nice to hear you don't abuse you sons. I'm really scared I will. Thank you! <br /><br />
Love, <br /><br />