Long Ago And Still Crazy

It happened thirty three years ago, I was only 17 years old.  My mother went through my room and found my journal, and that is how she found out I was pregnant.  She was so over protective of me from everything, I really didn't have a childhood at all.  She confronted me with the pregnancy in which that is how I knew she had been snooping in my room like she always did.  She asked me what I was going to do about the baby, and I said to her, "I am going to keep it."  Well of course that was not going to happen at all because a 17 year old is too young to have babies is what she told me.  She said, "We are going to abort this."  What choice did I have?  She was so manipulating and there were so many conditions that if I wanted to stay living in the home I would have to abort the baby.  It happened, and I was devasted of course, I didn't believe in abortions.  Soon after the abortion the same year I got pregnant again, and this time it was a pill they gave me called the morning after pill.  Oh my that was the most humilating moment of my life with some of my family not knowing what was going on except of course my parents.  It was very painful and so much blood, I cried all day.  No one cared or saw or even knew what was happening. By the way also both pregnancy was by the same man, and I married this man been together 33 years, but married 30 years.  I feel from what I have read is that  I am suffering from PASS (Post Abortion Stress Syndrome),  I am afraid of my parents, some of my family members want me to get over it and are no longer talking to me.  I cry a lot over the children I lost and wonder why a mother would do that to her daughter or even her grandchild.  I am afraid of losing my surviving children because I don't know if I did a good job raising them.  I just feel so lost and really don't know what I did to lose my family.  I am losing my mind I think.  My family blames me for everything that goes on in their life.  I feel like it is my fault, but I know better and that it is not.  I have been to therapy but I can't afford it so I read a lot of self-help books and stuff.  I just feel stuck!!  I need some support and I can't find any support groups.  My family supports me and believes in me, and I guess that is why I am still here on earth.  I am loved by my immediate family.  I need to know that I am not alone and I guess to know what other woman have gone through.  
ImAptenia ImAptenia
51-55, F
Jul 30, 2010