Formerly Me

A few days ago I tried to leave. It was two days of pure hell. I thought that I wanted to face the situation, I didn't want to just run away. At first he didn't believe me, but then he got I wasn't. It was almost 12 hours of beratement how i was abusive, controlling,checked out, that i didnt take care of the kids, how horrible i was for not wanting a mediator or therapy. all the while crying saying how much he loved me and all he wanted was to hold me. i tried to be cold so this would happen, but at the end of of this up all night thing i told him i would try counseling and if i felt the same i would leave. i do love him but i know i am on the verge of a mental breakdown. he says he wouldnt take our daughter from me but wants to have 50 %0 custody which really bothers me. i am struggling with all the **** he said to me hes being nice but he is still trying to control. how do you say things like i will not wai9t that long to find someone else, i wont make the mistakes i did with you, if i had known you were like this i never would have married you and still claim love? this is not love and it makes me feel so ****** up! crazy! noone can possibly understand. i wish to die daily. he doesnt understand why i feel this way. that i can go whenever i want, but i feel paralyzed whose mental health is more important my innocent daughters or mine? do i leave her behind if he will not allow me to have her? how can i even concider it. and he said i better not even mention anything when it comes to custody bc of all i have done. bc of this relationship i have become abusive my self to him i have been so scared he would hit me i hit him on more ythan one occasion. the first days after i was convinced maybe it would be different, until he mentioned me going to see my aunt and how id have to save up for that he couldnt do it now,which i knew money was not mine or ours as he says. but then he wants me to put in his bank account and i say i can do it. then i see its just the same. its so saddening, i dont want to seperaqte my children or **** up their relationships with his family but i watched his brother demeaning my 4 year old and think if i left he would be the one watching her.he is a cruel person.their family is cruel and all i want is to get as far as possible from these people. but i have no job. i have alienated my friends and family. i love him but i dont want to be here anymore. i dont hyave the strength of the onslaught i will get if i do. and feel like death is my only out.