Formerly Me

A few days ago I tried to leave. It was two days of pure hell. I thought that I wanted to face the situation, I didn't want to just run away. At first he didn't believe me, but then he got I wasn't. It was almost 12 hours of beratement how i was abusive, controlling,checked out, that i didnt take care of the kids, how horrible i was for not wanting a mediator or therapy. all the while crying saying how much he loved me and all he wanted was to hold me. i tried to be cold so this would happen, but at the end of of this up all night thing i told him i would try counseling and if i felt the same i would leave. i do love him but i know i am on the verge of a mental breakdown. he says he wouldnt take our daughter from me but wants to have 50 %0 custody which really bothers me. i am struggling with all the **** he said to me hes being nice but he is still trying to control. how do you say things like i will not wai9t that long to find someone else, i wont make the mistakes i did with you, if i had known you were like this i never would have married you and still claim love? this is not love and it makes me feel so ****** up! crazy! noone can possibly understand. i wish to die daily. he doesnt understand why i feel this way. that i can go whenever i want, but i feel paralyzed whose mental health is more important my innocent daughters or mine? do i leave her behind if he will not allow me to have her? how can i even concider it. and he said i better not even mention anything when it comes to custody bc of all i have done. bc of this relationship i have become abusive my self to him i have been so scared he would hit me i hit him on more ythan one occasion. the first days after i was convinced maybe it would be different, until he mentioned me going to see my aunt and how id have to save up for that he couldnt do it now,which i knew money was not mine or ours as he says. but then he wants me to put in his bank account and i say i can do it. then i see its just the same. its so saddening, i dont want to seperaqte my children or **** up their relationships with his family but i watched his brother demeaning my 4 year old and think if i left he would be the one watching her.he is a cruel person.their family is cruel and all i want is to get as far as possible from these people. but i have no job. i have alienated my friends and family. i love him but i dont want to be here anymore. i dont hyave the strength of the onslaught i will get if i do. and feel like death is my only out.
litlsprout litlsprout
26-30, F
2 Responses Mar 14, 2012

I am girl speaking here and only interested in men. I don't agree with homosexuality and bisexual, so please do not talk to me about it. I met this great guy online. We were talking every day. One day, I didn't trust him and I do not trust any man, except the men in my family. I have guys looks at women and tell me about it. One day I was like I don't know if he cheating or not because he has not contacted me in two days. I messaged all of his friends on his Facebook. I didn't know he had a child because he was not ready to tell me that, but I got pictures of his child on his shoulder a year ago on Christmas, but I ignore it. Then I found his exgirlfriend's mom on Facebook and she came after me saying they were married, but it was not true. She blocked me. She was a crazy lady. Then her brother was saying they live together, but he confessed and said they do not live together, but he made me mad. The exgirlfriend's brother's fiance attacked me saying he was worthless, druggy and then she confessed she did not know him at all. They lived together for seven years, but her family told me that they never met him, so what is that about. She would run off with his child and go see her family, but he did not know about it. He told me right away that he lived with her seven years. I helped him with the break up. He was taking to long, so I was fooling around with other guys because I wanted the pain to go away because I didn't think he loved anymore. I lived with a guy, that hit me in the stomach with his children around, he hit me in the arms twice, he corned me in closets to threaten me, he was always cheating on me and my abusive exboyfriend has a restraining order him and I did it to him too. I always had night mares of my abusive exboyfriend putting his hands on my throat and mouth to hush up and he really did that to me. The boyfriend I have now was calling my grandma to see where I was at. He messaged me to see if I was ok. My abusive exboyfriend knew I didn't love him of course not because he beat me. My boyfriend now lightened up my world by sending me sweet things. I flew to see him and everything was perfect. I truly know he cares about me because he still wants me after I was with my abusive exboyfriend. He missed voice, so he was listening to my voice messages. I just really love him. He told me he loves me first. I am glad I dated other guys to get that experience out of the way, but he was not ready to be with me because he was trying to get over his exgirlfriend at the time. I am so happy he said I helped him get over his exgirlfriend. I will give you more details later on.

Girl I know exactly how you feel and trust me with nowhere to turn it has crossed my mind too, kill or be killed, at times I think I can do it and then I have a change of heart and know he dont deserve to die by cause and I couldnt live w myself but the problem is the madder your man gets and the more at risk of losing you, anxiety and fear escalate and no matter if he thinks your a bad person or not the problem of losing you can cause him to snap once and for all! dont be afraid and dont be nice do what u gotta do. I am in the same boat but after being a mom for the last 14 yrs, give him all and do whatever he want, then to be disrespected and not hav nothin in the end, im bout to say hell w it and leave him w the kids he can then see I should hav been treated different.