Don't Do Things You Wouldn't Be Proud Of, Stay True To Your Morals And Heart..and You Will Like Who You Are.

I really like the idea of finding our energy to help accept and enjoy our life. not something to fill a void. but rather something for motivation and meaning..
my motivation is my long term relationship with.. the best boyfriend in the world. my goals are a happy marriage and family and I think that is where my fears tie in. I know I do a lot of things that would ruin that future.. I know I have a long distance from my head to my heart, and I can't trust my mind to do what my heart wants, i am often conflicted..I have a good heart, I know right from wrong, and I am a good person. but deep down I can be deceitful, and untrustworthy..not only to those I love, but to myself. and that is why I am unhappy with myself. that is why I can never trust I can truly be loved, because I know I don't really deserve it.. and that's why I feel like I will always be replaced. and that's why I am a jealous individual and don't trust others.. because I know how I think..and what I do.. and that I can't be trusted.

I'm trying to figure out how to ease my own mind.. I need to take a long hard look at who I think I am...what I actually do..and who I would like to be..and work towards that.. so I too can honestly say I accept and like who I am. that when I reflect on myself I am happy with the results.

I am going to stop looking for attention, I am going to put all of my affections towards my boyfriend, I am going to quit looking in the past and be thankful for what I have. I am going to listen to more love songs, and think positively. I am going to correct my faults.. and never fault again. I will prioritize my values, and make better decisions. I will live purely, and morally. I will stay true to myself. and never be deceitful. I will live life like everyone is watching, stop doing things i would have to hide, and not do anything I wouldn't think my family, friends, boyfriend, or myself would be proud of in general.
uhyta uhyta
18-21, F
2 Responses Nov 26, 2012

"so I too can honestly say I accept and like who I am. that when I reflect on myself I am happy with the results. " Hip hip horay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Absolutely perfect attitude. One caution. You will NEVER EVER BE the perfect person you go on to describe after this comment. You will always have faults, you will always make mistakes, you will always disappoint others. I don't say always as in every time you do something, but always as in for all of your life. As you build that acceptance for who you are as a person, leave room to accept yourself as a flawed human being that is capable of mistakes.
“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.” ― Paulo Coelho, Brida
Realize that the changes you want to make are PROCESSES, not one time actions. To say I will stop looking for attention will take TIME to fully realize.
To say that you will never do these things again is to expect perfection of yourself. That is something that we as humans are incapable of, in my opinion. The courage to be on this path is by far the most important tool you have. That courage is what will sustain you and keep you going as you falter on this path. Keep that courage!!!

hahah, oh my " Hip hip horay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Absolutely perfect attitude. One caution. You will NEVER EVER BE the perfect person you go on to describe after this comment. " loved that! hahah. though, it was not what i was expecting to read...and left me with the expression.. :/.. it was immediately followed by laughter and me agreeing completely... and you know... as much as i really want to be all these completely moral and stay true to myself..and i surely plan to.. the comment you made "I don't say always as in every time you do something, but always as in for all of your life." that's okay, because as much as i need to continue learning how to better myself... have to learn not to be so hard on myself too.. like again, you said "As you build that acceptance for who you are as a person, leave room to accept yourself as a flawed human being that is capable of mistakes." ( may i add.. you are the best person to talk to.. god.. i've pretty well been screaming for help here..also went to counselling and a psychologist.. and no mental budge. but in these couple lines even so far. BAM!..Resolution! hah.)

but i suppose what im left with now, is that these are my aspirations and goals i guess.. like my own creed to try and abide and live by.. and i know after soul searching and realizing what my "true self" ..feels and wants..(for lack of better words) .. makes me feel better about myself. maybe not completely pure..because i'll still fault, but i'm definitely a step ahead of where i was, and the more i catch myself, and correct it, the more natural it will come to me to act, think, and be that way. and the closer to...Jessica.. i will be.

And thank you for the awesome compliment!

Dear Uhyta
All that matters in this life is you know deep inside who you really are and how you look at those faults in the right mindset. If you are having a bad day sometimes the things that we have that are truly faults rear their ugly head to tell us thats who we really. Be on guard, because what I have read about you, is that you are a truly love filled caring woman that knows herself, but is afraid the faults are who she is...............and they aren't. Be amazed all these people love you and your faults, because you are who they love and fell in love with!

wow, i really needed to hear this. Thank you SO much for taking the time to write this response for me. I have been terribly conflicted, but i do deep down believe i'm a good person, but you are right, i do worry quite a bit that these faults devalue me as a person. because.. unfortunately these things do hinder my actions sometimes.. and i do, do things im not proud of.. sometimes it might just be something i think, and i feel bad for thinking it.. but sometimes it's something i say, and i regret saying it.. and sometimes.. few times.. it's something i'll do.. and i hate myself for it. but thats why i've done so much reflection to try and figure out why i desire the attention i try to get..what i think i will get from it that i dont have? and how i can stop it.. but i haven't really gotten that far yet. i've only so far made sure i was aware of my self conscience , and morals so that im true to myself and don't fault anymore.. but i haven't solved the need yet.. or stopped it. any advice?

Be of good cheer uhyta, who you are every day is usually the best you can be that day. I have found that I daily disappoint my family, friends, students and myself. I have taken the morals of God and realize that I am human and I will always do something to harm someone in a small or large way. I ask what I can do differently and my attitude towards myself to change so I don't harm. It takes a while, but slowly but surely you always have in mind what in is in your way and soon you will stop that. It is just knowing you are so worthwhile, and well loved. You must be, have to be, because people still gather around you, forgive and dismiss your faults and mistakes. You will always need, but it is what you fill that need with........look at who and what you have around you that is always there! Find that you MUST be worth a great value or you wouldn't have all that you have.

After a few minutes of thought, I didn't want you to think I was just blowing sunshine, so I am going to share a few things I have done that were quite horrible in my opinion and made me better.From 16 to 22 y.o I was a super raging addict and somewhat an alcoholic. At 19 I decided I couldn't stay clean in my home state and decided after my rabbit died and the checks came in I was moving to Texas. Sold my trailer, left my girlfriend and headed S.W. I landed in Mesquite with way to much money for my own good, and managed right away to get a job with a 7-11 type store as a asst. manager. I was quite functional in my state of total annihilation of myself and held this job. During my 1st few months I worked and stayed wasted till one nite I managed to answer the phone and my ex was on her way to Dallas and I was to pick her up that nite. I had scared her, friends and my family and they decided she should go. I was their wasted..managed to find a much better job with an alcoholic and really began my spiral down. My family got me back home took me to court where I lost custody of myself for 6 months and put in a hospital ( which did no good I manipulated my way through that). I later did manage to quit drugs and alcohol and went on to gain 2 associate's in Science and geography. Did I go further.nope I went on to make a great living as a bartender. Which gave many time to fault with all my decisions including a waste of an education. By the way I had managed to really wasted and marry my best friend during those shady years and had to get a divorce from this guy who I insisted was in love with the ideal of being in love and I loved him only as a friend. Let's just say things didn't go well for a long time. I took a beating given to me by only me about what things I had done sober and not so sober. I am rather opposite of you I think and could and still do walk around with great thoughts about myself and everything is everyone elses fault. I took very little ownership, till i went back to College, one nite sat their while having to do an essay about myself. Realizing I was not who and what I was and could be I sought the help of the only one I knew since childhood would be there for me. I am not into religion, just a relationship with God, who keeps from my self importance and makes me see others who have true values and not just my own. I acquired my Bachelors in both Science and Geography and teach part time. I am very fortunate and thankful to have this in my life and know I could not if I stayed on my path after cleaning up of being self absorbed. I try to be meek, and of good cheer as much as I can, while realizing others carry as much value in life as I do. Which is difficult for me being I can fall into that raunchy pattern so quickly. I stare at my faults because they are such a huge splinter in my life and try to be good to others so I do not go back down any path that will carry me back to the days of a no goodnick.

for your first responce, I found a lot of wisdom.. I like the thought that, who I am the best I can be that day.. it's going to help me be a bit easier on myself, because it's so true, each day varies so much, and it's never like I think .. well.. that's enough good for today.. let's turn to the devil on my shoulder now.. I do always try. actually. that's a load of bull. I could tell right after I typed it, hah, because depending on my mood, sometimes I just don't care, and I let my fustration, resentment, or fear get the best of me and control me to think..say or do.. whatever awful thing comes first. and even at the time I know it's wrong..and I regret it before I even do it sometimes.. but I think a part of me wants to bring who I'm with..down with me. like I don't think it's fair that only I'm affected or something.. but at the same time.. I don't want to hurt them, or have them upset, or think I'm that way. see what I mean about being conflicted?
then I read on, about how you are made to be who you are, and you're only human after all, and you have to be expected to fault.. and that was relieving.. because I have such a priority tobe perfect and never disappoint.. and I probably will hold on to that enough to do like you said.. learn from my mistakes.. and slowly but surely come to. I just worry I'll be too late with something.. and lose what I have. I think that people have high expectations on me to be such a highly moral and nice , considerate, thoughtful, happy girl.. that I really surprise people.. when I show the sides of me that aren't. because generally. when I'm not so caught up in this. I am all those things. but it's a nice thought that humans fault. and I would easily accept that.. if my boyfriend wasn't so perfect all the time.. don't get me wrong.. I'm soSo greatfull that he is.. but he is always smiling..carefree..happy..loving..positive..cuddly.. wise..and ethical. it comes SO naturally to him.. and I feel like I'm not that way. that's who I aspire to be.. but deep down.. I'm still spiteful.. a little greedy.. a little selfish in my emotions.. and negative. that's what I'm trying to solve and change. but I think , by god, that's just the way I am. and that's why I get scared shitless.. because Andrew deserves better than that. he deserves someone who can equally give him the same day in day out positive vibes..and stress free atmosphere he gives. bah. and that's what's on my conscience. I am happy with myself honestly. I enjoy myself. and if I were just me. I would care less how I acted. I just know I have such a good thing here.. it would be awfully stupid to lose.. and it wouldn'tb fair for me not to treat him equally. and I would NOT be happier with someone who had bad habits like me.. been there.. it feels awful to be with someone who is negative and doesn't put you first, and gives into their own desires before considering their respect for you. and ultimately.. that's what I'm like. f..u..c..k. again stuck. in the end, I just have to do what you said though.. adjust my attitude and actions so I don't harm people. and that'll just have to be the way it is. I have to just stop my poor decisions and actions. I know what they are. and too bad so sad if I am cranky and wantto be selfish, or if I feel insecure and want attention. I gotta shape up. and get on track. kaput.

for your second post, I really enjoyed reading your story and learning about everything you went through, all your adjustments you had to make, and hearing a happy ending. if you can go though that and come out strong. I can tackle my problems too. you have so much history, and experience. though we are sorta different, we are similar. and I know I could learn a he'll of a lot from you. thank you so much for sharing with me, it makes me respect your opinion more knowing your background and that you understand being low , and havingtto improve. you're a tough cookie , you know that? you did real good. :)

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