I'm trying to stay composed here a girl at my school was raped today behind one of the apt complex she was always dressed sexy and skimpy now I'm scared to go out cause I dress kinda like her just cause you dress sexy doesn't mean it's a open invitation to force yourself on someone I don't know what to do
Stephhpets Stephhpets
22-25, F
22 Responses Dec 3, 2014

Exactly

That's a false belief that women get raped because of they they are dressed. Men who rape are angry about women for some reason in their own minds. The clothing is incidental. He could be a sociopath, that has no confidence in his ability to approach woman in th normal manner. So he decides to take what he can't get otherwise.

So true

Most rapes are a crime of violence and not so much of sex.... You should always be aware of your surroundings. One should always avoid situations that can make you "a target." Like going in secluded areas alone.

there's no such thing as a an open invitation. rapists do what they do because they are sick,perverted and need medical attention. they don't do it because they enjoy the act but they take pleasure from the begging and screaming of their victims. WOMEN ARE NOT TO BLAME for these crimes, but the rapists only. i'm sorry if I sound angry but where I'm at I'm so sick and tired of hearing that the woman is to blame. rape happens even to women who are dressed really conservatively hence the fault is the rapists anywhere in the world. women have the right to be expressive and wear anything they want

I agree, but it also true that curves turn on men. and a beautiful figure drives men crazy. I mean maybe men are not wholly at fault either. It's just a biological need that some cannot control. maybe if something like that has happened near her school she SHOULD be careful. After all safety is more important than anything. :) perverts will always be perverts but we should try to stay safe if we know there's obvious danger like she just said there is. Just saying, this is my point of view.

I am very sorry to hear of this.

Thanks

Human sexuality 101 dictates, are not at all different from basic animal sexual instincts. Young attractive women will tend to push it when it comes to fashion boundaries. One would have to be a complete and total moron not to surmise that she is doing this to attract male attention. Hopefully from the best looking most suitable male. That's the way it goes. Its always been that way and always be that way. This past summer my oldest son and his high school buddies invited several girls for impromptu pool party. I took one look at girls and suspected looming trouble. Pool is behind tree line and out of my vision. I went back to pool 30 minutes later and girls were all naked. Apparently, they felt their skimpy bikinis weren't doing the trick. Mix in some blunt and crap goes south. I gave the girls the boot and rebuked my sons. Problems such as this have become huge where I live. A lot of my sons friends including girls, tell me that "girls disrobing at parties is the norm". Obviously, with all the date raping and whatnot crap potential is huge. Most guys are gentlemen however there are some who cannot contain sexual aggression. Add in some booze and blunt or whatever and some guys lose fear in a hurry. It obviously, does not justify such reprehensible behavior.

I hear where you are coming from. Really I do. I strongly agree: "look but don't touch...unless the other party is willing".

But on the other hand, one would not have experienced such a thing if one didn't advertise.

Think about it. If there were no commercials, you wouldn't know who sold what. But with them, you know exactly who to go to.

Now, if she weren't scantly clad, she probably wouldn't have had to experience such a horrible thing.

In short, both parties are at fault,

Let me ask you a question yourguardingangel. Do you view sex as something that is purely a transaction? Something that is bought, sold, advertised? If you decided to wear shorts one day and were forced/blackmailed/drugged or someone decided to perform sexual acts on you while you were sleeping - would you see it as being your fault for dressing in shorts?


Personally, I believe that sex is more than a transaction (perhaps unless you have literally bought the services of a sex worker). It is a bonding experience between two human beings. You are much more likely to get decent sex from someone who wants to have sex with you than a frightened or passed out individual who happens to be wearing less clothing. I'm not a billboard and neither are you - it's always worth asking if they are ok/want it even if you think the signs are there. Usually if they do they'll be just as into it as you are.

I'll put it to you like this: two men of equal build stand before you: one in a polo shirt, glasses and jeans. The other: same jeans, but no glasses, a tighter shirt to reveal his muscle and tattooe.

Which one would you think is more astute in the ways of sex? Which one would offer you more pleasure having claimed dominance over? THAT is how it works. And 9/10 it has everything to do with appearance, not just style choice.

Can I prove it? Define "skimpy". By today's standards, where almost anything is a-ok. Did you cringe yet?

Now throw a rapist in the mix. He(or she) will be looking for one that fits their taste as well as looks the least prepared for the encounter.

I agree that style and appearance is how a person often picks a sexual partner. But a rapist isn't looking for a sexual partner, they're looking for someone they can rape without being interrupted or caught. That isn't necessarily someone they're attracted to. It's more likely to be someone who's accessible (a friend, a child, someone who knows the perpetrator or won't try to run away if they start being a bit too "touchy feely").

I don't think finding someone attractive is wrong. I do think sexually assaulting them, when you know you haven't got permission to do anything sexual or haven't even asked, is wrong. Personally, I always check my boyfriend is okay to have sex before we do anything, and I would do the same for a stranger, because I respect my sexual partners and know they have their own minds and bodies - and are NOT there just for my pleasure.

And once again you've missed the point entirely.

I heard your point. I'm just not agreeing that finding someone sexually attractive, and finding a suitable victim to attack are the same thing :)

Don't tell me it's not about clothing. If that were the case, why does the victim's choice of clothing change drastically?

From "skimpy and sexy" to "hide EVERYTHING"? From strapless tops to turtlenecks in the summer?

You would still dress as you did before you were raped if you didn't think your choice clothing didn't have a part to play in it,

I've seen it countless times. Friends and relatives alike.

Actually, my choice in clothing didn't change after I was raped. I have exactly the same wardrobe as I did two years ago when it happened. My Dad tried to suggest that it might have been my clothing, but I wasn't dressed in anything sexy when I was raped. I had jeans, a cardigan, a tshirt, a bra, and a pair of big knickers that I didn't like on. My rapist did not fancy me and was not bothered about my clothes. He was bothered about making his penis feel nice.


Rape victims who do change the way they dress do it because it makes them feel in control. If they blame themselves then it gives them agency in the world. The truth, however, is that it is possible for anyone to get raped whether we are in a minidress or a turtleneck. The whole dress thing is just a way for rapists to make excuses for what they do, and bully anyone that tries to report them for what they do.

Remember when I said 9/10?
My aunt was dressed in a similar fashion as you described. But what appeared bland to her was enough for them to defile her. Sad to say, she took her life afterwards.

I'm saddened that you too were violated. Even more so that it still goes on around the world. We, the mighty human race, still commit detestable acts like this.

I'm very sorry that it happened to your aunt, and your friends. I strongly believe, that like bullies, rapists get a kick out of making someone else feel small, rather than the sexual act on its own. Maybe that is not always true.


I don't believe what someone else decided to do to me should define me though. I don't wish to be enslaved by having to dress a certain way or by getting told that I'm "damaged goods". I don't think anyone should have to suffer further scrutiny and shame which belongs to the people who commit such violence, not the people who had to endure it.


Amen to your human race comment, the same horrible things happen over and over again with no end in sight. It's why I'm committing myself to healing other victims of this crime, whatever age, race, gender or background.

I'm glad you survived such an unwanted ordeal as this.


And I agree with all you have said. All I'm saying is be careful. Please be careful. Even the smallest thing could prove fatal. Please please please. Be careful.

"I'm glad" not "I glad". Cursed thumbs lol

You are very kind. And don't worry, I have every intention of being careful. Promise. On the condition that you too take care, and have a good evening :)

You grace me with kindness I'm not worthy of, young miss :)

Now that you have promised me, I'll hold you to it :p

I, too, will practice caution. A good evening to you as well.

you have no morals If you think it is acceptable to force sex on another person if they are wearing something skimpy. Rape is about POWER not attraction. Do your research.

When did I say it's acceptable?! Instead of sack riding, read the whole post.

Let me be clear: I despise rapists. One is responsible for the death if my aunt. Don't assume anything, lest you be in for a big shock.

amen

If you were but a chimp, I'd not be wasting my time on you.

This clash of ideals was settled long before you decided to lope into the fray.

You have your opinion, I have mine. Let it be.

feel like giving you a piece of mind man but I dont think it's gonna change anything. or the way u think. just educate yourself, see the situation from the other person's perspective, don't jump to conclusions and do me a favour don't bother replying to this response because it's not gonna lead anywhere.. hope jesus give strength to the violated women to go through this and hope God opens your eyes

I'll say to you what I said to someone else that didn't read my posts correctly: quit sack riding. Read the whole thing before you bother replying to me.

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You're awesome

Rape has much more to do with power and control and vulnerability. Rapists can see who is vulnerable When you look confident that is the best defense against rape. Good luck to you and I hope we remain friends.

It saddens me that we live in a world where things like this happen.

Hi Stephhpets, I just want to say, thank you for sharing what happened, and your fears about it.


Forcing someone into a sexual act when they are not okay with it is a horrible thing to do. I would go as far as to say that rape is an act of bullying. And I am not a fan of bullying.


Personally, I believe that anyone should be able to dress the way they want, in a way that they feel reflects them as a person. I believe that no one should be persecuted or treated unfairly for dressing in a way that makes them feel comfortable, and that someone dressing in a certain way is no excuse to bully them.


Because rape is such a scary, horrible thing, the first thing most of us do is try to find a way to avoid it. We try to find a reason why it happened and kid ourselves into thinking we are safe if we act/dress/look/are a certain way. Unfortunately by doing this we are just giving the bullies, the rapists, extra excuses for their actions. Actions that they, not our clothes, decided to go through with.


Some people might have told you that rape victims are broken, that we have had our lives irreversibly "ruined" by the horrible things that happened to us. As someone who has experienced a rape, I can tell you that this is not true. I have moved past what happened to me, and gone on with the help of wonderful friends, family and a lovely boyfriend to pursue my writing career. Yes the memories still hurt, and I find it hard to talk about out loud - but my EP friends and counselling are here to help me through this.


My answer to you is, I hope you always dress in whatever way makes you feel comfortable and happy. I hope you never allow bullies to dictate how you should dress because you are "asking to get raped in that outfit". I also hope that you never get raped, because it isn't fun. Unfortunately I can't promise that none of these things will happen, but I can hope that one day, by standing up to people who rape, and people who bully - we will discourage them from doing so.


Sorry for the long post, I hope these words help you. Also if you are feeling unsafe or afraid it might be worth talking to someone you trust (family, friend, counsellor etc. ) about these fears and finding out about support in your community.


Much love and take care x

Part of the problem is the devaluing of women and just about any religion does this. When you tell a woman they are not to teach outside the home or they are to walk behind the man covered up or if found not to be virgin on weddings night he can bring you back to your parents house and be stoned to death, or if someone rapes you if he marrys you it is ok. Now you figure out why men don't respect women. I am ashamed of our double standard society. Men are studs who sleep with many women but women who do the same thing are bad and called derogatory names.

I don't think it's as simple as men vs. women though. We live in a world where we are told that we should all want to have lots of sex, that sex is amazing, and that having or not having sex defines who we are. We make fun of guys that don't have sex and we call women who do "*****". And that's not even starting on all the bullying of people who are homosexual, bi, or people who just aren't interested in having sex at all.


This results in people hating themselves when they are not having sex because they're being told that they should be "getting some". I think there is a lot of self-hate involved in abuse. And I think that anyone, man or woman, can become a perpetrator. I feel like making sex something that people who want to can do and people who don't want to don't have to is crucial in society.

I'm sorry if I brought up old wounds you can message me anytime you want

That's really kind of you :) and you have nothing to apologise for, you haven't hurt me at all. What happened is in the past, and any wound that's still left has only made me more determined to help in any way I can!

I appreciate that

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She didn't get raped because of the way she dresses. She got raped because some boy/man decided to violate her body. Rape is about males abusing power and inflicting violence. Period.

the rapist should be killed

Rapist don't care what you wear they want to prove they have power over you.

Exactly.

...I believe rape is a domination thing mainly, where sex is a main part of that domination, placing yourself in a position to be raped is a factor - I know that women can be taken any time, I know you shouldn't have to but dress conservatively until this scum gets caught !!!

I hope they catch the guy.

Maybe in top of it she was hanging out with them? Do you live in a bad area?

No it's a college campus

The way you dress doesn't give anybody the right to violate you. You dress for what would make you comfortable. At the same time don't let what happened to your friend discourage you to remain being you.

I'm not saying to change who you are and what you ware but doesn't mean it's going to change cause there are some horrible people in this world

Ya but it doesn't help

Any man who commits such acts should be taken out back and shot.....and tortured first :)

Castration by hunting knife while he and all the women he's violated watches. I'll do it.

I like the way you think. I could think of many creative things....lol

what on earth happened to the law system- crime and punishment....castration by... what the fcuk man...what on earth are you talking about man.. where are u getting these ideas from..... The women who were violated are not gonna take pleasure by watching that.... if anything they will be even more scarred for life

Castration by hunting knife?!? What's wrong with you!? Use a full spoon, it's more painful that way.

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Never walk alone and know who you're walking with. Always be aware of your surroundings and take no chances. And if you can, take me (or any combat veteran) with you. Nobody would mess with you then.

Thanks

That is so tragic. No one should have to go through that. My best wishes to the girl at your school and my best wishes to you.