I Accept The Consequences Of My Actions

I accept that my choice to leave a certain position on my resume has ruined my reputation at my current job. As consequence, I have a supervisor who thinks I made a stupid choice and finds pleasure in reminding me of it. As consequence, I'm at a position where people disrespect me. I will never know what could have been, but I accept these are consequences of my actions. I accept the restless nights and racing thoughts and not looking forward to work. I accept the paranoia I feel in my workplace. I make it through each day.

I accept that because I didn't eat well in high school, I suffer from depression. I didn't nourish myself, so my body is unhappy and my mind is anxious. And I accept that I'm sensitive and always have been. I don't think that's a consequence of any action on my part: it's just who I am innately.

I accept that I've burned friendships. As consequence, I don't have many people in my life. As consequence, I focus on me and meet new people and don't become overly attached. As consequence, I am not afraid of solitude or my own company.

These actions at the time felt best for me (except for the not eating well).

The people I let go because I couldn't quite trust them. The resume...I wanted to show my experience. I can't control the consequences, and I support my actions. I support myself and know that there's no guarantee things would be any worse or better had I acted differently.

Why? Because the consequences are others' behavior toward me, and I can't control people.

Jesus was perfect and people still hated him.

I also accept that although some people will make me feel like I murdered someone, I didn't, and my actions weren't all life-and-death.

nebulous123 nebulous123
26-30, F
1 Response Sep 13, 2012

I hope you can find some light in these horrid situations, just so you can prevent some kind of cycle.

Thank you. I hope so too. I do not want to get caught in a cycle, and just joining this group has given me some peace somehow. Just writing the actions and consequences and seeing that I control actions but not consequences gives me peace.

Is there something you see in my story that makes you think a cycle is building?

I went through and read all of your stories so I can have a complete understanding of what you endure and a particular topic struck me. Let me share a part of the story that is still in progress.

Among some other things (hallucinations included), I have some kind of chronic memory loss. I do horrible things and forget I have done them. Like a black spot in my memory that I might remember months or years later. I sometimes feel like I helplessly lose control of my life, because I can't apologize, explain or just try to fix what I have done. I get so paranoid sometimes, and when people lie to me It can feel devastating.

This my come across a bit too strong but please bare with me, but there are a few things I notice regarding a cycle. When you write "you burned your friends" and then later you write, you feel like most of your workplace is out to get you. I doubt this is completely true. I doubt your boss is just trying to rub it in. I think she is simply speaking what she feels, which was a very bad decision. I think you are paranoid about your past because you do not feel satisfied with your problems' resolution. If you can tell your friends you are paranoid, I can guarantee you wont feel paranoid. Although that is easier said then done. I doubt you will burn other people again or feel threatened by them if you show them this per-say 'weakness', because it will show if they are open right back to you.

I realize I might have completely missed the mark. what are your thoughts?

I should probably add, I don't doubt your story.

First, thanks for reading my stories and giving your honest feedback. I've read what you wrote several times and am still trying to understand and digest what you've said. I really do agree that speaking about the paranoia would help with the feeling, but I don't think that's possible in the workplace. I can't tell my supervisor that I feel paranoid and it's affecting my work..wouldn't that jeopardize my position?

Second, you are right that she's speaking what she feels. But I am having a hard time seeing the difference between speaking what she feels and rubbing it in. In my mind, both equal a disrespect of me. Can you explain the difference? There is more to the story that I think would prove my assertion, but I get overwhelmed trying to begin to tell the whole story.

What devastates me is not knowing how I should proceed. I don't know what to make of the side comments, how seriously to take them...how long they'll go on and the intention behind them. Should I confront, ignore, leave?

In your story...are you sure the memories really happened?

I know everyone has their patterns, including me. I wish I could piece together my habits and thought process to see where it's flawed, what's real and what's a misinterpretation.

In my story I really don't know anything for sure. yes.

Let me clarify my explanation. I see your field of social work, unlikely that you will have allot of people stepping on each other to get ahead.

I left this to be a bit broad, so let me clarify. When I said "tell someone you are paranoid". I don't necessarily mean walk up to them and say "I am schizophrenic." (Well if that works for you, then yah) I would think (or at least start with) more about the symptoms. Only you can find the words you are comfortable with, or find the people who will respond supportively to your needs.

Likely the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. But it only takes a single person to make progress.

And weather you take someone else's opinion over mine would not offend me. I simply want to offer a different perspective, and I think everyone should strive for openness.

You are likely correct in saying your boss is just rubbing it, only you can tell, I just also recognize she is still willing to work with you.

5 More Responses