Loved Him to Death

  I am consumed with grief and guilt. Last night, I had my darling pet duckling, Brookland, on my bed. Needless to say, we both fell asleep. I woke up hazy and realized that Brookland was no longer beside me. Frantically, I searched my room, convinced he might have fallen off the bed and found refuge on the floor. To my horror, I discovered him still on my bed-dead. I had accidentally rolled on top and smothered him in my sleep. I can't believe my stupidity, you can't sleep beside a duckling! They're so fragile! I swear my intentions were good, I thought he might have been warmer and happier beside me.. he always loved curling up on my lap. The worst part is, I only had him for four days, four days! I'm the most irresponsible owner! This is something I will never forgive myself for, because in that short time, Brookland became the one and only thing I've loved in years. He was supposed to live for 20 years and grow up to be a beautiful muscovy duck. His favoruite snack was parsley and just earlier yesterday, I gave him his very first bath (which he loved.) I can't eat or sleep and it feels like my whole family resents me.. but I know that's just my own perpetual guilt poisoning my mind. I've been crying nonstop all day. I should have been smart enough to have done the right thing! I fear that getting another pet will only put it at risk, but maybe it's the best thing I can do, move on and try again. For now, the wounds are still raw. Even the memory of Brookland's cute little yawn sets me off into hysterics. This is not a memory I want to have and a burden I am too weak to carry. But time heals most wounds, and I am confident that in the near future, I will be ready and wise enough to try again and succeed in caring for another creature long term.
theguiltdragon theguiltdragon
18-21, F
5 Responses Sep 19, 2012

I did the same thing last night to my 4 year old parrot. I loved him so much and the guilt I feel is so awful. He was so affectionate and the bond we had was so unique and special. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up in the middle of the night and moved to my bedroom. He flew to my room and landed on my pillow and I fell asleep before shutting my bedroom door,, which usually keeps him out. I found him the next morning not moving, underneath me and went into hysterics. Couldn't attend classes that whole day. I am a undergraduate student so we spent several hours at a time every day together at home studying, etc.., I keep thinking about it and it makes me want to tear up every time. My home feels so empty now not hearing him or feeling him land on my shoulder as I put on make-up, study, cook, watch t.v., pretty much every daily routine. I can only learn from this mistake :(

I'm sorry for your tragedy, that must have been very difficult. Especially on account of you having had a 4 year bond with him.

It is not your fault at all! I just lost my Quaker parrot yesterday due to a freak accident. I almost didn't want to get another bird, but my loved ones convinced me that it wasn't my fault at all and to get another bird. I got him over a year ago from a former owner and she said to cry it all out. I did so and I'm going to try again. Don't give up. Just learn from your mistakes and get back on the horse again!!!

Never give up!

You should've been smarter :/ it's common sense... You were obviously going to kill him, such a small creature being crushed by something that's not even twice or triple its weight and size but hundreds times more? Just don't get anymore pets. Don't put more animal's lives in risk if you're not willing to think properly about them :/

Don't be a jerk. She just didn't think about it. She has just lost the thing she loved most, and you're gonna hate on her? Think about what you're saying before you say it, Mr :/.

Thank you for your empathy!

I appreciate your criticism, but it's important to remember that people simply make mistakes in life. Accidents happen. I was 16 and careless, but I don't believe that getting anther pet would put them at risk. I've learned a hard lesson and I will take extra care in the future. It's very unfair to judge me from this single incident. I am not a killer, I am human. Peace and love.

hi everybody, i did the same thing. last night i let my parrotlet sleep in the bed with me even though a voice in my head told me not too. i woke up today and he was dead. i feel so sad and so guilty, i killed him with my stupidity and he was just a baby.

why are we so stupid sometimes? its obvious a little bird and human are not meant to sleep on the same place, yet i did it.... now i even scared of holding a baby

Many people have been in the same moral crisis as us. This shouldn't hold us back from moving forward in caring for other creatures.

Woah. I was googling about accidently killing pets and I stumbled on your post. i feel your pain and guilt! I bought the CUTEST most innocent little baby Quaker parrot last week. I was infactuated with him and his adorable antics all week ( including his to die for yawn and little love bites he was giving me while imprinting). I didn't like to cage him while in the house because it seemed so cruel and he was very well behavedhe loved to nuzzle by my neck and I've found him cuddled in my blanket on more than one occasion. Last night after watching a movie I fell asleep and forgot he was cuddling around me. When I woke in the morning I didn't hear him and i git worried and started to look all over my bed. I found him next to me with his head burrowed under the pillow and he was lifeless. I must have rolled over his head while he was burrowed in the pillow. I was shocked and traumatized and crying hysterically. I feel so so awful! I should have known better and left him locked in the cage at night. I feel so irresponsible and incompetentent--like I'm a threat to birds. He was suposed to live up to 40 yrs and he only lasted a wk with me! Not to mention he cost me nearly $500....but money isn't the issue....its my guilt. I feel embarrassed to even share this with my friends :(

I am both happy and sad that you were able to relate to my experience. It's a very hard lesson to learn, but it's something we can all grow from. Thank you for sharing, it's a relief to read about others who have made the same mistake and I hope some people will stumble across the stories and take extra precaution for their pets in the future.