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Cutoffs And The Girls In The Band

When I was in high school, around half of each year when the weather was nice enough and the occasion allowed for casual dress (which meant anytime except the school day and going to church), everyone wore cutoffs. We didn’t bother going out and buying them. We just took a pair of scissors to some comfortable jeans that had gotten either too short or too ratty from the knees on down to be worn everywhere and those cutoffs were our anytime we could get by with it attire.

Needless to say, some of these cutoffs got pretty short, sometimes from carelessness but more often intentionally. However, one difference was that when I was a teenager it wasn’t just girls wearing the short shorts. A lot of the guys wore their cutoffs very nearly as short as any of the girls did. That is what we were accustomed to. Look at a picture of a high school basketball team from the seventies. People laugh now when they see those pictures but we would have laughed at kids running around in the floppy knee length athletic shorts that everyone wears now.

My favorite pair of cutoffs had in their former life been a nice pair of low rise lightweight flared denim jeans that I had worn everywhere. They were my ‘dress’ pants until I grew 3 inches. Then the pant legs got chopped off. I didn’t cut them off real short as I knew that my parents would see me wearing them when I changed clothes at home. I also wanted to keep my options open as to length. I didn’t want to ruin my favorite cutoffs by getting them so short I couldn’t wear them. It didn’t take me long however, to figure out that my favorite way to wear them was with what was left of the pant legs rolled up so that they were as short as possible. The way I wore my cutoffs meant that underneath I had to be wearing ‘tighty whities’ or else I would have very nearly been hanging out of them.

I was practically a workout fanatic when I was young so even if I was not quite Tom Selleck handsome from the neck up I was rock solid from the neck down and did not mind a bit when I knew that girls were checking me out. By wearing a tank top and my short cutoffs I could gave them a better view. Being appreciated and admired is a two way street. Guys like it also.

As a senior I was in a band with a group of my friends from school. It was made up of three guys and four girls. We were far from experts but we had a lot of fun jamming and playing for friends. Our band continued to play together the summer after we graduated and we spent a lot of time together practicing. One evening when we had a rehearsal scheduled I got home from work late and was in a real rush to get cleaned up and back out the door. I did ok on the getting cleaned up and grabbing a bite to eat part of the process but as I was eating an apple on the way to Ann’s house I was running through a mental checklist to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything in the rush. Shower? Check. Brush teeth? Check. Eat? I’ll survive. Guitar? Check. Tank top? Check. Cutoffs? Check. Underwear? Oops ****!! I had just grabbed a pair out of the dryer and while they were white they had been worn for work often enough that they were now far from being tight. I decided it didn’t really matter because I would be standing up most of the time anyway during our rehearsal so I just forgot about it and kept driving.

I got to Ann’s house and all the girls in our band were there already but none of the other guys had shown up yet so we were in the house just talking. I had my guitar pulled out and was doing a little practicing on some runs. I was still dog tired from work so after another fifteen minutes or so had passed I just told the girls to wake me up when the other guys got there, kicked off my sandals and flopped on the sofa and went to sleep. I don’t know how much later it was that the hushed voices half woke me up.
“Should we tell him?”
“I don’t know. What do you think?”
“We probably should.”
“OK, but you do it.”
“No way. I’m not telling him. You do it.”
“I’m not going to either. That would be way too embarrassing.”

By this time, even though I could not making out who was saying what, my groggy brain was starting to process that they were talking about me. What was going on that they were whispering like that?

I finally woke up enough that I was aware of the position I was in. I was on my stomach with my head at the end of the sofa that was in the corner of the room. That meant that my feet were facing the center of the room. The toes of my right foot were down in the crack between the sofa cushion and the back of the sofa and my left foot was well off the outside edge of the sofa. I was about as spread eagled as you can be on a sofa without falling off.

It was then that I remembered my not so tight underwear that I had grabbed in my rush getting ready earlier in the evening. A light bulb finally came on in my brain. I was laying there with my legs spread wide and my crotch in full view of anyone who walked into the room. Damn! I knew I would be showing off my legs, shoulders, and back when I put on a tank top and my short cutoffs but I had not planned on giving the world a full view of the family jewels. It didn’t take me long to realize that there was really no graceful way out of this situation. If I pulled my legs together now the girls would know that I had heard their whispering and if they knew that I knew then we would all be embarrassed.

I decided that the best of my limited options was to just go back to sleep. Since I had already been showing my goods for who knows how long I didn’t think it mattered much if it went on a little longer. I couldn’t pretend to myself that I had any physical secrets anymore so I just wanted to try to make sure that the situation didn’t get any more embarrassing than it already was because I was going to continue to see these four girls every time the band got together. With that in mind I went back to sleep.

I woke up around two hours later with a shock that about sent me to the ceiling. Something ice cold had been pressed against the inside of my leg so high up that it was probably touching my balls. I flew off the sofa so fast that I nearly fell on the floor. That was when I saw Ann’s older brother standing there with an ice pack fresh out of the freezer in his hand and a big grin on his face. I must have been blushing because he asked why my face was so red. I brushed it off by asking him what he expected when he woke me up with a shock like that.

The girls told me that the other band guys never showed up so they were going to go home. I needed to pack up my guitar stuff so I just sat there until everyone had walked out of the room. I then wanted to know if this was for real or just my imagination running wild. I spread my legs a bit and looked at myself and quickly realized that things were about as bad as they could get. Either when I had flopped on the sofa the first time or while I was sleeping my underwear had shifted off to the side so much that I may as well not have been wearing any. I took care of that, grabbed my guitar, and headed for the door trying my hardest to stay relaxed and expressionless. I said goodbye to the group that was still in Ann’s kitchen talking, got in my car, went home, and as soon as I was undressed that pair of underwear went in the trash. At least my ignore the situation tactic seems to have worked because everything continued on as usual until the band broke up as my friends headed off to college.
    
What did I learn from this?

1. Pay attention when you get dressed regardless of the time.

2. Apparently accidental flashing is socially acceptable even when it is a pretty big flash. Nothing was ever said to me and my relationship with those four girls that I had grown up with since kindergarten didn’t change a bit. What had happened was in the past.

3. I am a bit of an exhibitionist. Once I realized that I had gotten by with it I got rather excited every time I thought about that evening and I even started trying to think of ways and places that it could ‘accidentally’ happen again.

baredownthere baredownthere 51-55, M 2 Responses Dec 3, 2011

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Why do they call them shorts, when they go past your knees?

I still like to wear short cutoffs to this day, and I go commando. I really hate the shorts that guys wear today. There no fun at all.

You are right about guys shorts thesw days. Boo. Hiss. Where is their sense of adventure?