Sadness

Im compelety filled with sadness, with nothing but death on my mind, and wonders how no one could notice, how can everyone be so blind. I smile and make you think im happy, I talk and make you think i love me, I laugh so you dont see me cry, I look at you and hide the pain inside. If i talk and i laugh too loud its because im trying to forget that im sad. You see me smiling and laughing in the hall, and you would never guess I cried myself to sleep last night, but sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone then to cry all alone.

xxbrokendownxx xxbrokendownxx
26-30, F
2 Responses Feb 11, 2009

thanks, but i really dont want to talk about it, but when i do ill message you :)

Whatever is troubling you, dear lady, i hope with all my heart that you find your way through it soon. <br />
i am going through a very sad divorce. My wife and i made love on the last day of the four-day Thanksgiving weekend. We had gone out of state to visit my dad, and she got us a nice hotel with a big tub in it so we could have a romantic bath together, we sipped some red wine and made beautiful love. Forty-eight hours later out of nowhere she told me -- by email, no less-- that she was leaving. i have been totally blind-sided. She was my everything. We were together 8 years, and she never once told me that there was any problem with the marriage. So i have lost my best friend, my love, i am hit hard financially, i am near panic with sadness, and so, so lonely. A few really great friends are seeing me through this, and i am so grateful i can't say. i am at the point now that i no longer cry all day, but i do still cry every day, several times. On a subway, in a restaurant, walking down the street; hearing the wrong song, seeing lovers kiss. i can't work. i can barely get out of bed in the morning, i don't eat for two or three days at a time, i'm drinking a lot. <br />
i am a part-time crossdresser. When i am in times of great stress, i literally become someone else with different clothes, a different name, even different handwriting. I got myself a shrink recently, and he was alarmed by how down i am. He never sees patients more than once a week, but he is seeing me twice because he is alarmed. My wife has moved out of town. We moved from Washington DC to New York city because she got a promotion. Now she is back in DC with her family and all of what used to be OUR friends, telling her side of the story and i can't even defend myself. How does a person hurt another person like that? When we were engaged, we put down certain rules -- we would be honest with each other, we would warn each other if something was hurting our relationship, we would go to marriage counseling if we got really stuck. After all this time together, she is finding it quite easy to wave aside all these agreements. She has told me that i've been screwing up FOR YEARS, and that i should've seen it coming.<br />
Sorry to go on. Just wanted to tell you that i feel so sad for you, not even knowing what is going on with you, because i know what it is to be sad. Actually, i admire you for 'acting goofy' as you say. You may be without realizing it be doing a good thing for yourself. i find that if i make believe i am cheerful, i can buy myself some stress-free time that has got to be better for my body, brain and soul.<br />
i don't mean to pry, but if you care to share the reasons you are going through this, i would be pleased to take your hand. i assume our problems, backgrounds and so forth are very different, but perhaps we could be good for each other -- sharing coping strategies, and just plain listening. <br />
One of the things i love about a setup like this is that we can be honest and open with each other and still anonymous. My shrink is telling me that the worst thing i could do is be completely alone. i've been chatting with another lady in the past few weeks, and we each feel we have met a soulmate, and shared some secrets with each other that we wouldn't be able to face-to-face. <br />
Again, no pressure, i'm not trying to pry...just holding out a friendly hand. In my usual, masculine life i am quite a macho, big tough guy. But at this moment i feel very broken and small and vulnerable, and i sure could use a new friend. Perhaps you could, too.<br />
<br />
Giving you gentle hugs across the miles, <br />
<br />
alicia anne