Adderall, I Need To Feel Normal, I Need To Stop, I Dont Want To Cry No More, I Dont Want To Live Like This, Oh Dear God I Hate Adderall And What I Let It Do To Me

this is my post in confessions and it sums it up my hand is cramped and yes i spelled mostly everythign wrong but as tired and worn out as my hand is i cant slow down but yet i cant re write this , i cant do anything,  i cant be me, please read and let me know if you relate. thank you and i hope everyone out there feeling even 1 percent of what im feeling gets better because i know the pain, its in me now, yesterday, tmrw, and everyday, yet i do nothing to change it, if anything i fuel the fire, i hate myself as an addict, this was not my plan, i never called my self an addict till now, wow. please read

I ruined my life, I let adderall ruin everything and everyone in my life. It is the devils candy, I wish I could turn back time. At first and even now on some days I feel that it is by far the most amazing thing to ever come to me. then it starts. the uncontrollable crying, for no reason anger and tears mixed with denial and no hope for yourself, you completley snap on those who love you the most and that help you the most, its almost as if you create problems just to feel bad because all you know how to do at that point is feel bad, oh my god I hate it. I hate it so much. I took it at first to loose weight, as I did but then put it back on. i fluxuated and then binged and then stopped and then went really wild with it, It is no longer in my control. It controls me. If I want to go to school and clean or shower or even as terrible as it sounds .....enjoy being a mom....I need adderall. I rememeber when all i would want to do was fight my exhaustion and stay up to watch my daughter sleep, dont get me wrong she is still my world my life my everythign but it kills me to know i feel like she is only enjoying me, her mom, her best friend, her role model....when i am on my high. which is alot, but when I come down, i come down, and whos there, my mom, my poor mother,. now here comes my tears. my poor mom has enoghn on her plate, taking care of my mentally challenged 21 year old sister, who wakes up soaked thru her diapers mattress and sheets of urine, not being able to talk to tell us if someone is hurting her at her day program, self mutilating herself ( once again i go off topic ) but yes, my poor mom, taking care of my special need sister, then supporting her burnt out son, and trying to keep her 16 year old duaghter happy by going broke helping her maintian her materials. ( YES I KNOW I HAVE SO MANY SPELL ERRORS, ITS THE FAST TYPING FROM THE ADDERALL, 4:49 am phila pa ) .....back to my mom, as my poor hardowrking dad start his long 10 hour day off to concrete construction, my mom start her day off cleaning urine sheets and then what do I do, single mom me, 26 year old soon to bve 27 year old me, I wait and see what my day is. Am i going to school? am i asking my mom to drive my daughter to school? because it was hard enough pretending to my baby girl how awsome i was this morning doing her hair getting her dressed, breakfast, etc etc,,,,,,my poor mother picks up my slack. my father kills himself out working supporting me and my daughter financially and emotionally and my mother supports me emotionally and pysically, yes I know im worthless but I sware to you I do not want to be like this, it is the devils candy adderall that has twisted my life so distingly that I do not know anymore what is up and down, I never thought I would be like this. I never wanted to be where I am at, my paretns deserve better, they are amazing, no one is perfect but they have done and still do everything for their kids, it is not their fault. or is it. no its not,. its mine, I hate life right now, oh my god why is this happeneing, i cant even control my hands typoing, my jaws swinging, my muscles hurt my mind is so confused, i cry while typong this and then easily laugh when my eyes wander to the tv of a funny commercial, why god cant i just be asleep right now, why god cant i just wake up and not even know what adderall is, i can go on for days hours weeks years etc but i am stopping here, i never went on a site like this or registered anything or signed up or etc i googled as i usual do about adderall when i am low peaking around 230am and it starts, i read, i cry, i relate, i soon pass out hours hours later but then forget how bad the last night was and then just continue it, i then read someone story and it hit home, and i needed to reach out to that person so i signed up for this site and now here i sit and type in the confession box i dont even kow if anyone is gonna read this but right now i dont care i keep going, i keep going, it never stops i never stop, i am addicted adderall
lisamarie53085 lisamarie53085
26-30, F
5 Responses May 4, 2012

I know exactly how you feel, as I am doing the same thing as i type this & wiping away my tears. I wish I had advice, but all i can offer is the slightest comfort in knowing you are not alone.

I take that too and I don't think it does a darn thing for me! :( I suffer extreme depression which never goes away and now I am more apathetic due to that depression, but at least I try to no longer have suicidal thoughts! :( <3 I've cried multiple times! :( Sad thing is almost no one cares! :( <3

Hey, how are you? I've been off and on with this beast for a number of years. I find myself struggling to hold it together for the sake of my son.
I hate this ****. I know I need off of it but I also feel like I need it so badly to get thru the day.

Thank you so much. Your absolutley right. I need to go to a dr that will guide me right and not just give me what I want. And I really want to do that. It is terrible to say I just dont know if I can push myself. theres a demon in me saying if I tell another dr then I will be flagged from my sc<x>ript. but that is exactley what I want to happen. I do not want this life no more, so then why am I running from the answer to stop it all. I hate this confusion, I hate this pain, I am so weak for this medication when I do not even know why anymore, But I do know that your kind words really mean alot and thank you so much for taking the time to write that. I will push myself more and more, even if it is hour by hour to do the right thing, or even atleast tell a friend or family member that might even have to push me to do the extreme. Im so scared of what this is going to be like, but it probably is just as scary as feeling the way I do day in day out. I will keep you posted and again. Thank you

I hear you. First off, you have admitted you have a problem which, in my book, is the biggest step you can take towards getting better. I encourage you to not go this alone. See a doctor and tell them about your problem. Give them your full history with the drug and express your desire to get off of it. Once you explain all symptoms and how much of it you take, they will be able help you find a way out. Chances are they will give you something that will help ease you off of it. Going "cold turkey" is about the worst way to go off a drug that is designed to affect how the brain functions, trust me - I know from experience. It is important to understand that there is not an overnight solution. It takes time and there will be some rough days ahead but it is totally worth it. There is a better life for you after the drugs are out of your system but in the mean time it is critical that you get the help you need to become stable and get your life back under YOUR control. And please, keep us updated on your progress. "You have a light for us, we need every glimmer" - Howard Jones

I myself am uncontrollably addicted to this awful drug. Been abusing it for 6 years and im falling apart. But when i saw where you said it takes time to come off this drug but its so worth it, really encouraged me. when i don't take Adderall i have no drive. i don't want to get out of bed, or go to school, or even associate with anyone and i find myself feeling depressed and trying to find anybody that might have some to sell. Im up right now on Adderall at 5:18am and still haven't tried to go to sleep, while everyone else in the house is fast asleep, like i wish i was you have the time to answer a few questions?