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Addicted To Attention

Since middle school I have always been plagued with the feeling of physical inadequacy. I think it started when my doctor told me that my breasts would never grow more than the barely A cup I had at 13. She was right and my appearance became a bit of an obsession. I attributed my lack of femininity, which my naive mind equated with large breasts, as the reason why good looking "popular" guys wouldn't date me. I constantly compared myself to my best friend and her physical features. If I couldn't have the guys I wanted, I decided to take the damaged less attractive men. I wanted to fix them, mother them. Unfortunately, not many of them wanted to be fixed. As a result I was a serial short-term monogamist.

Then I landed in my first long term relationship lasting almost two years. When it ended I was really damaged but I was determined to be single for a while. Unfortunately, that didn't last either. I started dating only a month or two after the break and I was full force in another long term relationship. I ended up marrying him. I've been with him for about 8 years now and married for two. He's the perfect husband. He's handsome, a hard worker, patient, thoughtful, not jealous, and gives me all the freedom I could want. Unfortunately, giving me such freedom has driven me to seek attention from other guys. Its almost like since I've been with one person for so long I want to know that other guys still find me attractive. I want to be pretty, sexy, and sought after. My husband tells me he finds me beautiful all the time, but its not the kind of attention I want. I want the risky, passion attention. Nearly all of my guy friends I pushed them to the point of cheating, but somehow managed to snap out of it before I did anything stupid. Its sick. I can't seem to stop. I have everything I could want from my husband, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I don't have a damaged childhood. I had a very loving father so I know this doesn't stem from daddy issues. I've somehow created this deficiency in myself. I'm so terrified that I'm going to lose my friends and more importantly ruin my marriage.  I don't know what to do. I've tried time and time again to stop but I can't seem to do it. I would love someone to talk to about this. 
Wealhtheow Wealhtheow 22-25, F Aug 9, 2010

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