Most Times!

I know that I give off the appearance that I'm so strong and brave. That I'm always happy and things don't bother me... Also that I can face anything. It's not true all the time. I do have my moments of being afraid or even terrified, crippling so! :-o

I suffer from anxiety, which is an disorder of fear, within itself. So, I do have my days where I am close to an panic attack. When I am most fearful, I do shake and I cry... deep pitiful sobs. I've always been that way, since I was a child. Though, it's rare for me to throw up and then faint, like I use to. =p

For now, I am a little afraid for the changes in my life. Most of all, the change of quiting cigs. I have quit for almost two weeks now... but I am fearful that I may start smoking again. The thing about change is, for someone with anxiety it can be the biggest threat in the world. Anxiety sufferers hate change, for it means what we had known is being taken away and we may have to start anew, learning something else. It feels like an lack of control and then anxiety gets worse! :-o

I know in my brain that quitting smoking is best! But in my heart and emotions, I'm having a difficult time with the change. I have nightmares that I go to the store, buy cartons of cigs, and start smoking them all in one sitting. The nightmare is, when I wake up, that's exactly what I want to do! And that scares me. :-/

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3 Responses Jan 9, 2009

Hi Shadow, thanks for your response. People seem to get offended when I act like I don't trust them but it never occured to me to explain to them why I act this way. Perhaps I will try this. Your response got me thinking!

Hi! You made the best decison to quit smoking- do not worry- I KNOW without a doubt you will get through it. If you haven't found something to replace your smoking with, that might be a good idea (not another unhealthy habit- but something really good for you!).<br />
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Your second paragraph I could have written MYSELF. We are so much a like in that part. I have experienced anxiety since childhood- and can you imagine not a single person EVER recognized the feelings I was having as anxiety and I didn't even have a name for them until I was 40 years old. How my life got wasted because of not being able to give a name to the feeling. Because from anxiety for me atleast came a complete distortion of reality. When I felt fear I thought it was because my instincts were telling me that the person I was with was not trustworthy, and the anxiety also made me interpret reality all wrong. It was and still is terrible. The worst part of it being terrible is because anxiety is an extremely important quality to have- if you are being taken advantage of you need to know it so you can get out of that situation. But because of my anxiety I tend to let people use me and take advantage of me because I can't tell the difference between when people are untrustworthy or when it is just my anxiety being triggered.<br />
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I think I am going to post the comment I wrote to you as my story, because it is basically the reason I joined this group. I am glad you wrote this story, because it made me see clearly the difference between who you are and the anxiety and fear you are experiencing. I am also glad I found this group knowing that there are other people who can actually relate to me!

I am so glad that you are still not smoking :) Anxiety attacks are the worst. I feel for you on this.