How Do I Learn To Forgive Myself?
I was in a relationship for over six years. Everyone was sure we were going to get married, including the two of us. We bought a home together and lived a relatively peaceful life. We had some major issues though. I did not like his family, and he was a very family oriented guy. Dinner 2-3 times a week....random stop-ins. Oh yeah, and they all lived down the street from us. I started drinking a lot cause I couldn't stand always being around them. Then the drinking led to drug abuse...all of which I did discreetly. Once in a while, he would catch me, but I always promised to get help. I even started seeing a psychiatrist and went on anti-depressants. The frequency of sex decreased slowly until it just came to a stop. I felt alone, and I felt awful about drinking and doing drugs behind his back. He was such a great guy though, and I kept telling myself I needed to just be content with the life I was living. Then a one-night hook-up with a married man happened, and suddenly I was having an affair. I felt so guilty, and I tried to break it off multiple times. Then it seemed that the closer I got to the married guy, the further away I became from my boyfriend. Needless to say, my boyfriend caught us and broke it off. It was devastating, and I thought my life was over. I continued to see the married guy who I was falling more and more in love with. He was in an unhappy loveless marriage; his wife cared so little about where he was that we got to spend all of our free time together. Three months ago, he filed for divorce. A month after my break-up, I stopped doing drugs. Then the drinking decreased to socially once a week. He even suggested I try to go off of my antidepressanmts. And today here I am, drug free, alcohol in moderation, and prescription free. I guess sometimes you just find the right people at the wrong time. I am much happier, but I cannot seem to shake off the guilt either. The guilt for what I did to the wife and to my boyfriend. How do I ever forgive myself for this?