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I Am The Cheated And Not The Cheater

My first boyfriend in college had a girlfriend back home in Philly. I did not know until AFTER we parted ways, he graduated and moved ack home. My best friend and future boyfriend (now ex, too, but he was faithful and we still talk) told me he overheard him in study class talking about her.
The guy I thought I would marry cheated on me. He is in the National Guard. He went away (visiting home twice) for a year deployment in Afghanistan. I was faithful, wrote him many letters, called him many times and he called and wrote me, sent each other packages, I stayed very close w/ his family (still am, actually...his brothers think of me as a sister still). After all that waiting and support, less than a month after returning his demeanor changed and he drifted. Long story short, he banged a girl and she got pregnant all while I was trying to get us to talk about what was going on! Even his mom asked me once if I knew where he was like he just disappeared. He never even broke up w/ me 1st!
I was extremely hurt. People told him how wrong he was. My mother said he should have rewarded my support w/ an engagement ring. His family felt really bad. His 10 (at the time he was 10) yr old son expressed his regret, even by telling me, "I tried to tell you about Cheryl" (her name). Broke my heart to hear it from him. I made sure to let him know I'd always love him and it wasn't his fault (kids tend to blame themselves thinking they could have done something to stop it). It was his dad's responsiblity to be honest.
Cheating is selfish. it hurts people. Hearts and feelings are fragile. I don't cheat, but I have HURT ME stamped on my face.
Cynic4Life Cynic4Life 31-35, F 1 Response May 27, 2012

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I've never cheated on anybody. Then, why he has being cheating on me ever since we married, long, long time ago. Why didn't I do something the first time? Why I had to believe hm everytime he would come with his lies and tricks? why didn't I respect myself enough to run away from him when I had the chance to? Now I'm here all by myself, wanting him to finally get out of my life and overwhealmed with all that I have on my shoulders. I am not ugly, and even though he made me always feel stupid, I know I'm smart enpough to make it on my own. I just don't know where to start. How to fix all problems he left behind. And there are somedays when I just don't want to wake up at all. I cry, but only in the inside, because in the outside I keeep pretending I'm fine. I know I don't love him anymore, but still I don't know how to live alone. In my soul there is nothing left but a huge hole.

I'm no counselor, but guess what? You ARE worth alot (God decided you should be here after all and that is a big deal) and you DON'T need to deal with that rubbish. And you DON'T need to keep having feelings of dying.
Never allow someone to make you feel like less and to lose your own life on their account! Who is worth your entire life? NOONE. Only God is worth your life and guess what else? God doesn't want you to die or be sad. So live for God and not your ungrateful husband. Live for God, pray for strength and guidance 1)in Jesus' name and also 2)mention in prayer "if it be in Your (God's) will" each time you pray about anything. Let God guide your life and your future, even if it means being w/out your husband.
SMILE! You will be fine. If you think you will be fine, you will be fine...what you THINK is power.

I appreciate your time and your words. I'll sure read them over and over 'til I find myself believing in myself again, and to be able to re-build my relationship with God, the only one that truly matters.